walking out

I have this system with my kids. Everytime I have to pause to wait for the class to quieten down or anyone to pay attention, I will put a stroke on the whiteboard. Once it hits 5 storkes, I will walk out of the class. Whatever I'm suppose to cover for that lesson, I will leave it to them to discover on their own, and for the next lesson, I will just start on what I'm suppose to teach in the next lesson.

It has been quite effective. They tend to take it for granted during the first 2 strokes, but when the 3rd and 4th stroke is drawn, they will try to maintain their silence as much as possible.

Today, they were making so much noise, blatantly sleeping and refuse to pay attention. Finally, they hit the 5th stroke, and I stopped what I was saying and walked out. It would have been a lot more impactful if I take my stuff and walk out, but unfortunately, I have to keep my laptop first. That took an extra 2 mins. However, there was dead silence when I was packing.

It sucks. The feeling sucks. The class chairperson came after me, in tears, asking me to give the class another chance. It made the feeling sucks even more. It pains to see that it is the attentive student who is affected by my punishment to the class. I wondered if the inattentive ones know their mistake and make ammendments?

I remember episodes from "Supernanny", where some parents struggled in the beginning, to the point of tears, in the earlier stages of enforcing the new punishments and rules. However, Supper Nanny would always remind them that it is neccessary for the child to grow up being kids with character.

I made that mistake last year - not carrying out and enforcing my rules and consequences well enogh, resulting in them not learning. If I don't harden my heart and carry out the punishment when needed, damn me for making the same mistakes this year.

I hope those who were in their slumber would wake up. Then the tears of their chairperson would be worth it.

But my heart has yet to be hardened well enough for me not to be affected by it.

J

"When I must punish him,
he becomes all the more a part of my being"
- The Judge by Rabindranath Tagore.

I finally knew what these mean when I had to punish J, the apple of my eye today.
I finally understood how Mdm Wong must have felt 8 years ago, when I was punished.

But his maturity, understanding,
and humbleness to this matter,
and willingness to make amends,
convince me why he's still the apple of my eye,
and like a younger brother to me which I never had.

Hell Girl

I've been rather selective with what TV and Anime series that I choose to watch since I entered Uni, as they can get rather addictive and I end up wasting time chasing after episodes after episodes. This explain why I'm very unwilling to start watching Prison Break, Lost, and Heroes, as following after Desperate Housewives is time wasting enough already.

As for anime, I've stopped watching Bleach for the time being due to its excessive fillers. However, I'm hooked on Hell Girl lately. Well, it's something nice to watch while ironing anyway.



Anyway, Hell Girl (the title character) is basically a Girl from Hell (Duh) who exact vengence for you. To use her service, access the hell website at midnight (only accessible at midnight) and key in the name of the person you wish her to issue vengence on. She will appear before you and give u a straw doll, with a red string around the neck. If you choose to exact revenge on that person, pull the red string, and she and her assistance will give the person hell and bring him/her to hell (literally) immediately. However, for using this service, you will be sent to hell as well after you die. Your chest will have a hole as a mark of the contract.

Each episodes explores the client and what caused the client to want to exact revenge on someone, to the point that they are willing to go to hell for it. It seems like Hell Girl will not suka-suka take revenge for you - if you simply want to kill that person for no reason, she will not appear before you to give you the straw doll. As each episode progresses, we begin to understand why people are willing to go to hell to take revenge - a girl who has been stalked to the point that her stalker attacked her father, a young girl who has been backstabbed and ostracised by her best friend, a young girl (again) wanting to stop her mother from being bullied by her neighbour, a man whose wife has been raped and murdered by his best friend, an orphan whose only family member left, a dog, died simply because the vet chose to gossip rather than save the dog etc.

This thought struck me - these people are in trouble, and those being revenged upon deserve to go to hell. Why should the victims be punished to hell as well?

Well, to put it in Buddhist logic, if you are being harmed by someone, it is simply becuase you've harmed that person in your previous life. Because he has harmed you in this life, you will end up harming him in your next life - and the karma cycle goes on. Exacting vengence by taking someone's life, regardless of the motivation, is still taking someone's life, and has much consequences to your karma and merits.

