a little revamp

I've edited my wallpaper, to replace some photos, and of course, so that it will place more emphasis on my 5 dis (younger brother). Have also printed a new photo and added the thai cloth I've won from the workshop last week to my bedside in hall.

from l: lamp, a printout of my new wallpaper, my 5 bros with the chinese character "di", and my co-form class last yr

While I was editing the wallpaper, I realise I miss them a lot.

It has been 2 weeks. Life here has gotten very boring. True, I'm less tired. But I find myself more zombified. True, I don't need to deal with office politics,(ok, there are some politics in hall). True, I don't need to travel up and down, rush to lectures, etc.

But it is just plain boring without them.

I miss them a lot. I miss how I look forward to enter their class. I miss the joy of seeing them understanding something. I miss their laughter, their crap, their cheekiness. I miss the times where we have recess together.

This stint was a lot more roller-coastery. I'm not a temporary replacement for their perm teacher - I'm in charge of them. Hence, I've tried a lot more things, implemented a lot more things, without needing to worry how they transit back after I leave, like last year. Pushed them harder, but I got closer to them.

The few who were closer to me since last year, especially the one who I fought for last year, have become so much closer, to the point that I've started to worry for them and love them like they are my own younger brothers. It was tough that I have to maintain my profesisonalism in class, bearing the pain of punishing them when they get into trouble with me. But i'm glad that they understood and is sensible enough, that I'm their teacher in class, brother outside of it.

I came back this year to seek closure. But when it was time to close, it was way harder than I thought it would be. Kak Z told me, in every teachers' career, there will be a "special batch". Most of the time, this "special batch" would be the one you see to graduation, and they will be the ones who continue to inspire and motivate you for many years to come.

I've found my special batch. It's them. Unfortunately, I can't see them to their O's. It's better that I don't. I'm not half as experienced as any of the other perm teachers in school. They are a lot more caring, a lot more inspiring, and care a lot more. These are the kind of teachers they need, not me. I would love to see them through their next stage of life. Unfortunately, most likely, I'll be on exchange when they get back their O's results. Sigh.

There are much opportunities for me to go back next year. After all, they are severely shorthanded. But I doubt I can find the energy to do what I did when I'm no longer taking my special batch. Collegues after collegues leave, my closer bosses are leaving next year too. Is there any point in going back anymore, other than the few collegues and kaks left behind? Things would be a lot more different. Even if I were to go back, I doubt I would be given the same amount of trust as well.

I have made up my mind, and there are only 2 things that will make me return to this school to be their staff once more. One, my return has DIRECT benefits to my special batch. As for the second one, I can't reveal it here, but it has got to do with my special batch as well.

The Calvin and Hobbes applicaiton on my facebook showed this quote " If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care nothing matters so you are never upset.". It reminds me a lot about what Kak K told me - don't get emotionally affected, or you'll be disappointed.

But I guess Calvin forgot that, despite all the disappointment, the joyful times makes it all worth it. If you don't care, nothing matters, and you wouldn't get the joy either. I'll just work on not letting myself feel disappointment instead.

My special batch, yes, the last lap, have brought me a lot of disappointment. But that doesn't change how I feel about you all, nor does it make me forget all the joyous times we have. My only regret is that I didn't benefit you guys much.

Go as far as you can in life, because you can go far. I know many of you wouldn't remember or think of me, but it doesn't matter to me. I didn't teach to be remembered. All I want, is that if I ever bump into you in the future, you are doing what you want to do, leading a happy successful life. Yes, I will continue to think of you and miss you all for a long time to come.

My dis, one of you asked me why I didn't include x or y or z as my di as well. I can't answer this question, cause I don't know the answer. But I will continue to be your older brother, for as long as you see me as one.