crescent moon

chanced upon rabindranath tagore's work "crescent moon" when i was in the library today. first came across rabindranath tagore's poem "the judge" from the same work, when it was read out in yasmin ahmad's "sepet". that poem resonated with me, and this one too.

the last bargain
"Come and hire me," I cried, while in themorning.
I was walking on the stone-paved road.
Sword in hand, the King came in his chariot.
He held my hand and said, "I will hire you with my power."
But his power counted for naught, and he went away in his chariot.

In the heat of the midday the houses stood with shut doors.
I wandered along the crooked lane.
An old man came out with his bag of gold.
He pondered and said, "I wil hire you with my money."
He weighed his coins one by one, but I turned away.

It was evening. THe garden hedge was all aflower.
The fair maid came out and said, "I will hire you with a smile"
Her smile paled and melted into tears,
and she went back alone in the dark.

The sun glistened on teh sand,
and the sea waves broke waywardly.
A child sat playing with shells.
He raised his head and seemed to know me, and said,
"I hire you with nothing."

From thenceforward that bargain struck in a child's play
made me a free man.

towards the end of a student life

i think i've said this many times, and i'll say it again - i'm sick of my life in nus.

yes, i'm sick of project deadlines, writing airy-fairy research papers, mugging for exams. i'll rather have twice the amount of stress and work from teaching instead, cause i'll enjoy it.

but as the clock ticks towards the end of a student life, it becomes harder to say that. as class size get smaller, and you get to know more people and profs at a more personal level, suddenly things become more personal.

i'll miss the times where there are so many different courses out there in nus, and you can simply crash one to learn more things. i'll miss the times where i could borrow all kinds of books from the central library, especially when it is relevant for teaching.

i'll miss my friends, my honours classmates. although i'll see most of them in nie, they are the ones who make it harder to leave nus and reduce my cynicism everyday.

i'll miss some of my profs, who taught me so much about life, and are ever so generous not just in terms of money, but in terms of knowledge. like my thai tutors who always treat me as one of their own students even though i'm sitting in most of the time. among all, i'll miss prof ben the most, who taught me so much in his course, and taught me even more after his course, and taught me a lot more when i'm tutoring his course now. among all the debates and arguments we have about the education system and the philosophy of teaching, be it over tea or over gtalk. it's difficult to forget someone who has given you so much, continues to give you more all the time, and offer you to come back and talk to him whenever you learn something new, or have grouses about the system.

it is not that i'm not looking forward towards teaching. i do, and i can't wait, except for those expectations others have of me (which I have learnt to let it not affect me at all).

life goes on. what starts, will end. that's life. but before i thread on the path that i've been waiting for so long, i just wanna take a good look back on this path that is ending, and thank those who made it really special.

thank you

looking back at 2009

i didn't want to write this post initially, as i think the transition to a new year is over-hyped. it's just another day, another typical day. what's the big deal? there is no religious and cultural significance for most singaporeans. it may sound cynical but i'm not. rather, it is because i treasure every single day more so than some treasure 1 jan. and all the things about resolutions - like the comic on the papers the other day, if it is really important, why wait till the new year to start?

but then again, 1 jan is a good marker to stop and look back at what was done in between the 365.25 days. not because it is significant, but it's just convenient.

so how has the 2009 year been?

ups and downs i'll say, but that's typical of life. when there's up, there's always down. it’s also the year since my ord that i have never taught in a school.

the world started the year with the dark clouds of a global recession looming over. then obama got sworn in, which in the eyes of many, a sliver lining among the dark clouds which promises sunnier day ahead. iphone craze descended upon singapore, but i don't really care actually. not that i'm cynical but seriously, how many people who own it needs a phone with those functionality? think before you buy, don't buy it because it is "cool". i didn't jump on the mac ship just because it is cool. i did my research and considered for months before deciding that it is way better for me. unlike those idiots who jump ship just because "it is cool" without knowing what it can do and can't do, and start complaining about the little little things that mac can't do . that's always a trade off idiot.

