it was too close...but yet far.

thanks suff, eng tat and aiping. though it's not really what i had in mind, but those lines were acted very well. It's heartwrenching enough when the lines meant a lot to me, and to add those emotions that you all have showed, it just resonated hard enough for me to tear.

to see it on stage, is a blessing to me already.
but to see it on stage that was made possible by people you are pretty close to, it's a lot more than what I could ask for.

Thanks for making my little tribute possible, despite your very very very busy schedules. As promised, I will explain the whole story and significance to you all.

"when I saw her laying on the bed,
fragile as a child.
felt as though an angel has taken flight
i held her as i cried.

you can fly so high,
keep your gaze upon the sky
i'll be praying every step along the way
even though, it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you, too much to make you stay.
baby, fly away"

- corrinne may, "fly away"

It's going to be year 7 soon.

.

there is one thing about myself that I hate most - my inability to engage people in a proper conversation. My expression of concern to my friends and kids is limited to "how are you?" If their reply is less than 1 sentence, chances are I don't know how to continue the sentence.

What makes myself sick of myself more is that, I have to talk about work to get the conversation going. Like "how's this project coming along?", or "have you done your video yet" etc. But beyond "how are you?", it seems like I do not know how else to show concern or to find out how my friends are doing. I'm not someone who is able to rattle off words or think of a topic to talk about immediately.

What's worse is that I hold back even asking this question, to people who are my superiors. People like my superiors in hall, my lecturers etc. There are times I wish I could give them a pat on their back when they are down. But something is always holding me back - the fear that it might be inteprated as boot-licking. That's why i prefer leaving comments in their blog anoymously - words of concern wouldn't be tied to what I am and get misinterprated.

You suck man, yanjie.

be-twitch

My left eye has been twitching like crazy since 4 days ago. At first I thought that my left eye was tired, but that doesn't seem to be the case. People in the block suggested that it means that someone is thinking of you, and that if the right eye twitch, something bad is gonna happen, or was it the other way round that the other person suggested?

Anyway, something must be really wrong. My eye never twtiched before in my life, and when it did came, it didn't leave....yet (hopefully).

"Filmmaking to me have always been like being in a love relationship, you go through a series of intense experience, you laugh, you cry, you empathize with each other and when the film is finally done, you feel a sense of relief concocted with melancholy. The film is done, the love relationship is over. We started to reminisce, to hold on to what was left. Something stops and starts."

--- Royston Tan (stolen from his blog)

sounds exactly what happened to us for production.

vincent

V I N C E N T - Don McLean

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...
=====================


Vincent is lucky. At least there is one person who understands.

Then again, why should I complain when I'm the one who choose to close up?

moving words

Other than song lyrics, I'm rarely moved by words, much lest poetry. Only 2 kinds of words can move my heart - those that were writtern from the heart and those that resonated with my heart.

I thought my cure to stop missing those kids for today would be reading the little notes they wrote before I left. It turn out to make the situation worse......espicially when there are words written from their heart.

The only poem that has moved me by far, as it resonated with my heart.


THE JUDGE by Rabindranath Tagore

Say of him what you please,

but I know my child's failings

I do not love him because he is good

but because he is my little child

How shouldyou know how dear he can be

when you try to weigh his merits against his faults?

When I must punish him

he becomes all the more a part of my being

When i cause his tears to come,

my heart weeps with him

i alone have a right to blame and punish,

For only he may chastise who loves

---------------------------------------

What have I done to deserve such wonderful kids? They are more than anything I could ever asked for.

Since when did it become mutally exclusive?

Was re-reading last week's Sunday Time's article " 'Ah Huay' MP on her Hokkien humour". It talked about MP Lee Bee Wah's use of Hokkien in Parliment that stirred some commotions, just because she used the word "pang sai" (to shit)

But that didn't matter to me. What made me scratch my head was the 3rd last paragraph that reads

" Perhaps, a new 'grasroots' MP in the making?

Thus far, none of the rookies has taken up the mantle of PAP MPs such as the likes of Mr Ong Ah Heng of Nee Soon Central - better known for their EASY CONNECTION with WORKING-CLASS SINGAPOREANS than their TECHNOCRATIC MASTERY of POLICY ISSUES"

I'm puzzled.

