why it's not my priority now
my home emptied literally when i was 15. first my father left for another world, then both my brothers went to study overseas one after another. in the end, even though i would busy myself in school till evening, i would always return to a home without anyone in. mum would always work till real late, and i don't blame her for that.
that is why i can more or less understand what is like to spend most of your formative years without a fatherly / brotherly figure. looking back, perhaps that is why i'm so into my cca - it's probably my way of finding my self-worth and my way of whoring for praises. perhaps that's why i always identify this mentor and that mentor easily as a fatherly figure or a brotherly figure - perhaps that's my way of seeking attention or compensating for the lack of it.
now that big bro is still working overseas, 2nd bro is furthering his studies this year, mum busy herself with volunteer work during the weekend, i wonder what's the point of going home sometimes. travelling for 1 1/2 hour only to be alone in a bigger shell for most of the time and hardly spending any time with her. some times, i thought, might as well stay in my hall so that i don't drive up the electricity bill at home.
frankly, i'm used to it already. that's how i spent my formative years anyway.
looking at one of my di, who's father is overseas most of the time, i can't help but see some of myself then in him. the way he use certain way of speaking as a sub-conscious form of self-defence, the way he attaches himself to people who are elder than him, the way he attempts to seek attention and validation - seems like i've been there, done that too, and probably still doing that now. that is not the reason why i considered him to be my di, but the day i decided to call him my di was the day i told myself that now that i am his brother, i must be a good brotherly figure to him, so that he wouldn't need to go through as much as what i've been through.
i don't know why either, but my 5 dis and my kids' o's is one of my priorities now. that is why kak, that matter you mentioned today, is not my priority now. frankly kak, i'm used to being alone anyway.
that is why i can more or less understand what is like to spend most of your formative years without a fatherly / brotherly figure. looking back, perhaps that is why i'm so into my cca - it's probably my way of finding my self-worth and my way of whoring for praises. perhaps that's why i always identify this mentor and that mentor easily as a fatherly figure or a brotherly figure - perhaps that's my way of seeking attention or compensating for the lack of it.
now that big bro is still working overseas, 2nd bro is furthering his studies this year, mum busy herself with volunteer work during the weekend, i wonder what's the point of going home sometimes. travelling for 1 1/2 hour only to be alone in a bigger shell for most of the time and hardly spending any time with her. some times, i thought, might as well stay in my hall so that i don't drive up the electricity bill at home.
frankly, i'm used to it already. that's how i spent my formative years anyway.
looking at one of my di, who's father is overseas most of the time, i can't help but see some of myself then in him. the way he use certain way of speaking as a sub-conscious form of self-defence, the way he attaches himself to people who are elder than him, the way he attempts to seek attention and validation - seems like i've been there, done that too, and probably still doing that now. that is not the reason why i considered him to be my di, but the day i decided to call him my di was the day i told myself that now that i am his brother, i must be a good brotherly figure to him, so that he wouldn't need to go through as much as what i've been through.
i don't know why either, but my 5 dis and my kids' o's is one of my priorities now. that is why kak, that matter you mentioned today, is not my priority now. frankly kak, i'm used to being alone anyway.
posted by yanjie at
2:22 AM
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