the floating log

crescent moon

2010-05-30T01:45:00.002+08:00

chanced upon rabindranath tagore's work "crescent moon" when i was in the library today. first came across rabindranath tagore's poem "the judge" from the same work, when it was read out in yasmin ahmad's "sepet". that poem resonated with me, and this one too.

the last bargain
"Come and hire me," I cried, while in themorning.
I was walking on the stone-paved road.
Sword in hand, the King came in his chariot.
He held my hand and said, "I will hire you with my power."
But his power counted for naught, and he went away in his chariot.

In the heat of the midday the houses stood with shut doors.
I wandered along the crooked lane.
An old man came out with his bag of gold.
He pondered and said, "I wil hire you with my money."
He weighed his coins one by one, but I turned away.

It was evening. THe garden hedge was all aflower.
The fair maid came out and said, "I will hire you with a smile"
Her smile paled and melted into tears,
and she went back alone in the dark.

The sun glistened on teh sand,
and the sea waves broke waywardly.
A child sat playing with shells.
He raised his head and seemed to know me, and said,
"I hire you with nothing."

From thenceforward that bargain struck in a child's play
made me a free man.

towards the end of a student life

2010-02-08T01:39:00.002+08:00

i think i've said this many times, and i'll say it again - i'm sick of my life in nus.

yes, i'm sick of project deadlines, writing airy-fairy research papers, mugging for exams. i'll rather have twice the amount of stress and work from teaching instead, cause i'll enjoy it.

but as the clock ticks towards the end of a student life, it becomes harder to say that. as class size get smaller, and you get to know more people and profs at a more personal level, suddenly things become more personal.

i'll miss the times where there are so many different courses out there in nus, and you can simply crash one to learn more things. i'll miss the times where i could borrow all kinds of books from the central library, especially when it is relevant for teaching.

i'll miss my friends, my honours classmates. although i'll see most of them in nie, they are the ones who make it harder to leave nus and reduce my cynicism everyday.

i'll miss some of my profs, who taught me so much about life, and are ever so generous not just in terms of money, but in terms of knowledge. like my thai tutors who always treat me as one of their own students even though i'm sitting in most of the time. among all, i'll miss prof ben the most, who taught me so much in his course, and taught me even more after his course, and taught me a lot more when i'm tutoring his course now. among all the debates and arguments we have about the education system and the philosophy of teaching, be it over tea or over gtalk. it's difficult to forget someone who has given you so much, continues to give you more all the time, and offer you to come back and talk to him whenever you learn something new, or have grouses about the system.

it is not that i'm not looking forward towards teaching. i do, and i can't wait, except for those expectations others have of me (which I have learnt to let it not affect me at all).

life goes on. what starts, will end. that's life. but before i thread on the path that i've been waiting for so long, i just wanna take a good look back on this path that is ending, and thank those who made it really special.

thank you

looking back at 2009

2010-01-02T15:11:00.003+08:00

i didn't want to write this post initially, as i think the transition to a new year is over-hyped. it's just another day, another typical day. what's the big deal? there is no religious and cultural significance for most singaporeans. it may sound cynical but i'm not. rather, it is because i treasure every single day more so than some treasure 1 jan. and all the things about resolutions - like the comic on the papers the other day, if it is really important, why wait till the new year to start?

but then again, 1 jan is a good marker to stop and look back at what was done in between the 365.25 days. not because it is significant, but it's just convenient.

so how has the 2009 year been?

ups and downs i'll say, but that's typical of life. when there's up, there's always down. it’s also the year since my ord that i have never taught in a school.

the world started the year with the dark clouds of a global recession looming over. then obama got sworn in, which in the eyes of many, a sliver lining among the dark clouds which promises sunnier day ahead. iphone craze descended upon singapore, but i don't really care actually. not that i'm cynical but seriously, how many people who own it needs a phone with those functionality? think before you buy, don't buy it because it is "cool". i didn't jump on the mac ship just because it is cool. i did my research and considered for months before deciding that it is way better for me. unlike those idiots who jump ship just because "it is cool" without knowing what it can do and can't do, and start complaining about the little little things that mac can't do . that's always a trade off idiot.

on a personal note, the year started off weird. i embarked on a life changing journey for about 6 months. before i set off, there were much uncertainty about mae, who was diagnosed with cancer in november. things seemed hopeful, surgery has removed the tumour, she's going through follow-up chemo to make sure that there is no relapse. i went through my first winter and had my first encounter with snow, and experienced its beauty and the inconvenience that followed.

while i was adapting to the place within the first week, i woke up at 2am in the morning in anticipation for my monkids and dis o'level results. some were ideal, some not so, some did better than expected. but hey, i'm glad that in the end, practically all of them get to do the course of their choice. grades is never a measure of how good a person you are or how smart you are. grades are just the system way to decide who gets their first choice. never let your grades define you.

back to while being away, i learnt to be more independent, and thanks to kr, i become more adventurous and confident with travelling. i did solo trips, hiking and camping with the cam gang, and did things i never thought i'll try before i left. i learnt a lot, opened my eyes further, and collected loads of lesson materials.

and just when i was about to come back, all hope was lost. the chemo didn't work. in less than a week after i returned to sg, she passed on. seems like when cancer strikes those close to me, it always seem to turn better, only to take them away eventually. thanks to h1n1, i couldn't go over to see her without fearing that i might carry the disease along. thanks to reservist, i couldn't go over throughout the holidays.

since my kids have graduated in 2008, i thought i wouldn’t be doing any tutoring this year. but my doors were knocked upon and i did a few secretly.

and the sem started. it was extremely busy, but had great friends. went on 2 wonderful fieldtrips and learnt a lot as well. ca grades was the worse ever in my nus life, which despite mugging the hardest ever in my whole nus life, the results were less than ideal.

everyone starts a new year with much hope that it will be better than the previous. i say be realistic, life will always have its ups and downs. you cannot expect nothing bad to happen to you in those 365 1/4 days. it does and it will.

but it doesn't mean we should start a year being pessimistic. being realistic is not being pessimistic or cynical - it is knowing what to expect so that we wouldn't be upset when it comes. that means it keeps our optimism floating, and our hope for possibilities high in the sky.

ทรงพระเจริญ

2009-12-05T23:11:00.000+08:00

like a round object surrounded by squarish objects

2009-11-29T01:22:00.005+08:00

have you felt like this before?
like a round object surrounded by squares and rectangles.

the illusion that you have fitted in this group
that you're surrounded and with them all the time
but underneath this illusion,
the only bonds you have with them is superficial
it is unlike theirs where it is so tight and close
they fit each other so well
but you,
you are just someone with superficial bonds
only one small part of contact.
as much as you want the bond to be tighter,
it seems impossible

it's not like you don't have other round objects that "click" with you literally
it's just that they are not around most of the time
but when you meet, you click
but most of your other time
you're surrounded by these squares and rectangles

i used to have the illusion that i've fitted in
among this group of squares and rectangles
so when one of them is troubled,
i do what i did for those who are close to me.

then one sentence from one of them
came like a slap on the face
"you don't know me well enough
stop pretending like you do"

suddenly the illusion of fitting in is gone
and that i don't belong becomes more apparent.

i no longer know what to do
should i continue to try
and risk more slaps of "stop pretending that you know me well enough"?

but yet i'm always surrounded by them
perhaps i should just acknowledge the fact that
what i enjoy with them turns out to be an illusion
my apparent deeper bonds with them is just an illusion.

perhaps it is time to move away.

idiot

2009-11-25T11:59:00.002+08:00

referring to self

2009-11-23T00:40:00.004+08:00

if only i can think of a melody for this lyrics that just came to my head

花开了
你说过会回来的
那时你得离开我之前
你种下的花儿
等着你来看

花开了
你说过不是不要
那时你我拥有的幸福
你说花开之前
盼着你回来

*chorus*
是否当时你我的约定
当初说了是让我安慰
你的发已落谢
你的脸如白灰
这种说好的约定
是否是你我唯给彼此
回到当初的一种希望

花谢了
你我当初的约定
到你等我了

here comes the rain again

2009-11-17T22:50:00.001+08:00

this song couldn't be more apt now.
both literally and metaphorically.
it would be a lie if i say i'm not affected at all by the grade
but i just have to keep moving on and push whatever i can push

when the monsoon rain comes, tujhe yaad na meri aayee

2009-11-17T00:38:00.003+08:00

somehow, the monsoon rain reminds me of this song. perhaps it is how rain is an important part of the song in the movie.

my favourite song, tujhe yaad na meri aayee, from my favourite hindi movie, kuch kuch hota hai.

the pendulum (redux)

2009-11-16T00:15:00.002+08:00

this is not the first time i've used the pendulum analogy , but i shall use it again in reply to a friend's blog post.

think of a person's mood as a pendulum.
at one end is extreme happiness, at the other end is extreme sadness.

once you've swung to the extreme happiness zone, it swing back to sadness, and back to happiness.
the larger the swing in one direction, the greater the swing it is to another direction.

that's the principle of the pendulum.

so where has your megahappyhearts gone to? it will be back when your pendulum swings back. no need to look for it. :)

(and that is why i prefer to be at the neutral state)

radicals = lonely? a reply to a friend's blog post

2009-11-15T20:57:00.005+08:00

was reading a friend's blog. in his latest entry, he mentioned how his supervisor always share lots of ideas that are very radical, and that it is very difficult to share it with others. Hence he concluded that being radical is necessarily lonely.

i beg to differ.

true, not many people will understand your ideals.
true, not many people will understand your ideas.
true, not many people will see why there is a need to change what you see needs to be changed.

but judging that a radical is lonely at this point is a little too premature. if you look at it at a longer time scale, you'll find that that's not true.

let's take yasmin ahmad for example. her desire to change the notions of racism and race-based politics through her films drew her a lot of flak from the censors and the media. it took her a few more films to find people who think like her and accept her universal ideas of love. it took her a few film festivals to receive the acclaim and love she deserve that she did not get from her country. now, like she put it, even the makciks in the conservative kelantan like her films.

i have a radical idea too. i want to challenge a certain discourse that is prevailing among singaporeans. i once brought that up to your mentor, saying that how it would not change in my lifetime, and how it is so entrenched that you see its effect in schools. he said something, along this line: even if you can't change thousands, at least one who hears it and bring it on will bring about the change eventually. after all, this challenge to a prevailing discourse was transmitted to me from someone else. it resonated in me, and i'm now spreading it. (it's the myth of malays being lazy that i want to challenge, in case you're wondering)

so give radicals time. i used to watch yasmin ahmad's film alone. no one in my circle of friends or family appreciate. why watch a malaysian film when some hollywood blockbuster is showing?

i used to watch hindi films alone too. no one in my circle of friends or family appreciate it either. they always say, why watch a movie about song and dance, chasing around the coconut tree. hello, north india got coconut meh?

but eventually, i found people who appreciate yasmin ahmad films / hindi films. you have no idea how much we talked about and the excitement that erupts when we found each other, so much so that we kinda ignored other friends who were present, as we were too engaged with our own discussions. ditto for the desire to learn thai and its culture.

same thing for radicals. give them time, and once they found people who resonates the ideas and thoughts, they form deep and real friendships.

sometimes the idea itself may not resonate. for example, i do find what your mentor brought up last friday a little too idealistic.

but the underlying values do resonate. that itself can shape the idea, to make it better, and have a wider appeal.

like the two quotes i sent your mentor from my favourite film-maker. you may not agree with what she says, but you have to admit, the underlying values is appealing.

