no longer

re-read my old entries, that were written last year around the same time.
seems like it is the same thing over and over again.

i'm not pushing the 3 of them away.

they are still my di.
but instead actively asking them,
i've decided to be passive.

it's been more than a year since i consider 5 of them as my di.
only 2 has been clear so far, that i'm a brother to them.

but the other 3,
it's been more than 1 year
and it hasn't been clear.
one moment i'm really sure they don't want me to be around,
another moment they seem like they want it.
doesn't help when my friends think that
they want me to be around.

why is it that what you tell me,
contradicts what i see?
you tell me they express it in another manner,
or have problems expressing it.
but tell me:
is not replying my questions considered as wanting me to be around?
is actively moving away from me if i were to change my seat considered as wanting me to be around?
is actively moving away from me if i were to go from person to person considered as wanting me to be around?
even someone who saw the photos say so
"he wants to escape from you"

so tell me.
i have believed what some of you said for 1 year.
yet i still see contradictions,
and wondered if you're really right when i see things that tally with what you said.

i don't want to guess anymore.
i will no longer take the active role.
i will not longer initiate any conversation or any sms.
i will no longer ask them to "take care" or "all the best"
neither will i update them on anything.
like me going for exchange.

i no longer know if they want me to care.
i no longer know if they want to know about what's going on with me.
in fact, i never knew.

but i will still be there for them when they want it.
they are my dis after all.