Since when did being able to connect with the working class became a mutally exclusive ability with making policies? Shouldn't the ones who make policies, decide the fate of the country, decide how resources should use be able to connect with the masses? If they can't, how are they going to understand the problems, the mindset fully? Is that the reason, backed by the "mee siam" blunder, and the apperent apperance only once every 5 years, that some Singaporeans think that our leaders lack connection with the masses, and not know how the masses think?

How many times have we heard rumours or stories surfacing every now and then, that the "Meet the People session", which was implemented so that MPs could know the situation their constituents are in better, have been "outsourced" to the secretaries or other staffs, as certain MPs are too busy with policy matters?

------------------------------------------------------------------

Chanced upon this book in the library yesterday, "What the Chinese don't eat". It's a compilation of the column of Xinran, a ex-Chinese broadcaster who moved to UK to teach Chinese Culture, and wrote a column for Guardian. I came across an interesting article. She mentioned that she interviewed some villagers, and ask them their opinion on Democracy (Min Zhu) and Freedom (Zhi You). Their response was "What Pig (Zhu) what Oil (you)? Where can it be bought?"

In the same article, she also mentioned how the villagers mentioned Mao Zedong frequently, on how he's still revered among the villagers, because he's the only leader by far, that truely cared about their plight and implemented policies to help them. It was further manifested at a demonstration against some acquisation of farmland, where the villagers held potraits of Mao screaming " It wouldn't happened if Mao was still around!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
My mum and aunts would always break into cold sweat when elections are around. They would always wonder if PAP would win enough votes, and blame Singaporeans for not looking pass the oppositions "short-sighted" views. Mind you that most of them are professionals.

I always remembered them telling me, that without the first generation of PAP leaders, they would still be some kampong girls feeding chicken, hoping that one of the eggs would crack so that it can't be sold and be used to supplment their meals. Or our toys would be like those during their time - discarded crab pincers.

They have never complained that the PAP was too strict or didn't develop the arts, while focusing on economic growth. To them, arts has always been around - in the form of wayang and street opera. To them, arts is in a decline now, not growing.

Outsides always like to say that PAP was too heavy handed, that we weren't given enough democracy and freedom then. But if your stomach isn't full, what is democracy and freedom to you?

don't care

mel ask me if skss needs a relief teacher for this and that subject, as one of the guys in her block "needs a job during the holidays badly"

I asked how much is he into teaching. She said she don't know.

and I told her "If he can't be bothered about the students, even if he is starving on the street, I wouldn't even ask him if I know that the school needs 10 relief teachers."

Maybe I should clarify some of the terms I used. When I said "bothered about the students", I don't mean expecting the relief teacher to like go to the ends of the world to help the student. I meant the very very very basic of what every teachers should do in a classroom - bother to manage the class, bother to listen to feedback about the volume of your voice, bother to ensure that your students understand your explaination, and most importantly, bother to prepare for the lesson and teach.

I have met and heard of more cases of relief teachers who can't be bothered as compared to those who do their job. It seems like I hear about the extremes - either those who really bother and do their job very very well or those who can't be bothered and don't even do their job properly, but rarely, the middle ground.

Those who can't be bothered, are the ones I'm most irritated with. They take relief teaching as a job for "easy money", but don't even bother to teach properly. Classic specimens of this species are
1) come-in-sit-down-do-your-own-thing-although-i'm-told-to-cover-some-topics
2) i-explain-to-myself-and-front-row-only-what?-cannot-hear?-that-is-your-problem

These people have no idea how destructive their actions(or inactions) can be.

Before I reliefed last year, as I had a lot of free time (was clearing leave in camp) but yet still can't work (haven't finish NS yet), I asked to sit in G's (whom I was suppose to take over from) lesson so that I can have a feel of the class dynamics and to learn form G. You could see that, for most of the students, although they are not very passionate about the subject, you could tell that they have interest to learn more about it.

That was G's last day. Another relief teacher took over for 2 weeks, before I end my NS and could work. When I entered the same classes on my first day, I was shocked. I no longer see students who are eager to learn more, but jaded and upset students. They all have the same complaint, regardless of level or stream, that the teacher, despite given feedback that she was too soft and fast, couldn't be bothered about them. They tried to learn on their own, but the lack of explaination and not knowing who they can ask made them felt very helpless, to the point of giving up.

-------------------------------------------------

When I was reliefing with KR last year, despite his lack of knowledge in geography(the last time he touched geog was sec 2), he tried very hard to catch up so that he could teach effectively. I remember how he managed to arouse the interest of the students. He would always be busy right after school - there will always be students asking him about geography.