‘I am optimistic and sentimental to the point of being annoying, especially to people who think that being cynical and cold is cool.’ ~ Yasmin Ahmad

" I get accused of being sentimental with my films and optimistic. I can only say 'What do you want? It's pretty shitty out there, You want more of it in cinema? What's wrong with you? Weren't you picked up as a child? Why obliterate hope?" ~ Yasmin Ahmad

you just have to keep sharing your ideals and ideas till it resonates with someone. :) by the way, i don't remember u sharing it with us.

lotus

2009-11-02T21:30:00.002+08:00

the dirtier the mud, the more beautiful the lotus will be.
now that huge load of shit has been thrown at me,
it is up to me to use it and emerge out of it.
to be stronger, to be better.

2009-11-02T00:13:00.000+08:00

o re piya

2009-10-30T00:26:00.002+08:00

"i didn't need to be a fish to enjoy and understand 'finding nemo'. so why do i need for my characters to be similar to my audience for them to be able to relate to the movie?"
- paraphrased from the late yasmin ahmad.

see if you can feel what this song is singing about,
without turning on the subtitles
it reverberated in my heart and ears,
long after the credits is shown.

pencils

2009-10-25T22:12:00.002+08:00

pencils,
everytime it gives itself,
a part of itself is lost.
until it is too short to be used.

unlike pens,
that leave an empty shell.
clinging on to this world,
but it is useless,
and a nuisance,
to the environment too.

pencils,
used, sharpened,
too short, gone.
leaving no trace on this earth.

pencil.

i go

2009-10-23T23:02:00.002+08:00

this hauntingly beautiful song is one of the songs that touched my heart and lingered in my ears after the movie. and "ore priya" too.

I Go - Pete Teo
So long, fare thee well
The dancer and the dancing days have taken leave and fell
So turn down this bed of stone
Quench me with the deadly nightshade from the rose that you belong

The long December rain is falling now
Running down on streets to nowhere
Music is my life youre my sweetest nightingale
But I cant hear it here no more

And I go
I go

Hush now, dont shake or break
Words have fallen silent like soldiers to the grave
No matter what they do or say
Lay me on the sleepy meadow by the tracks upon your face

letting "me" go

2009-10-17T19:51:00.002+08:00

i posted this zen story before, and shall repost it here to remind myself, some of my friends and kids, who are going through some troubles in life.

sometimes, all we need to do is to take a step back and realise how transient "me", "face", "reputation" and "pride" is, and we will soon realise that the problem will be resolved. yes ris low, it's not all about "me"

The Zen master Hakuin was praised by his neighbours as one living a pure life.

A beautiful Japanese girl whose parents owned a food store lived near him. Suddenly, without any warning, her parents discovered she had a child.

This made her parents angry. She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Hakuin.

In great anger the parent went to the master. "Is that so?" was all he would say.

After the child was born it was brought to Hakuin. By this time he had lost his reputation, which did not trouble him, but he took very good care of the child. He obtained milk from his neighbours and everything else he needed.

A year later the girl-mother could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth - the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fish market.

The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back.

Hakuin was willing. In yielding the child, all he said was: "Is that so?"

"our prophet once said, when they came back from defending the religion, with broken arms, no legs, bleeding, and they said 'we've been through, now, the toughest battle ever. what do you have to say about that?' and prophet (peace be upon him) said 'no no no. this is not your toughest battle. your toughest battle, is in here (points to heart). and that is to remove as much arrogance as you can, remove self-importance, step back, be nobody, so that you can become a part of something much much bigger' "
- the late yasmin ahmad, tedx kl

simplicity

2009-10-17T01:25:00.001+08:00

sometimes we say a lot more with less. aren't it amazing what beauty a cycle of 9 notes can do?

old school cheena-fied song

2009-08-08T00:23:00.001+08:00

used to hear this on class 95 during the weekends when i was mugging away in mcdonalds

a sense of peace

2009-08-02T21:28:00.002+08:00

was walking back today,
the sky was especially clear,
and there was a breeze.

my ipod is playing "ore piyar",
yet what i'm feeling is far from the love-lorn search that the song sings.

i felt peace.
don't ask me how,
don't ask me why.
cause i don't know.

hopefully,
that's the feeling i will have,
just before i die.

i'm not afraid of you

2009-07-25T23:22:00.002+08:00

i think i'm hearing more than average cases of cancer around me. family, friends, friends of friends, family of friends, etc. just the other day, i heard about an ex-colleague's husband having "not much time to live" due to terminal cancer.

seems like i have an affinity with cancer. it took away 2 of the people i love, and has a haunting presence around me.

that is why if it comes for me one day, i think i can say, "i'm not afraid of you".

take my life as you wish. or if i'm suppose to fight you. i no longer care.

it is not because i've given up. but rather, to know that it will come for me one day, makes me wanna make every breath count more.

shoot the moon

2009-07-20T13:15:00.002+08:00

when norah jones came out with her debut album, the most popular song was "don't know why". but don't know why, that's not my favourite song in this album.

i very much preferred this, shoot the moon

facing death

2009-07-13T23:15:00.002+08:00

i guess after the first one, one learns to let go a lot more easily when death occurs.

after all,
1) all things, good or bad, must come to an end
2) death liberates him/her from his/her suffering

some say what's left is just the shell, that eventually reduce to ashes and dust
but they forgot
the love and impact they left behind
will remain on and on.

it's not a tearful goodbye.
but happy in a certain sense of a way.

succumbed to the temptation

2009-07-12T01:30:00.002+08:00

i've told myself this year that with regards to the monkeys,
1) i will not give advice unless it is asked for
2) i will remain passive even though i know they are troubled instead of actively asking how they are coping

these are based on the belief that
1) they are old enough to sort out their own problems
2) they should be given the space to sort things out on their own instead of being hand-held actively so that they can grow and have the confidence to make informed decisions
3) they should be given the trust that they are able to sort things out on their own
4) some may not want me in their life anymore, and hence, taking an active role will "intrude" into it.

yet today i succumb to temptations to ask one monkey who is obviously troubled.

cannot. cannot do that anymore.

fly away, again

2009-07-10T22:51:00.001+08:00

"You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away"

in loving memory of mae.
not related by blood, but by heart.

shout out to dick cheney

2009-05-22T20:36:00.002+08:00

i seriously don't see how using the techniques that makes people more angry with you, hate you more, and drive their desire to destroy you will make america safer. Probably during your term, but in the longer run? oh wait, that wouldn't be your problem, while you can claim that you've made usa safer right?

please have a more rationale argument. you are making yourself look stupid.

how can radha not be jealous? overcoming prejudice

2009-05-18T07:08:00.002+08:00

when i was in j1, the literature department decided to show "lagaan" for its movie week. before that, my idea of bollywood movie is very much the ignorant and offensive stereotype - couples chasing around coconut trees, endless song and dance, extremely co-ordinated dancing and people speaking in a tongue twisting language.

but somehow, i decided to go to the lt and watch "lagaan" for some unknown reason. that changed it all.

i realised that the coconut trees, like most stereotypes, are non-existent. hello? set in north india, got coast to have coconut trees meh?

i also realise that the endless song and dance are not without reason - the lyrics of the songs are filled with meanings. it's written as though as it is poetry. what took my breathe away was this "radha kaise na jale", or how can radha not be jealous number, which the two childhood sweetheart, in the context of a temple festival, use the story of krishna and his consort, radha, as a veil to discuss about the possible entry of the third party into their relationship. all the symbolism, hidden meaning and parallels, it's not just song and dance, and is actually more layered than a musical number.

as for the co-ordinated dancing, think about it - chinese have their mountain songs (山歌), where a man and a woman flirt with the help of other men and women co-ordinately. you could tell from the dance that there are mechanisms for such things happening as well.

as for the tongue twisting language, with the subtitles, it doesn't seem like a foreign or funny-sounding language anymore.

i walked out of the lt feeling impressed and stupid. impressed by the movie, stupid of the kind of ignorance and stereotypes i held. it was also the basis of my prejudices i hold on bollywood movie, which before, i have not watched a single one. how does that justify my prejudices then?

subsequently, i watched a few more bollywood movie, cause they were showing it on art central (now okto) as international film series. from the movies i've watched, all i can say is
1) i've yet to spot a single coconut tree.
2) song and dance are not without reason - usually in the context of festival and celebration, of which i was told, very much a big part of life in south asia. so how is it out of the world or unbelievable then?
3) there are song and dance scenes, especially stories based in the cities, where the couples are magically transported to another location, or have people coming out of nowhere to dance with them. think of it as a mtv or a musical number - don't we have that in western movies and musicals too?
4) although some movies can be rather escapists, the stories are just wonderful!

so what prejudice do we hold today? is it base on our own ignorance?

here's how can radha not be jealous for you

when something jolts you

2009-05-11T03:19:00.002+08:00

sometimes you thought,
after 9 years,
it seems like a fleeting memory.

something that you've essentialised,
something you've thought about,
making it into something like a life experience.

you thought you forgot the fear,
you thought you forgot the pain,
you thought you forgot the process.

until it's jolted out of you again.
despite years of telling myself,
nothing last forever,
things are impermanent,
nothing goes to nothing,
that's the truth of life.

yet it doesn't seem provide any comfort,
when the same emotions
that you thought was buried deep within 9 years ago,
was jolted out once more.

seems like no amount of "things are impermanent",
"attachment means sufferings",
will comfort the fear that has resurfaced.