on a personal note, the year started off weird. i embarked on a life changing journey for about 6 months. before i set off, there were much uncertainty about mae, who was diagnosed with cancer in november. things seemed hopeful, surgery has removed the tumour, she's going through follow-up chemo to make sure that there is no relapse. i went through my first winter and had my first encounter with snow, and experienced its beauty and the inconvenience that followed.

while i was adapting to the place within the first week, i woke up at 2am in the morning in anticipation for my monkids and dis o'level results. some were ideal, some not so, some did better than expected. but hey, i'm glad that in the end, practically all of them get to do the course of their choice. grades is never a measure of how good a person you are or how smart you are. grades are just the system way to decide who gets their first choice. never let your grades define you.

back to while being away, i learnt to be more independent, and thanks to kr, i become more adventurous and confident with travelling. i did solo trips, hiking and camping with the cam gang, and did things i never thought i'll try before i left. i learnt a lot, opened my eyes further, and collected loads of lesson materials.

and just when i was about to come back, all hope was lost. the chemo didn't work. in less than a week after i returned to sg, she passed on. seems like when cancer strikes those close to me, it always seem to turn better, only to take them away eventually. thanks to h1n1, i couldn't go over to see her without fearing that i might carry the disease along. thanks to reservist, i couldn't go over throughout the holidays.

since my kids have graduated in 2008, i thought i wouldn’t be doing any tutoring this year. but my doors were knocked upon and i did a few secretly.

and the sem started. it was extremely busy, but had great friends. went on 2 wonderful fieldtrips and learnt a lot as well. ca grades was the worse ever in my nus life, which despite mugging the hardest ever in my whole nus life, the results were less than ideal.

everyone starts a new year with much hope that it will be better than the previous. i say be realistic, life will always have its ups and downs. you cannot expect nothing bad to happen to you in those 365 1/4 days. it does and it will.

but it doesn't mean we should start a year being pessimistic. being realistic is not being pessimistic or cynical - it is knowing what to expect so that we wouldn't be upset when it comes. that means it keeps our optimism floating, and our hope for possibilities high in the sky.

ทรงพระเจริญ

like a round object surrounded by squarish objects

have you felt like this before?
like a round object surrounded by squares and rectangles.

the illusion that you have fitted in this group
that you're surrounded and with them all the time
but underneath this illusion,
the only bonds you have with them is superficial
it is unlike theirs where it is so tight and close
they fit each other so well
but you,
you are just someone with superficial bonds
only one small part of contact.
as much as you want the bond to be tighter,
it seems impossible

it's not like you don't have other round objects that "click" with you literally
it's just that they are not around most of the time
but when you meet, you click
but most of your other time
you're surrounded by these squares and rectangles

i used to have the illusion that i've fitted in
among this group of squares and rectangles
so when one of them is troubled,
i do what i did for those who are close to me.

then one sentence from one of them
came like a slap on the face
"you don't know me well enough
stop pretending like you do"

suddenly the illusion of fitting in is gone
and that i don't belong becomes more apparent.

i no longer know what to do
should i continue to try
and risk more slaps of "stop pretending that you know me well enough"?

but yet i'm always surrounded by them
perhaps i should just acknowledge the fact that
what i enjoy with them turns out to be an illusion
my apparent deeper bonds with them is just an illusion.

perhaps it is time to move away.

idiot

referring to self

if only i can think of a melody for this lyrics that just came to my head


花开了
你说过会回来的
那时你得离开我之前
你种下的花儿
等着你来看

花开了
你说过不是不要
那时你我拥有的幸福
你说花开之前
盼着你回来

*chorus*
是否当时你我的约定
当初说了是让我安慰
你的发 已落谢
你的脸 如白灰
这种说好的约定
是否是你我唯给彼此
回到当初的一种希望

花谢了
你我当初的约定
到你等我了