Then 2 months later, he has to go for his 2 weeks induction programme. Another person took over. At the end of his 2 weeks was the end of my term there as well. Then he had a major fever, and I tooked over his duties for 1 day.

I was shocked by what I saw. The students, they seemed so jaded about the subject.

-------------------------------------------------
You see, you might be a relief teacher for 1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month or longer. But that is enough for you to destroy everything your predecessor has done - the interest the child has in the subject, their morale and their drive. All for the "easy money?" It's like you are constructing a building, and while you were away, the person who took over destroyed everything you have painstakingly built. Imagine the amount of effort wasted trying to rebuild everything, within a shorter period of time.

You might say, everyone has their limits. True, I agree. I didn't say teaching is a job for everyone in the first place. No one is born as a wonderful teacher from day one. I had to learn on the job as well to find my style and formula. But if those are your limitations that would affect the students' learning, there are ways to over come them. The question is whether you bother to or not. I'm sure anyone from my generation could attest to seeing at least one teacher in their school using microphones, as their voices are too soft, so that everyone in the class could hear him or her.

I had horrible handwriting and bad whiteboard management, that was quite difficult for the students to take notes. I have always wanted to use slides, as they are my most comfortable medium. However, the laptop that was meant for my use is locked to the table, and I don't have the key. In the end, I had to overcome this problem by booking rooms with computer attached to the projector.

KR never took o level geography. But he spend lots of time to learn more about the subject, to borrow a level text from libraries just so that he would have enough depth to teach sec 3 electives students.

--------------------------------------------------------------

My main point is this : if you do not bother doing your relief teaching job properly, I can't be bothered about finding a post for you. Even if you need the job desperately, even if you are like going to die if you don't get a job soon, as long as you can't be bothered to relief teach properly, I can't be bothered asking you either, even if let say, some one asked if I can find 10 relief teachers as they are desperately needed by the school.

You might be perplexed, that I have the concious to see someone die like that when I could help.

I'm equally perplexed that the this person have the concious to leave at least 4 classes of 40 students to die and killed their interest when all he needs is to pump in a little more effort to prevent it.
I'm equally perplexed that the same person have the concious to take the money that he doesn't really worked for.
I'm equally perplexed that the same person have resulted in those around him taking a much higher workload, because he "can't be bothered".
I'm equally perplexed that they have the concious to destroy what others have worked so hard to build.

no, it doesn't hurt at all

Ever had a deep cut before?

I had one 5 years ago. If i were to bring it up how the cut came about, it will always make me tear.

It has long recovered and what's left is a scar. Yes, what's left is a reminder of what I could take away from it.

----------------------------
Was playing around with the idea of writing about this cut into a play. The next day, i received an email from Anuja, saying that scripts are needed for "collaboration". So happen that they want to scripts that talks about family, instead of BGR. So happen that they have gotten Ai Ping, who would play a good child, and Eng Tat, who would play a fierce father well.

====================
Anuja asked me if the script was closed to my heart. I showed her the scar. For the first time, I didn't tear.

perhaps it went deep enough to touch the raw nerve this time.

No, I don't mean a physical cut.

Is it just me?

Saw this on ST Forum.

Attract more to teaching jobs with better benefits(as copied from Piper's blog. I'm too lazy to type)
WITH the recent articles on health-care spending and making health care more affordable, I am reminded of my own health-care spending.

As a mother of three young children below the age of seven, I frequently have to visit the nearest GP clinic whenever one of them falls sick, which is quite common among children of their age.

Polyclinics are never as convenient and time-saving as the nearby GP clinic, especially when you have to carry a sick child and rush to work.

I quit my private-sector job and joined the civil service as a teacher recently. I am disappointed that I can claim up to only $350 a year in medical claims for visits to private clinics. This includes dependants and $50 for dental claims.

I wonder how this benefit will help me effectively as a mother of not one but three young children - not forgetting the rising cost of health care.

What the private sector can do in benefits schemes, I am sure the public sector can do likewise to catch up.

If the Ministry of Education wants to attract more mid-career entrants into teaching, this can be one area of improvement, besides adjusting salaries. For that matter, my salary is less than half of what I was paid in the private sector.