2009-05-10T19:50:00.002+08:00

人有悲欢离合，
月有阴晴圆确，
此事古难全。

lousy translation:
in a the life of a human, there's sadness, happiness, separation, and reunion.
in the cycle of the moon, there's days when it's clouded, clear, waxing, and waning.
such are things that are difficult to satisfy since the times of the past.

that's my response to a blog post by one of the monkeys in the new pasture, wondering when they'll reunite again.

a letter to my future children or student if he or she turns out to be a lbgt

2009-05-07T19:45:00.005+08:00

dear future child or student,

i'm not sure what will they call it in the future. right now, people call anyone who's a lesbian, bisexual, gay and transexual as a lbgt.

i'm not sure when in my life i will encounter you, or if i'll encounter you at all in my life. but i'm pretty sure if i'm alive over the next 10 years, there is at least a 90% chance that one of you would enter my life. this is my letter to you, written on this day from the past, 07 may 2009.

right now, you might have discovered that you are different from other people. perhaps since birth, you may have felt that you are born in the wrong body. i hope you are clear that there is a difference between being a homosexual or transsexual, as compared to someone who's straight but a little more effeminate or manly. i hope you are clear that behaving in a certain manner does not make you a lbgt, nor joining certain cca make you a lbgt. it is not what people call you that makes you a lbgt, it's what's inside you that makes you a lbgt.

i don't know what is society's opinion of the lbgt at the time you read this. right now, from what i see, many in society stigmatise the lbgt. some label the lbgt as disgusting, have the impression that they are perverts obsessed with sex etc. of course, there are straight people out there who are more tolerant and open-minded (like me. hehe), but from observation, it seems like we are the minority straight people who are more accepting to the lbgt. there are still quite a few people who call effeminate males as "ah quah", whether they are straight or not, and show disgust when women behave "more manly". i have to admit, i was one of those who stigmatise, discriminate, and made fun of these people in the past as well.

i don't know if the debate would have been settled by the time you read this, but as of now, there is much debate over the cause of homosexuality and transsexuality. some say it is in-born, genetic or mental. some say it is a choice. as for me, i belong to those who believe that homosexuality is in-born. i find it hard to believe that homosexuality or transsexuality is a matter of choice. why so? if it is a choice, why are so many lbgt out there choose to be discriminated or stigmatised against? why is the decision on whether to come out of the closet so difficult if being a lbgt is a matter of choice? why are there lbgts hiding their sexuality if being one is a matter of choice?

you might be facing the same situation now. that is why i've decided to write this letter today. it is because today, i want to make it clear, that regardless of what my child is like, i will love him or her as much as i love my other children. regardless of what my student is like, i will love my student as much as a i love my other students. it doesn't matter if you're straight, homosexual, bisexual or transsexual. that doesn't mean you can't be a human that contribute to society. that doesn't make you any less of a human. that doesn't mean you have to feel less of yourself, that doesn't mean you are denied being a human being. that is why i'm saying it today, i'll love you as much as i love others, because you are not less human than others in anyway. in no way should you feel that you're a lesser person because you're a lbgt, just like how i believe a person of a different religion or ethnicity is not less of a person. you can achieve as much, or even more, as anyone else.

if you are my child, i don't know what your mother will feel like. but do let your father know. i only want you to be happy in life.

if you are my student, i don't know what how your parents will feel. if they can't accept it, please don't blame them. but don't assume or take it that they don't love you because you're a lbgt. sometimes, they need time. i have heard stories of parents who chase their child out of the house or disown them because they come out of the closet, and took decades to accept their child's sexuality to reconnect with their child. of course there are happier stories, but don't ever blame your parents. if you want them to accept you for the way you are, you have to first accept them for the way they are.

and most importantly, do not get upset or angry over people who make fun of you or can't accept you. don't judge them if you don't want them to judge you. like it or not, some people will have problems accepting your sexuality, just like how some people are still racists. just don't let it affect you, and hold your head up high - you're not any lesser of a human being.

i don't see how this letter would be encouraging anyone to be a lbgt, for the fact that i believe that lbgt is inborn. if you are considering being a lbgt just for experiment sake, please show some respect to the lbgts. your sexuality is not a game, your sexuality is not something for you to have some experiences in your life.

this is written, because i want to assure you, that in my eyes, you're not less of a person in my eyes because of your sexuality. this is something i've thought about for a few years, and decided to make this stand today.

my child, i love you.

there is somethings about her that is worth respecting

2009-05-05T01:49:00.003+08:00

a lot of people refer to aware's now-defunct exco (nde) as josie lau's team. indeed, there are somethings that they have done, the way they handle certain things, the way they answer questions and content of their answers to questions have made me lost respect for them. most importantly, my respect for them is lost when they refuse to step down immediately when it is clear that the people they are leading have no confidence in them.

but among all, i still have some respect for josie lau for the following things she has done during the egm
1) kept her cool most of the time despite being bombarded many times
2) as the president, took responsibility when a member of her exco made the "shut up and sit down" remark.

i wish her all the best in her future endeavours. hopefully, people would leave her alone, and stop extra-polating her behaviour base on her affiliations, or the words and actions of people with the same affiliations as her.

what aku thinks about the aware egm

2009-05-03T18:56:00.009+08:00

aku watch the recordings of the aware egm on youtube, and have the following thoughts

1) the war would have been won better if the crowd didn't hackle
although the now-defunct exco (nde) may not have run the meeting properly, or there were claims of them being bias and using "under-hand techniques"(require substantiation), or were asserting that they are of higher authority when the constitutions say that "the exco shall always remain subordinate in the general meeting", open inclusive arguments also means that you should let the other party speak and right to reply, even if it can be "long-winded, pointless, indirect, weakly-argued or bias". and sadly, their reply was making themselves look worse.

no, aku is not trying to suggest that women are suppose to behave in a particular manner. aku thinks that that's how anyone should behave for a inclusive and civil discussion.

2) aku is impressed with the old guard's graciousness
they are the ones who ask the crowd to give the nde time to talk, asking the crowd to calm down and be civil to let the nde talk (even though the mike for her wasnt turned on), asking the crowd to give the nde a applause for "stepping down graciously" (even though the motion has been filed for their removal 15 minutes before). however, aku doesn't approve the old guard's manner of interrupting Josie about with her "3 minutes limit" thing. although there are some injustices, aku thinks that it could be done better instead. but aku thinks that they have redeemed themselves later, as mentioned above. but of course, it would have been a lot better if they didn't do those stuff at the beginning.

3) aku is seriously puzzled by the nde's (lack of) people skills
"shut up and sit down"? i have never heard that in my whole schooling life, even when students are rowdier than this, and teachers have the authority to say such things, but they've never done so. and why are you asserting your position when it is not recognised by the crowd? and when the motion has been filed for you to be removed 15 minutes ago, along with a new meeting chair being elected, what gives you the right to declare the meeting close then?

4) why would you want to lead, or need time to consider, if the people who you are leading have no confidence in you?
leadership is about serving, at least that's my value. leadership position is not about power, or for your own portfolio building. you are entrusted with more power by others because they trust you with the power to do more good for everyone, that they can't do on their own. so why cling on to your power, or need time to consider whether you want to continue clinging on to it, when it is clear that the trust it's lost? then again, that's my values.

5) asserting your achievements and age is not the way to gain respect
don't tell me which page number you're on, or that you're an elder. yes, basic respect must be given to someone who's older than you, which to be fair, i think, is not really given to her. but like leadership, the respect is not given blindly - it is given because society thinks that you're wiser, and gone through a lot more in life. please do show that, not act foolishly.

6) the $90k question
to be fair, the egm is short-notice and that the nde might have taken the necessary spendings to organise its large scale. but even if you can't seek their approval in time, letting the members know in your email would have been better than them digging it out from you. transparency please. and aku thinks it is a stupid comment to say that the spendings is off-set by the surge in members - the money from the surge in members could have been used to do a lot more things for women.

7) (from the nde's press conference) if 1400+ people have no confidence in your leadership and also filed for your removal for office is "not representative of singapore women", i don't see how less than 200 people who voted you in is representative of singapore women.
and why are you shooting yourself in your feet by saying that most of those who voted you out are new members when those who voted you in are mostly new members too?

haiz

2009-05-03T05:07:00.004+08:00

i find it sad that a woman of her status and age argue so weakly that an average secondary school student could do better linking of their argument than her. i'm pretty sure an average secondary student is able to find better evidence to substantiate their argument than her. and to suggest that 2 separate things are linked together?

into dust

2009-04-25T05:02:00.002+08:00

thanks to "house m.d." for introducing this song to me. one thing i love about that series, they always use less known songs very appropriately. the last series i knew that was able to use songs at the end of an episode and gave it an emotional and succinct ending was "ally mcbeal".

this song is like drinking a cup of lemon tea. it leaves a bitter and slightly sour taste, but it only makes you want to drink it more. it's not coyly, it's not catchy.

it just feels refreshing in a calm cool manner.

it's been 9 years already

2009-04-10T06:49:00.000+08:00

yet it felt like yesterday when you breathed your last.

best explains why i ruffle their hair

2009-03-24T05:56:00.001+08:00

from http://www.onemanga.com/Naruto/440/14/

some quotes from house

2009-03-21T01:57:00.003+08:00

notice this conversation while watching "house" season 2 episode 1 today. dw is dr. wilson, while dc is dr. cameroon.

dw: it is not your job to be her friend, and it's not worth it. she feels better for her final few days and you're not the same, maybe for years.
dc: you don't think it's worth it?
dw: i know it's not worth it.
dc: my husband...... i met him just after he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. if i hadn't married him......he was alone. a good person dies, there should be an impact on the world. somebody, should notice. somebody, should be upset.
------------------------------

somethings to consider about things between teachers and students.

i think this is his most inspiring words so far

2009-03-19T20:20:00.001+08:00

"I know Washington's all in a tizzy and everybody's pointing fingers at each other and saying it's all their fault, the Democrats' fault, the Republicans' fault"

"Listen, I'll take responsibility. I'm the President"

a lesson for all leaders. if only those in the pastures would learn.

i turn in because......

2009-03-18T00:12:00.003+08:00

i wonder if he surrendered because they put such a picture of him everywhere. being a criminal doesn't look so cool anymore huh?

"ok ok, i surrender! stop circulating that picture of me around can?"

i swore

2009-03-11T06:35:00.002+08:00

i made this decision 2 years ago
to never to return to the old pasture as one of the animals there
unless it fulfils any of the 2 conditions i set.

now one of the conditions will never be fulfilled.
as for the other condition,
i don't even think it will materialise.

so yeh. i'll keep to that promise i made to myself.
it's not like 2 years ago,
where what i gave up
means benefiting a huge number of people who mattered to me.
now if i were to do the same thing,
it will only benefit less than 5 people who mattered to me.
the cost is simply too much on me.
besides, they have so many alternatives available.

as for the new pasture,
i think i can make a promise to myself
and swear by the conditions
in which whether i'll return to it as one of the animals there.

cheesy but nice songs

2009-03-10T03:53:00.002+08:00

i wasn't even born when these songs came out, but back in the days when i was studying in mcdonalds, they are always tuned to class 95fm. so quiet saturday afternoons, these songs would usually be played.

it brings back a lot of memory of my more innocent days. :)

indispensable

2009-02-27T05:32:00.003+08:00

it's time for hall application once again. and soon, when the results of hall application is out, there will be politics once more - people wondering why they cannot stay, people demanding for more points, people demanding explanation why person a gets more points than person b when person b does more things than person a.

this is the time of hall stay that i both hate and love. hate that things get political. love because the smiles of the superficial are finally lost and they reveal their true colours. gives even more kick if you know that that person aren't sincere and no ones believe you, until his or her true colours are revealed.

but then again, i'm happy that i'm not part of all these action this year.

when i was in first year, someone once told me that if you prove to be indispensable, the hall will want you back no matter what. i laughed when i heard it.

first, there is no such thing as indispensable. it's either good-to-have, or we-will-do-fine-but-not-as-good-without-you. if anyone is really indispensable, what about those "indispensable" seniors that has since left?

next, wouldn't it be bad for the hall if you're indispensable? think about the long-term running of the place.

the greatest thing one can do for an organisation is not being indispensable or to carve a legacy for yourself. that is a short-sighted view. the greatest thing one can do for an organisation is to nurture and allow people to take over him or her and make things even better than he or she could.

as much as i'm worried that i wouldn't be able to get back into hall next year, i'm feeling assured that there are a bunch of people, who are more talented than i am, who will make things even better. yes, i will miss hall life greatly if i don't get to come back, but what will the hall gain if i had suppressed them to make myself "indispensable"?

of course, those working out there would say that it is a matter of keeping their jobs. but think about it - if you're occupying your space and preventing those more capable than you to take over just because you want to secure your job, will your organisation become better in the long run? imagine if everyone in the organisation does that, you wouldn't be able to move up either.

so what happens to the organisation in the end? it either stagnate, or declines. how does that benefit your job then?

legacies, even cast in stone, will still be doubted in the future and eroded away.
carving a name out for yourself? why be so short-sighted when all goes back to nothing

how about doing something for the next group, so that they can do something for their future groups?

practical wisdom

2009-02-21T13:04:00.001+08:00

hmm.....worth thinking about.

what do you want to do in your life?

2009-02-21T06:29:00.006+08:00

"The question that I hate most that we ask of young people is, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" And the truth is, I still don't know, and I'm 45 years old. (Laughter.) All I know is that it's important for you to be true to yourselves, not to worry too much about what other people are going to think or make of your choices, because everyone will question what you do and tell you you should've done it the other way. "
- Michelle Obama

i was lucky that i knew what i want to do in life at a very young age - primary 1 or 2 i think. but for all the monkids who asked me whether this or that has future, my reply is the same - it's a myth to say that this course has got a better future than another.

yes, some industries in singapore are more developed then other, some will provide more jobs than others. but so what if you're doing something you have no interest in even though there a lot of jobs out there for it?

between a mediocre person and a person who's passionate about his or her job, which would a employer choose?
between a mediocre person and a person who's passionate about what he or she is doing, who would excel more?

when i was in jc, "biotechnology" was the buzzword. suddenly, everyone wants to do biology and chemistry, even though they have no interest in it. what's the conclusion in the end? many, especially those without interest, did not further their studies in biotechnology.

there is no such thing as whether this course has future or not. it may have more jobs out there, but remember, you're competing with more people as well. are you able to stand out above them?

future is for you to create. even if you're interested in something that has very limited job, if you're passionate and good in it, excel in it, people will want you, not you wanting to get a job instead.

chestnuts

2009-02-10T05:25:00.002+08:00

i remember seeing this during last year's chestnuts and laughed my head's off when I finally understood what were they singing at the "hor sua" part. The subtitles for this one quite salah, but yet, the jist of it is there.

too bad i can't watch this year's. wah, parody avenue q leh!

when the snow falls

2009-02-02T07:54:00.002+08:00

当看见雪花飘落的那一擦哪，

脸上露出的笑容，
是否表示
了解幸福只需要那么一点点就够了

at the moment,
when you witness snowflakes,
the smile on your face,
is it an indication,
that you understood that just a little bit of happiness is more than sufficient?

why couldn't read?

2009-01-29T02:40:00.003+08:00

some of you asked me, why my blog was locked up for the past few hours.

i did something stupid today. i disrespected someone whom i have respected. it hurt the person greatly and it made me rethink of some of the things i have written in this blog as well.

the disrespect and hurt wasn't intentional. but it was against the values of the person and i did push some buttons as a result. plus the timing was really bad.

hence i decided to lock it up for a moment. but after some thought, i've decided that i have to take responsibility for what i've written or said in the past. hence now, i'm unlocking it once more.

however, i would really appreciate to know who are the ones reading my blog. please leave a comment or tag or msn me to tell me. especially the one who's coming from your singnet webmail - please identify yourself.

grow up

2009-01-23T04:36:00.002+08:00

i thought they have grown up
i was wrong.

it's amazing how fast they are still growing,
maturing,
especially in thought.

the power of words

2009-01-22T04:27:00.002+08:00

this is actually my favourite speech from now us president barack obama (oh it feels so good saying that).

words are really powerful.
it can make or break people.

just words?
think about the teacher who encouraged you to do something you never thought of doing,
or the teacher who put you down.

numbers

2009-01-16T06:56:00.004+08:00

spare me the rates,
i'm only interested about the exchange rates,
and not your passing or distinction rates.

spare me the msg,
i'll rather die of monosodium glutamate overdose,
than to hear you rant about mean subject grades.

for freaking goodness sake,
they are my kids
and some my dis.
stop de-humanising them with such statistics.

is it that difficult
to look at them as whole people,
and that academic grades are just a measure of a part of them
and not a reflection of the whole person?

is it that difficult
to see their individual efforts
instead of averaging them out into a certain percentage?

yes i know this sounds a little idealistic.
yes i know you have certain administrative obligations to fulfil in crunching this numbers.

but for goodness sake,
remember what it is for
administrative purposes.

it is not for you to say if the whole cohort did well or not.
it is not for you to judge if they put in effort or not.
it is not for you to compare if the previous batch is better than this batch.

yes, you might want to use it to evaluate whether if you're doing the right thing.
but remember, it's to evaluate what you have done.
you.

not them,
nor what they have done.
don't dehumanise them.
with these numbers.
i've made that mistake before.
don't make it again.

reaction

2009-01-13T03:49:00.003+08:00

frankly i don't really know how to react at the start.

some did better than expected,

some who gambled by spotting for such a crucial exam had their fingers burnt deservingly.

some, their hard work paid off better than they wished,

some, i thought they deserve better given the amount of hardwork they've put it.

i've been telling them,

you may not get what you wish for,

but what you get might be better than what you wished for.

i told them the story of "how all the dots connect when you look back"

how it's been the case for gim, alien and my own post-jc life,

when u make the best of what's here and excel in it.

truth to be told,

some of them worked so hard.

read my past post and you'll know

more than a year of red-eyes, consistent hardwork.

yes, some had their hardwork paid off.

but some, secretly, my heart broke.

not out of disappointment - they could only make me more proud.

but rather, that their efforts is not rewarded, and they deserve better.

i know we need examples to prove to some people,

that people do not do well in school not because they are not working hard enough.

i know we need examples to prove to some people,

that academic results is not the measure of a person.

but must it be them,

who despite all the hardwork,

be under-measured or looked down upon

by their family whom they want more love from,

just because of less-than-ideal results?

must it be them,

to set the examples for us to use?

i don't know how much my words help them feel better

i don't know how much my love helps them.

i'm trying to convince them,

and so am i making myself trust,

that the dots will connect when they look back.

but i will still continue to trust this feeling,

that i always had from the start,

that they will exceed me in life.

o's is just a step.

once you move to the next step,

nobody cares about your o's anymore.

d-day

2009-01-10T18:39:00.000+08:00

they say they are worried and nervous.

and we constantly assure them that it will be fine.

truth to be told,

we are the ones who are more worried

and more nervous.

but we have to hide that behind an assuring face

the road home

2009-01-04T22:23:00.006+08:00

waiting at the bus stop at the passenger terminal for a bus to the victory monument. after 20 minutes did i finally see the notice that says that all bus services have moved to the new transportation centre and i have to take the shuttle bus (which i saw pass by me 4 times) to there.

the new transportation centre.

waiting for the bus to move off to victory monument. something funny happened: when the bus conductor came up, she was commenting to the driver how delicious the "farang" (guava) that she's munching on is. the farang (caucasian) seated behind the driver was visibly shocked. now all we need is a marn farang (potato) to finish up the puns.

bus from victory monument to pakkret

the village entrance

park soi or the main lane (soi) that leads to all near 40 other sois. about to hail a motorcycle taxi.

the soi leading home.

i'm back.

and for someone.