Lynn Chong Fui Lian (Ms)


I may be wrong, it might be just me. But this letter makes me boil, as it sounds like "hey! I thought teaching got quite a few benefits one, then I switch ok? How come so little compared to what I had previously? Like that how to attract people?" kind of letter to me.

As Piper, Singapore-teacher, and a few teacher bloggers have pointed out - the amount of pay a teacher receive is not really enough compared to the amount of work a teacher has to do, and the number of hours they spent on it. As Mrs Chua pointed out, teaching is a "people-intensive" career.

If it takes money to make a person switch their career to teaching rather than their passion or interest, then I guess we are better off not having such people in the service.

If it takes money to make it easier for a person to switch to teaching as it's their passion all along, I think it's justifiable.

But the way Ms Lynn Chong put it, it sounds more like the former to me. If you want to switch to serve your passion, knowingly that your pay would be lesser, why are you complaining about the choice you have made?

If your point is just that teachers deserve better benefits that is comparible to the private sector, which I agree to a certain extent, why bring dig up the "sacrifices" you made, when it was you who made the choice?

Then again, it might be just me who interprated it like this.

Lower-ranked JC?

I thought MOE has done away with ranking eons ago (ok, a few years ago) Hence, I was a little uncomfortable when I saw the headlines on yesterday's ST spelling "Lower ranked JCs......." It made my stomach churn when the usual suspects, who, just because take in students with the max L1R5 of 20, are labelled as the "lower ranked JCs". It made me even more upset that they dare to classify my alma mater,PJC as a "lower-ranked JC".

Lower-ranked. In what sense? Just because majority of our students do not put us as the first choice? Just because we do not produce truckloads of people with A's and S paper Distinctions? What are you exactly implying when you lable us as "lower-ranked?"

Our teachers are top grade. Not just in PJC. My other friends from the other "lower-ranked JCs" have commented that they had wonderful teachers as well. Ok, not all are good. But are you telling me that it doesn't occur in the "higher-ranked JCs" as well?

Find me a "higher-ranked JC" that allows me to take the combination I took, of Physics, Chemistry, Geography and Maths. Heck, now it is possible as it is compulsory for students in JC to take a cross faculty subject.

Find me a teacher, in those "higher-ranked JC", who is willing to give a student that he barely knew extra lessons, so that he can take the combi he wanted when the timetable doesn't allow him to do so, without missing out on lessons just because the time table clashes. Without what Mr Chia CK, I doubt I'm able to have Geography as my CS1 now, and having such a great time in NUS.

Find me a teacher, in those "higher-ranked JC", who is always online, always ready to give us advice online, always joins us for meals, to connect, to find out how we are, who holds no barriers between us and him, like Mr David Chia.

Find me JC, among those "higher-ranked JC", who constantly keeps a lookout for the mental and emotional well-being of the students nearing the exams, who constantly encourage the students despite the sucky grades they produce during common tests and exams.

Yes, we may not have the best facilities, may not have bucketloads of money to loads of stuff. But my education in PJC is not any lesser as compared to those "higher-ranked JC". In fact, I wouldn't be what I am today, without PJC. As a few of the teachers, who were part of the exodus that migrated from HCJC to PJC when PJC started, put it the best " I have taught more by being in PJC for 1 year than I was in HCJC for 4 years"

However, I think that the headlines of ST reflects what the society is like : We always compare, hence rank and label, so that we can "pick the best", like picking apples or poking fishes in the market. Even though the system has done away with the labelling, the society still wants to.

It goes back to the age-old question about streaming. Is the society who labelled the students to be "stupid" and "lousy" that damaged their self-esteem, or was it the system? Was the system simply a mechanism that separated the students into groups, that wouldn't have any effect on the students, until society pasted labels on them?

I would say society. Some might argue that teachers are the ones who label the students. True. But when teachers label these students, they do so because their actions is based on social norms, rather than the system's norms. They are part of society after all. Unless of course, there's a MOE circular asking teachers to do so.

menghitung hari

Currently digging this Indonesian / Malay Song. Can't find the meaning of this song, but oh well. To paraphrase from "Sepet", you don't need to understand it to fall in love with it.

I thought I'm no longer affected by post-production syndrome. But after making the video and seeing it, it all came back to me. Glad that many of the productioners felt the same way, that it brought back much memories.

Darn, now I have deadlines to cleaer, post-production syndrome, anticipatioin plus worrying about the kids. Sigh. I have to learn to let go. After all, attachment is the root of all sufferings.