i nearly laughed my heads off when i saw this on the vest of the uncle whose motorcycle i rode. you can use this if you start a similar business. hehe.

the day the monkids treated the floating log

2009-01-03T01:06:00.005+08:00

some of the monkids and dis got wind that the floating log will be going away for a long time
and they decided to treat the floating log today.

the floating log didn't know what it will be like
but it turns out
it seems as if nothing has changed
it's like things were on pause for 2 months,
and now someone pressed the play button once more.

the same silence was there through out.
but when time is only with 2 of them,
the silent one, who has been avoiding,
suddenly can't wait to tell all.

the silence was finally explained
it wasn't out of avoidance
but preferring other modes of communicating

today they made it really clear
for they will want to keep in contact with the floating log.
many ask the floating log to take care
and ask them out again when the floating log is back.

somehow, someone seems to be playing tricks with the floating log
2 years ago, november and december,
the floating log was struggling and decided to give up on all,
yet at the turn of 2008,
all clear signs were there for him to take it back

2 months ago, the floating log was struggling too
and decided to give it all up also.
but yet at the turn of this year,
the words couldn't be clearer than before.

thank you
thank you for giving me a clear sign of what's next.
it's only after today did the floating log understand
why one of the monkids said what he said a week back.
cause things hasn't change,
when the floating log thought it has.

the ticket truly doesn't belong to the floating log
because his destination is different

it was only when the sun rose today
at the break of dawn,
with the initial rays
that illuminate the lands
did the floating log see
that he's heading for a better destination
one where the monkids and dis are with him
throughout the journey

so this is 2008

2008-12-31T02:55:00.008+08:00

time for my traditional look-back-look-ahead post. I've decided to do something less direct. I'll let songs do the talking. all, except one, has english subtitles lah.

with matters regarding the mon-kids, i started off the year with this attitude:

turns out subsequently somethings happened. it could be partly because i did not let go completely either. when my fingers were grabbed, i decided to hold it once again. i thought (and kinda wanted) it would be like this:

turns out i never left, when even when the boats came.

for a period of time, i felt like this. especially when i was at the new pasture - torn between monkeys at both pastures. it wasn't a case of either-all, it was a case of not having a choice at all. what was done for the new pastures, i wished i could use it for the mon-kids. but it was still limited to a few.

>

when it all cumulated and they have made it through the big hurdle, silence was all that's left. it's close to 2 months of silence with most of them.

----------------------------
among this silence, much has happened. . i had one of my best semester results a mid an extremely crazy semester, handling inefficiencies of admin work to prepare for my time away for a long long time.

the last 2 months came with bad news about mae. things seems optimistic right now. i hope it stays that way. then again, anything can happen.
----------------------------
as for the mon-kids, this song enlightened me.

the ticket to the destination was never for me all along. to have come so far and close to the destination - i should count myself lucky.

the ticket is available to all. right now, they have so many boats for them. the boats have the tickets to the destination - why would the log be needed at the destination if that's the case? is he wanted at the destination at all in the first place?

i forgot that the ticket was never meant for me - the destination was something that is available to all, the boats, but not the floating log. some how, i felt a lot more at peace when i realised this, especially when i found out that i will be missing a lot more things at the destination. why be bothered about it. it was never meant for me from the start.

------------------------------

i don't know what to say about the new year. so much has happened this year, in terms of personal life, in terms of the world. perhaps 2008 is the darkest hour before dawn. perhaps we have yet to reach the darkest hour yet.

but life is transient. so is all things good and bad. this is my attitude:

pass

2008-12-27T00:54:00.003+08:00

kak asked for another copy of my slides the other day. met up with her today to pass her those, along with the file that contains all the notes and resources i have created for the past 2 years.

i guess i wouldn't be needing them for quite a while, especially when i'm going to be away for a long time. so instead of letting it sit on my bookshelf to collect dust, why not lend it to kak instead.

perhaps i should have passed it to her long time ago. after all, she held the ticket, while i was denied the destination despite holding to one.

wipe your tears, andaman

2008-12-25T23:22:00.009+08:00

no name, no identification, no voice.
nobody knows who's beneath these graves.
marked only with a serial number,
wondering if their family is waiting back at home.

nobody knows what's their story before,
but when it came, the stories ended the same way.

a name, a picture, an identification.
a poem, a verse, a "we miss you".

different countries, different ages,
different skin colour, different religion.
different life stories before.
but when it came, the stories ended the same way.

a boat, that floated
not just itself
it carried along people.
it floated the lives of many,
the hopes of many,
whom today, continue to tell the story of this boat.

a minority group, that was on the verge of losing it all.
before it came, they warned all.
still they lost some of their loved ones
but their stories bear grit and determination.

when the waves came, 4 years ago,
they say it took away so many.

yet the stories remain, passed on and on.
those that was passed to me,
i've passed it on.
and will pass it on to my future students.
your story of life,
your story of recovery.

ซับน้ำตาอันดามัน by Carabao
wipe your tears, andaman (translation from ethaimusic.com)

ไม่เคยคิด ไม่เคยฝัน ไม่ทันตั้งตัว
I had never thought.. I had never dreamed.. I'm unable to establish myself...
ท้องฟ้ามืดมัว แผ่นดินเลื่อนลั่นสั่นไหว
The sky were cloudy.. and the ground shaked loudly...

ไม่เคยพบ ไม่เคยเห็น ไม่เคยสนใจ
I had never encountered it.. I had never seen it.. and I have never paid attention to it...
ซูนามิ คืออะไร รู้จักแต่ซาซิมิ
What's Tsunami? I only know Sashimi...

มันมาดั่งมัจจุราช ทุ่มโถมโทรมใส่ชายหาด
It came as if Death.. swooped down and ravished on the beach
มันกวาดทุกสิ่งพินาศ..... ซูนามิ
It swept everything to it's fall... Tsunami.

ไม่เคยนึก ไม่เคยนับ สรรพศพมากมาย
I had never thought.. I never counted... all the corpses were so many...
แผ่นดินร่ำไห้ แผ่นน้ำใยเลือดเย็น
The ground cries... the water is cruel...

ไม่ว่าใคร ไม่ว่าชาติไหน ไม่มีข้อยกเว้น
No matter who, No matter which nationality, It had no exceptions...
ธรรมชาติถือกฎเกณฑ์ มนุษย์เทียบเท่าเม็ดทราย
Nature believes in a rule.. where a human is the equal to a grain of sand...

มันมาดั่งมัจจุราช มันโถมทุ่มใส่ชายหาด
It came as Death, it swooped down and lavished on the beach..
มันกวาดทุกสิ่งพินาศ..... ซูนามิ
It swept everything to it's fall... Tsunami.

อันดามัน สวรรค์บนโลกวิไลซ์
Andaman, the beautiful paradise on earth...
ต้องวิปโยคครั้งยิ่งใหญ่ นี่คือชะตากรรม
it had to be the most tragical time..this is fate.

อันดามัน สวรรค์ไม่ทันเตรียมกาย
Andaman, the paradise unable to be prepared.
ไหลไปเถอะธารน้ำใจ ซับน้ำตาอันดามัน
Please let your kindness flow.. wipe your tears Andaman...

ไหลไปเถอะธารน้ำใจ ซับน้ำตาอันดามัน
Please let your kindness flow.. wipe your tears Andaman...
โอ๊ย……..โอย ซูนามิ
Oh... ... .. oh... Tsunami

sometimes music says it better

2008-12-24T19:06:00.003+08:00

haven't tinkered the ivories for a while. i'm reminded of this scene in the "love of siam" movie:

here's what happened half an hour later, when emotions and word mix with epiphany and ivories were tinkered.
mind the lousy chords (i don't know how to arrange) and poor recording quality.

sometimes, music says it better than words.

to the monkey who asked yesterday,
thank you.
but look at what has happened,
or not happened so far.
how not to think
that it doesn't matter to them?

what is love to you?

2008-12-23T00:20:00.004+08:00

watched the original version of "love of siam"(รักแห่งสยาม) via 土豆 a few months back. was attracted to it as fellow thai class friends and ajarns were saying how wonderful the movie is, but never came across a subtitled version till on 土豆. apparently, there were some outrage when the movie was shown, as there was a subplot that involves homosexuality. well, can't blame them. this was the movie poster:

seems like a teen romance movie. no hint of any homosexual scenes in the movie. no wonder they were caught surprised when the two male leads kissed.

but this aren't a movie about homosexual romance anyway, as the director claimed ( and I would agree after watching the movie). this movie is multi-layered with different subplots and stories, and different kinds of love - parental, friendship. it discussed about the kind of love spouses spouses have, the kind of love families have, the kind of love teenagers have - puppy love, infatuation, confusion about sexuality and self-identity. to say that it is a homosexual story base on the kissing scene is like saying that the kueh lapis is too green by pointing out to the green layer.

the fact that it is a multi-layered story about different kinds of love is more evident from the director's cut version, which is kinda like an extended version of the original one, where previously deleted scenes are inserted back. the characters are fleshed out a lot more - to show more of their struggles and motivations behind their actions. the mother who seemed uncaring to the father at home, is actually very worried about his health. tong may have initiated the kiss with mew, but with the director's cut version, we see more of him struggling with his own identity and sexuality. the mother having witness his son and mew kissing - we see more of her struggling with whether to accept her son's possible sexual orientation and the kind of things she did out of love for her son. the kind of relationships teenagers have are also under the spotlight more - are they doing certain things because that is what girlfriend/boyfriends are suppose to do, or are they really in love? infatuation? crush? how do they deal with it?

it goes back to these questions: what is love? and what would you do for love? is there such thing as too much love? why do we hurt the ones we love?

if you have the chance, watch it. especially the director's cut version. a sweet, enjoyable and deep movie. great songs too. just don't expect a happy ending. :P

and please, understand the scenes in the context of the whole movie and story development. it's not a "gay movie". it's much deeper and more layered than that.

empty tables

2008-12-20T22:17:00.007+08:00

not used to seeing so many empty tables at the library.
on the bright side, i can be very lok-kok!

lie

2008-12-17T20:42:00.002+08:00

the same lie for the past 3 years.
you think that will tug my heart strings once more?

i've seen through the lies
i've seen through your real intention.

no need to lie or suck up to me
you can end your performance.

the exact same words for the past 3 years.
" I will......."
if you meant it at all
for al the times you uttered it,
you wouldn't find yourself in such a situation today.

take a bow.
I don't need to see that performance.

2008-12-17T00:11:00.002+08:00

the floating log wonders if he should break the 1 month plus silence and tell the monkeys that he will be going away for a long time.

why wonder?

it doesn't seem like it matters to them. tell them already, don't know what the reaction would be like.

is it worth breaking the silence?

the fallacy of "lacking parental supervision"

2008-12-14T20:11:00.005+08:00

was reading the article about the increasing sexual activity among teenagers. all i can say is that i'm not really convinced that there is this moral panic as suggested by the article, as they have simply taken some isolated cases to prove a certain point. even the survey conducted among 1000 teenagers did not highlight the sample size and demographic for us to truly ascertain how accurate it reflects the mindset of teenagers. it is after all, a paper that suggest that all thais in singapore are upset when suvarnabhumi airport was closed based on a few interviews at golden mile?

anyway, that is not the main reason why i'm writing this post. in trying to find a reason for this moral panic illusion, the "experts" attribute it mainly to a lack of parental supervision as the reason to why such problems surface. so technically, if one tightens parental supervision, the "problem" would be solved?

wrong. it will make matters worse in fact.

let's use this metaphor. parental supervision is like the leaves on a tree. with more parental supervision, you would shade more - likewise, with lesser parental supervision is like having lesser leaves on a trees, hence providing less shade.

hence, attributing these "problems" to a lack of parental supervision is like saying that teenagers these days are more exposed to the sun is because there is less leaves on the tree. so to solve the problem is to add more leaves to the tree?

but is the trunk and branches of the tree strong enough? having more leaves means more weight - a tree with weak trees and brances will simply break when more leaves are added.

the trunks and branches in these case refer to the rapport and trust between the parent and child. a parent-child relationship that lack rapport and trust will simply break down parental supervision is increased, without a strong rapport and trust to support it. teenagers will feel that their parents don't know enough about them, and can't trust their parents decisions as what's good for them. in fact, it would simply push the child to do what the "increased parental supervision" is suppose to prevent.

hence, what's lacking is not parental supervision - it is a rapport and trust between child and parent. but here comes the contradiction - if a parent trust a child more, why should a parent supervise their child more then?

with trust, the supervision is no longer active, but rather passive. what do i mean by that? when there is trust and rapport, a child is more willing to ask a parent about something he or she is curious about. when there is trust and rapport, a child is more willing to seek the advice of a parent when facing a dilemma or problem. hence, instead of actively supervising what the child is doing, the child comes to the parent, and the parent is updated of the child's activities without needing to actively ask or "interrogate". in another words, the tree need not extent its branches actively to shade the child, the child comes to the shade.

i would be lying if i were to say that i wasn't worried about my monkeys when they were relationships. you hear news of all those "moral panic", and you wonder about the possibility of things happening. but i decided not to give warnings or advices when they are not asked for. i decided to show that i trust them to make the right decisions as young adults. rather, i chose to hide my paranoia and worries behind, and chose to build trust and rapport instead. what happens in the end is that i get to tease those who are in a relationship, a sign that rapport has been build. at the same time, when they are facing dilemmas in their relationship, my advice is sought. even if i declared that i've not been in a relationship before to give good advice, the fact that the advice is still sought suggest a certain amount of trust.

only when advice is given when it is solicited will be heard by a teenager, where as an advice or warning given when it is not asked for will be nagging to a teenager. for advice to be solicited, there needs to be rapport. for warnings to be heeded, there needs to be trust. of course, i do nag and yes there are times when my advices are considered as naggings as well.

what our journalists need to do is not just point out the symptoms of growing numbers of poor child-parent relationship. net addiction, increasing sexual curiosity, etc. pointing out the symptoms without attributing it correctly to a poor child-parent relationship would only increase the amount of paranoia in parents, making them trust their child less and straining their relationship.

disclaimer: the choice of trees as a metaphor has nothing to do with the fact that i'm a floating log. :P

full glass?

2008-12-14T16:40:00.004+08:00

is my glass full,
or can it actually hold more water?

someone once said my glass is not full,
it's just that i stop more water from going into it.

i wish to think that it can hold a lot more water,
instead of just one group.
i thought it was proven to me this year
that it can hold more water.
but was it selective?

if it is really full,
should i pour away the old water then?

what do i mean by this glass and water metaphor?
if you understand this (nice) song, you'll get what i mean.

the song that best describes what i'm feeling now

2008-12-07T22:33:00.002+08:00

(ถ้าน้องวินได้อ่านโพส์ตนี้ ขอน้องวินช่วยพี่หน่อย ถ้ามีไครขอน้องวินช่วยแปลโพส์ตนี้ให้ ไม่ให้แปลได้ไหม ขอบใจนะน้อง :) )

ไม่รู้ว่าทำไมวันนี้คิดถึงลูกกับน้องชายมากๆ
ไม่คุยกับเขามา๑เดือนแล้ว
บอกกับตัวเองต้องตัดใจ

ในเดือนนี้ก็ไม่มีอะไร
แต่ทำไมวันน้ีรุ้สึกอย่างนี้
อย่ากได้เจอเขา
อยากได้คุยกับเขา

ทำไม
เพราะวันนี้ไปใกบลๆเฃงคัง?

the picture in every house

2008-12-04T23:18:00.005+08:00

it is no exaggeration that almost every single house in thailand display at least a picture of the royalty. to say that thais respect the king is an understatement.

paul m. handley, the author of "the king never smiles" put a counter argument about the halo that surrounds the king's image. i must say that it is quite well-argued, but whether it is constructed or not, it is hard to deny that the king is the unifying force of the country. minorities in the south, who did not go to school to receive what some would charge as the "propaganda", but are discriminated against by other ethnic thais, feels that they are "subjects of the king" but do not belong to the thai government. when illegal migrants in the north wants to show their gratitude to the country for hosting them, they do it by showing respect to the king, not the thai government.

of course, there are many different pictures of the king. the most common ones are him holding on to a map, with a camera slinged around his neck, consulting the people, giving suggestions or inspecting the royal projects aimed at improving the lives of the people.

but this is my favourite of them all, where he greeted a leper with such affection.

"ที่ของข้าพเจ้าในโลกนี้
คือการที่ได้อยู่ท่ามกลางประชาชนของข้าพเจ้า
นั้นคือคนไทยทั้งปวง"

"my place in the world
is to be with my people
- all thai people"

in celebration of his 81st birthday

in tribute to a leader that i really respect

2008-12-03T01:37:00.004+08:00

my next few post over the next few days will be as a form of tribute to the king of thailand, in celebration of his 81th birthday on 5th of december.

my respect for him did not come overnight. like all who visited thailand for the first time, i did wonder why is the king so highly revered in the country. it was only through reading his biographies did i understand what he has done.

now some might argue that his eminence and respect given by the thais were done through propaganda. if it was true, do consider the following
1) if what he has done is all fluff, why was he awarded the UN human development award?
2) why did he earn the respect of so many foreigners, including me, who have not read any thing that was written by thais?

i do agree that news about him can be a little bias. but to consider it as "propaganda", like what was written in "the king never smiles", i think it is a little extreme. besides, the book, in its intention to be more critical, was still unable to deny the contributions the king has done for his people. that is the source of my respect for him.

he and his brother fell in love with jazz while they were studying. this is one of his composition

Love At Sundown ยามเย็น - Chesky Records

suggestion to those judging on the current situations

2008-12-02T00:14:00.004+08:00

1) please know the full story.

don't say "they should have done this" "why they didn't do this" if you don't know the full context. eg: asking why the indian intelligence didn't do this or that, or why the pad takes over the airport. for the case of india, as you can see, even if the hotel remains on high alert, it would still have failed as some of the terrorists are already working gin the hotel, hence entering through the loopholes. yes, more could have been detected, but do take into considerations of the bigger picture and the other things they have done as well before judging.

as for pad, do try to understand why they do it in the first place and their motivation. it is over-simplification to say that it is class-war, bangkok vs rural area. hello, pad also have supporters in the rural south. what class-war are you talking about? do also question the media's protrayal and pictures they provide in contrast to this

from here

i'm not saying that it justifies their actions, but before you call them "undemocratic" or "violent", do look at what they are comparing as well. tell me from these pictures, what "mob rule" are you talking about?

2) stop over-generalising the whole area

just because it happened in mumbai or bangkok does not mean that the whole of the city is in trouble. it's like saying that the whole of singapore is in turmoil because of protests at parliment and speaker's corner, whether in turns violent or not. please lah, they are localised areas.

yes, there is a risk of the threat spreading. but think about it again - where would the threat spread if it were to spread? i think we singaporeans had a higher chance of catching sars in 2003 then to be affected by the protests if we were in bangkok.

disclaimer
i'm not supporting the acts of the terrorists in mumbai, nor am i trying to play down the danger in these places. yes, terrorism is very real. yes, these protests can turn into bloodshed. but like all things geographical, think about the scale. is the whole of the city affected?

just like how we were lamenting that singapore is quite safe even though sars was at its height - can we do the same for mumbai and bangkok? assess the actual geographical scale of the threat before we hold any irrational fears or judge the situation?

cover

2008-11-30T22:55:00.002+08:00

blood on the streets
fingers pointing
grenades flying
knifes awaiting
guns aiming

whatever happened to love and tolerance?
yet we chose to blind ourselves
with power and our interpretation of morality.

what are we giving our next generation?

"......If all the people around the world
they had a mind like yours
We'd have no fighting and no wars
There would be lasting peace on earth

If all the kings and all the leaders
Could see you here this way
They would hold the earth in their arms
They would learn to watch you play

Oh my sleeping child the world's so wild
But you've build your own paradise
That's one reason why
I'll cover you sleeping child"

forgiveness

2008-11-28T22:34:00.005+08:00

are we able to forgive the people
who hurt us in the past
or our loved ones?

went to watch "muallaf" today. would love to be at the q&a session with yasmin ahmad and the cast tomorrow, but exams comes first.

i thoroughly enjoyed the film. thought it is more straightforward than "sepet" and "gubra", but nonetheless, like those 2 yasmin ahmad's film, the silence and simplicity of the film and cinematography speaks louder than all the special effects you have in hollywood.

i still can't get off my mind this scene in the movie: how the two sisters (as shown in the poster above) can, at every night, forgive those who hurt them the most. the elder sister can still love her father despite the abuse and mental torture given to her and her late mother.

i would want to forgive those who hurt me before too, especially the winged-tigers. so do i want to forgive the same tigers who predated on the monkeys.

but i'm still finding the way to.

"it is in forgiving that we are forgiven"

i can only think of this song

2008-11-26T19:39:00.002+08:00

called back thailand today. all i can say is this song says everything.

มะเร็ง,

you've taken my father.
though i'm not related to her by blood,
don't take her too please.

a change of name again

2008-11-26T01:22:00.000+08:00

don't ask me why. you will find the meaning in one of the recent posts.

when would-be teachers watch a show together......

2008-11-25T23:37:00.002+08:00

this is what happened when 2 teacher-to-be friends of mine and I watch "life transformers" on channel 8 yesterday. here are the selected quotes

"how can they show the kids on the show?"
'later they get ridiculed in school how?"
"shouldn't they protect their identity?"

"how can they just stereotype the kid like this?"
"ya lor, later he get laughed at in school how?"

"look at their situation, how can any body says that the parent's don't care?"
"yeh, sometimes it's not that the parents don't care, but they can't"
"like this one, the father has to work all the time to barely make ends meet, and the mother is in such poor health"

"given this condition, how can we blame the child for not wanting to come home?"

songs on repeat at the moment

2008-11-25T01:22:00.001+08:00

enjoy these 2 songs a lot lately. it's kinda on repeat mode, especially the first one. yeh, i know it has been out in thailand for quite a while, but i'm slow. :P

Mur Kow Mah Chun Ja Pai - ThaiLand sOng_-_Endorphine

กลัว - โดม Nologo

and the watch stopped

2008-11-23T20:25:00.003+08:00

the watch stopped today.
how apt, how apt.

one of the monkids asked,
why not get it fixed?

i have tried to get it moving for the past year,
but i guess somethings,
can't be fixed,
no matter how hard i try.

i tried looking
for where it went wrong
i can't find it.

i guess it is best for them,
to be left stopped.

the log and the boat

2008-11-22T19:04:00.003+08:00

the floating log
can't keep the people holding on to it afloat for long,
especially when it is rotting.

so why should the log be upset,
that when a boat comes,
these people move on to the boat?

ขอนไม้กับเรือ -

stupid me.
they do not have just one boat.
what's there to be upset about
it's not their fault
i'm just a floating log.

PS: if you know the meaning of this song, there is another singer who sang a "reply" to it.

is being mobile a curse?

2008-11-21T22:20:00.005+08:00

my mon-kids are all singaporeans. the only foreigner i know among them are either malaysians or a chinese national who has studied in singapore since primary school, and that his mother is with him in singapore.

so it was a rather surprising thing for me when i was sent to the new pasture for that few weeks, to know that a number of the monkeys in the new pasture are foreigners who are here on their own. technically, they are not borned in the year of the monkeys, but since they are all the same batch, let's just call them monkeys as well. most of them came from indonesia, one from vietnam, another from thailand.

practically all of the indonesians who came here started off when they were in sec 3. so in retrospect, it wouldn't be too much on them to uproot and start in a new education system, especially when most of them are alone here.

but what struck me the most was the one from thailand. not because i speak thai or i have a interest in thai culture, nor is it due to the fact that i have a thai "family". what struck me the most was when i first spoke to him. of course, he is rather confident - he has done quite a few presentations before, as according to my mentor. but i also sense sadness, loneliness and a sense of lost beyond that confident front.

turns out as i got to know him better, i realise why. he's been in singapore since he was 11. by the time he went on to sec 1, his cousin, who was also in singapore, returned to thailand. so the only thai he knows in singapore is he and himself, during his formative years as a teenager. now that he has finished his o'levels, he is (don't know when it will be a was) troubled, wondering if he should uproot and return to thailand to continue his study (as originally planned), or continue his study here. and of course, his decision would implicate where he will work in the future. his decision is also affected by his language ability, and ability to fit back in.

===========================================
hence, it made me wonder : is being mobile curse?

if he didn't have the mobility, he wouldn't need to move here to study, nor would he have to go through the trouble of thinking about returning or staying.

if he didn't have the mobility, he wouldn't have to have such ambiguity with his own identity. how would you feel if someone labelled you as "singaporeanised" when you're not a singaporean? how would you feel if you worry about the command of your own mother tongue? how would you feel if you have to worry if you would fit back in into the place where you were born?

i'm not saying nor suggesting that he didn't benefit from his education here, nor that he wasn't taken care of. but should an 11 year old be burdened with uprooting and forced to be independent in a foreign land? should a 14 year old spend his formative years, where he is becoming more self-aware of himself, or establishing his own identity, in a situation that makes it ambiguous? it is already difficult enough for 16/17 years old singaporeans to wonder whether to go to a jc or poly, and which stream or which course. must a 17 year old be burdened with the thought of whether to re-uproot himself again?

i must say he has a group of very good friends. but let's face it - issues with regards to his own culture, own identity, education pathways back at his own country - no one could do it better than those from his own country. the indonesians, with their larger network, would be better able to provide support for each other with regards to these aspects, but what about him?

------------------------------------------------------
hence i have this question: is being mobile a curse?

true, it's their choice to uproot and whatsoever. even though they are not the children of our soil ( and i would argue, imagined commonality and imagined boundaries), they are still our students after all. true, they have guardians who are suppose to take care of them, but there are somethings that their guardians can't do or see, which teachers can.

shouldn't we look out for their emotional development more? singaporean students are already confused with their future path with whatever options available to them, isn't it worse for those from a foreign land?

perhaps there could be a network to connect them with each other. maybe i should do something about it when i enter the service.

now before you criticise that there is no need for such things, think again: why is there a need for those singapore unions or singapore clubs or singapore days overseas? and they cater to people who are much older and can better support themselves emotionally as well. what does it say then?

whoever you are

2008-11-20T21:31:00.003+08:00

the following people who visit my blog, i would love for you tell me who you are. drop me a comment or a message on my tagboard ok?

1) the one who keeps visiting from Oslo, Norway. i don't remember anyone i know who is in Oslo now.
2) the one who visits me from your singnet webmail. was wondering who in the world would email my blog, which is filled with useless crap to you?

empty nest syndrome

2008-11-20T21:07:00.004+08:00

empty nest syndrome

according to wikipedia, empty nest syndrome is the
"general feeling of loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives may feel when one or more of their children leave home."

some websites say it comes about the time when there is a clear signal that a parent/guardian is no longer needed the same way he or she once was.

perhaps, that's what is the case now for the old cow, now that his mon-kids are done with the big hurdle. after last night, though the old cow was thankful for the dinner, the old cow didn't realise that he actually have a bit of empty-nest syndrome for some of the monkeys in the new pasture, until last night.

is that the price the old cow has to pay for putting a bit of his heart in every lessons he taught?

it reminded the old cow of this complain one of his di mentioned - who was complaining how one teacher did not put in his/her heart when it comes to teaching. though the old cow wanted to shoot back at his di, he decided not to.

what exactly does a teacher does when he or she puts his/her heart into teaching? be more concern? spend even more effort in preparing the lesson? it's not like the teacher the old cow's di complain about didn't do.

but if it means getting the teacher to revolve a part of his or her life around the students, there is a price to pay for that. mainly, the empty-nest syndrome. for a teacher who is married with kids, is it fair for the teacher to do that in the first place - to take time away from his/her family and to invest it in someone who will leave an empty-nest within a few months?

that was what the old cow wanted to tell his di. but he decided not to, for it might guilt his di. he only hope that he'll discover how unreasonable his expectation can be.

whatever is the case, the old cow shall, and will, over come this empty-nest syndrome.

sometimes

2008-11-18T22:45:00.004+08:00

Sometimes - The Carpenters

sometimes by the carpenters
sometimes not often enough

we reflect upon the good things

and those thoughs always center around those we love

and I think about those people who mean so much to me

and for so many years have made me so very happy

and I count the times I have forgotten to say thank you

and just how much I love them

but that aren't something that you all accept.

favourite quotes from a movie

2008-11-18T01:02:00.002+08:00

(in reference to the actions of a mother in the movie)
"although there are times,
when you all love each other too much,
and end up hurting yourselves.
but i believe,
after sometime,
we will all learn that,
there is no such thing as 'too much love'

even though there are times,
when we make mistakes because of 'too much love'
it's much better than not doing anything for the sake of love,
isn't it?

in life,
there are many opportunities for us to try again.
after learning from our mistakes,
we will always have the opportunity.
hope you will hold on to it,
to care for each other more."

---------------------------
"it may only be a small achievement,
but it is because of all these many little achievements,
that make us even more proud of our children"

which movie did it came from? i'm not telling.
i'll just give you one of the song (though not my favourite) that is from the movie.

รู้สึกบ้างไหม? - The August Band

cleared my thoughts

2008-11-15T22:38:00.005+08:00

it's been a while since mum and i sat down for a home cooked meal and talk. haven't been spending much quality time with her for the past few months - her being busy with her volunteer work, me tutoring my mon-kids for their o's. then came by projects avalanche and now finally there is a breather before the exam craze.

mum never knew how attached i am to my mon-kids. nor does she knows that i have 5 dis. i didn't tell her because she'll freak out - all those reports of teachers being accused (those wrongly accused of course) caused her to be extremely cautious. i had to assure her many times i'm meet my mon-kids in public areas for tuition then her mind will ease a little. so i did not tell her what i'm going through now. but somehow, after listening to her talk about some of her problems, i kinda found the solutions to mine.

i used to tell my colleagues this: we did not teach to receive appreciation. if appreciation is shown, it's a bonus.

yet i did not really practice what i preach. wondering why things turn out this way - aren't i looking for another form of appreciation and gratification of what i have put it? i might as well do what xyz did(which i'm still digusted about) - openly guilt them, ask them if (s)he should continue putting effort into them because (s)he has not been thanked. oh yeh, somehow that worked in getting whatever appreciation (s)he wanted, but i'm still disgusted by that method.

kak is right. when you put in too much, you'll end up expecting something to happen, and it can strains things when somethings are said / not said or done / not done.

i guess that is the case with me and the 3 dis of mine. i'm expecting something, i'm expecting a clear answer, probably because of what i've put in. i didn't put those in to get something in return, neither should i expect anything from them - be it a clear answer or what.

so that's why i'm no longer taking an active role now. i don't want things to be done out of obligation, neither do i want to guilt you all.

yes i would very much prefer a clear indication.
but if it is not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
if it is suppose to continue, like with my 2 other dis, then it shall continue.
if it must take a few years before we find each other again, then let it be.
if we will only find each other at my deathbed, like what happened in "Tuesdays with Morrie", then so be it.
if it will never continue, then let it be.
perhaps to them, some things are better left unsaid.

i am trying hard to move on, but give me time. at the start of the year, i thought i have successfully moved on. turns out that's not how things should turn out, and my life revolved around them once more.

now i have nothing to help them. it's the time to really close this chapter for good and move on with life. more than 2 years of my life have more or less revolved around them. i will need time to fill in the void. perhaps when i start my exchange next semester, starting a new life would help me move on much more easily.

but they will continue to have a special place,
on my table,
on my wallpaper,
and in my heart.

my mon-kids, will always be my mon-kids.
my dis, will always be my dis.
i don't know if there will be a batch where i would love as much,
or be just as committed and attached to.

i certainly miss them a lot.
thanks for all the joy you all have given me.
all that's left are feathers.

can't find cat steven's version, and rod stewart's version is quite bad. so have to resort to a nicer, but female version.

no longer

2008-11-12T22:20:00.003+08:00

re-read my old entries, that were written last year around the same time.
seems like it is the same thing over and over again.

i'm not pushing the 3 of them away.

they are still my di.
but instead actively asking them,
i've decided to be passive.

it's been more than a year since i consider 5 of them as my di.
only 2 has been clear so far, that i'm a brother to them.

but the other 3,
it's been more than 1 year
and it hasn't been clear.
one moment i'm really sure they don't want me to be around,
another moment they seem like they want it.
doesn't help when my friends think that
they want me to be around.

why is it that what you tell me,
contradicts what i see?
you tell me they express it in another manner,
or have problems expressing it.
but tell me:
is not replying my questions considered as wanting me to be around?
is actively moving away from me if i were to change my seat considered as wanting me to be around?
is actively moving away from me if i were to go from person to person considered as wanting me to be around?
even someone who saw the photos say so
"he wants to escape from you"

so tell me.
i have believed what some of you said for 1 year.
yet i still see contradictions,
and wondered if you're really right when i see things that tally with what you said.

i don't want to guess anymore.
i will no longer take the active role.
i will not longer initiate any conversation or any sms.
i will no longer ask them to "take care" or "all the best"
neither will i update them on anything.
like me going for exchange.

i no longer know if they want me to care.
i no longer know if they want to know about what's going on with me.
in fact, i never knew.

but i will still be there for them when they want it.
they are my dis after all.

goodbye

2008-11-11T22:09:00.004+08:00

that's my last sms that i've initiated.
goodbye to the 3 of you.
i have been guessing, wondering, deciphering for too long.
wondering if it is something that you all want to have or not.
wondering what's next.
yet i could never get a clear answer from you all.
if it is a no, say so. why make it so ambiguous for me.
i have to guess from your behaviour, your actions, your words, which contradicts all the time.

i've decided to follow my gut feel.
take the most painful route for me,
and goodbye.

it aren't easy for me.
especially when nothing inside has changed or will change.
but, i guess this is what the 3 of you wanted.

ก็หมดเวลาฉัน ตั้งแต่นี้ ฉันขอลาก่อน

tomorrow is the day

2008-11-10T22:10:00.003+08:00

after i send out my last good luck, all the best message,
i wouldn't initiate anymore sms to 3 of them.
seems like showing them concern makes them uncomfortable.

"I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear "

what did i learn from obama

2008-11-09T00:12:00.002+08:00

not those race thingy or change stuff.

but about leading.

it's not about listening to those who support you only.
it's about listening to those who disagree with you as well.
even if an agreement can't be met,
at least a respectful discussion could be made,
to earn each other's respect.

it's not about leading those who support you only.
it's about leading everyone.
like he said

"i want to be their president as well"

of power, serving and person

2008-11-08T21:36:00.004+08:00

do you want power to serve
or serve to get power?

i don't understand why people want power,
when they don't want to serve.

neither do i understand,
why should a person be measured by his/her achievements
but not by how much of a person the person is?
achievements may not be achieved by a person,
it can be achieved by a monster (case in point about serving and power)

so go kiss your child on the forehead
and hug him/her
how great they are should not be measured by their results,
what school they get into,
but how much of a person they are.

from someone's else blog

2008-11-06T00:32:00.004+08:00

Life could be short. Give your siblings, mum or dad... whoever's close to you and staying with you... a hug tonight. I know I'm gonna give my wife and kids a big one when I see them. In the blink of an eye, things could change unexpectedly. Let's not take people we care about for granted.

- from someone's blog.

no. life is not "could be short". life is short.

unfortunately, being appreciative to those people around you,
showing how much you appreciate them,
how much you care for them,
doesn't necessarily mean they will be comfortable or happy with it.

cause they,
don't think that life is short,
or take you for granted,
thinking there is always a tomorrow.

that's life.
it's short.

but that doesn't mean you shouldn't show,
how much you love them,
how much you care for them,
how important they are to you.

cause you never know,
when you'll not have the chance
to let them know.

so what if they don't appreciate i?
so what if they take you for granted?

someone is important to you,
not because they appreciate you,
isn't it?

4 more papers

2008-11-02T20:20:00.003+08:00

before i make a clear clear cut.
though you never said it,
but i guess your attitude says it all:
that's what you want, right di?

a moment of peace

2008-10-29T22:40:00.001+08:00

at 11am today,
while i was cutting through lovers' park to walk back to hall,
a sudden feeling hit me.

a moment of peace.

suddenly everything was so peaceful
suddenly everything felt so peaceful

nevermind jay chou musing was blasting from my ipod
i could hear
peace.

then i realise i still haven't finish my 2500 word essay due at 6pm
sianz.

the answer

2008-10-29T00:08:00.003+08:00

i always wondered,
with so much love for them,
why does things still turn out the way it is?

so unclear,
so unsure.

stupid me.
the answer has always been in this song all along.

the answer is so simple.
thanks for this song.
it's helping me to accept,
that my time is up for many of them.

Sometimes Love Just Airt Enough - Pally S.
sometimes love just aren't enough

I dont wanna lose you,
I dont wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I dont wanna hate you
I dont wanna take you
But I dont wanna be the one to cry
That dont really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust
Theres a reason why people dont stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just aint enough

Now I could never change you
I dont wanna blame you
Baby you dont have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking somethings gonna change

But theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust
Theres a reason why people dont stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just aint enough

And theres no way home
When its late at night and youre all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart they cant touch.
Theres a reason why people dont stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just aint enough.
Baby sometimes love just aint enough.

ตัดใจ

2008-10-26T21:37:00.002+08:00

ดี๋๓คน

พี่ชาย ไม่รู้ว่าเราเป็นพี่น้องหรือเปล่า
ตั้งแต่พี่เรียกเธอว่าดี๋
จนถึงวันนี้ พี่ไม่รู้ว่าเธอก็คิดว่าอย่าง นั้น หรือเปล่า
ไม่รู้ว่าเธออยากหรือเปล่า
มีบางวัน บอกใบ้อยาก
มีบางวัน บอกใบ้ไม่อยาก

จริงฯ แล้ว
พี่แน่ใจแล้ว
หลังจากสอบo
พี่จะไป
ออกจากชีวิตของเธอ
จะคิดว่าเธอไม่อยากพี่เป็นพี่สำหรับเธอ

ดูแลตัวเอง
พี่จะตัดใจ
ใส่ในใจ

idiotic racist

2008-10-23T01:37:00.002+08:00

idiots like this make me wonder if democracy is really suitable for all. Although there is no perfect information, can you at least wake up to how idiotic your stereotypes are?

a clear contradicting message

2008-10-21T00:13:00.002+08:00

today another clear message was sent
this time it is what i hoped it had been,
but it totally contradicted with what it was given last week.

so how?

a clear message

2008-10-19T18:46:00.004+08:00

it wasn't said.
but i guess given the behaviour and attitude,
the message is pretty clear.

i've asked for a clear message.
i guess it's finally here.
though it's not an outcome i would prefer,
it beats the ambiguity.

อีก๔วัน เป็นวันจะตัดใจ

tech porn

2008-10-16T21:33:00.000+08:00

incredible:
http://www.appleinsider.com/articles/08/10/16/high_quality_unboxing_photos_late_2008_15_macbook_pro.html

whatever happened to

2008-10-12T22:38:00.002+08:00

i used to tell myself not to make this mistake - jumping to conclusions without understanding my kids' point of view. instead of scolding, reasoning would be better.

yet today i did that to the ones dearest to me, my dis.

was a total jerk to them today. i even think that one of them is "sick" to avoid me checking his work today.

i'm sorry my dis. so what if i'm doing it out of worry, out of concern. it doesn't justify or mean that i have to be a jerk like what i was.

i know you all forgive me. but i can't forgive myself.

screw you palin

2008-10-06T16:37:00.001+08:00

From CNA website
"Palin told supporters the Democrat was therefore 'not a man who sees America as you and I do, as the greatest force for good in the world.' "

screw you palin. cut out your neo-colonialism thinking.

of all people to ask that question......

2008-10-05T20:20:00.003+08:00

didn't expect it when 3 of my dis ask me yesterday "why no girlfriend?"

as i had told so many others,
it is not my priority right now.

if it happens my dis, it happens.
i have made the decision not to look,
but not to down it down if it happens.

is "spreading democracy" the new colonisation?

2008-09-26T10:56:00.003+08:00

i think so.

1) "democracy ideals is the best" vs the "colonise to civilise" mindsets
2) "help them get what they want" vs the "help them develop"

after so many years, such socio-centric thinking still exist. sigh.

one thing i must thank the current syllabus (finally, something to thank): they've removed the rostow 5 stage development model. i don't think we should educate our kids such eurocentric model either.