The only way to end this cycle, is love and forgiveness, where one decides to forgive and forget, and give up the desire to strike back. Only this way can this cycle of suffering break.
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To my friend, who has been two-faced by that person recently, who suffered the same injury as I did last year - I say forget it. "Let the evil punish themselves", says the late Princess Mother of Thailand. There is no need to dig out anything - he will suffer from all the evils he has done eventually. Everyone has their peak and their falls - just because he's at his peak now doesn't mean he wouldn't fall. I doubt he will fall if you dig out anything now - but when he falls, he will fall real hard, and it's because of his own actions. Let him punish himself.

And he's standing on the peak now simply because of all the dirt he has swept under the carpet. It will only collapse one day for him to be hurt real hard.

Those who did evil on others, will suffer from it eventually. Probably we're simply paying back for some sins we've done upon him in our previous lifes. And the way to end this cycle, is simply for us to forgive. Though I have yet to forgive him for what he has done to my kid, I'm still restraining myself from trying to create his fall.

I hope you stay. If not, there will be one less person to protect them, fight for them and cushion them from his evils. He has already affected so many of them, if you don't stay to cushion more in the future, how are they going to go on?


""O Pitiful shadow cloaked in darkness.Thy actions cause men pain and suffering. Thy hollow soul drowns in thy sins. Would you like to see what death is like?"" - Hell Girl before she takes anyone to hell

say properly lah!

Me: Hey J, why is your head shaved?
Student J: oh something happened.
Me: What happened? Forced to or you want to?
Student J: Oh I want to.
Me: Why?
Student: Cancer.
Me: (Shocked) When?
Student: A few weeks ago, the cancer foundation thing where you shave your head to raise funds and awareness for cancer research.......

resolution

what right do I have to encourage my kids to overcome their fears when I can't overcome mine?

this is the perfect opportunity. Time to overcome that consciousness and insecurity I have on stage.

dismal and smiles, all in one day

student g is one of the students whom I'm more familiar with. We always "out-lame" each other, much to the expense of those around us.He has a tendancy to try to see if he's out grown me, even though he's the tallest among his friend (He's still 5-10 cm away. I'm taller. Bleh) Behind this joker confident facade is a student who tries hard, but is really insecure of himself.

Just today, he promised to hand up his work right after his extra lesson. After waiting for an hour and a half after his lesson ended, he still did not show up. I was kinda dissapointed that he "pang-seh" me, as he promised me to be more responsible in his actions just last month.

An hour later, I recieved an SMS.

"eh mr *, I g hor. I forget to put the compre ex in ur pigeonhold. Cos juz nw after training veri late le then forget to put" (It was 7.30pm already by the way)

I smiled. He has become more responsiblel, just like he promised he will be. At least he bother to look for my number (i've never given him my number) to explain to me. I replied:

"!@£$!@$!@£ you! make me upset and happy within such a short time! make sure you remember tomorrow!"

My joy, my inspiration, my motivation. How not to enjoy every moment of it?

Yes, I may have many more years to teach, but I have only this year to teach this bunch of kids, who will continue to have a special place in my heart, and continue to inspire and motivate me for many years to come.

-------------------------------------------

received a call today, from a secondary school in the north, asking if I'm interested to relief for them for the rest of this term. I clarified what subject am I required to teach: geography. Is the manpower situation for geography that bad?

Anyway, after I've put down the phone, I joked to my coordinator that "tomorrow is my last day. I got an offer, and I'm going over next week". She nearly lost her breath before I told her I was joking.

Well, soon, we ganged up and did that to our HOD. The joys of being a relief.

my heart sank and flew

the strange thing about teaching: it can break your heart, and it can lift it up to the heavens, within a day.

Student X stomped out of the Principle's office today, shouting "you don't need to expel me. I will kick myself out of the school!" And he walked out of the general office. As my table is just next to the general office, that very scene made my heart sank. P have talked about the possiblity of expelling this student of mine, whom i've never met last week. A few teachers and I were looking for avenues which we could reach out to him. It turned out to be too late.

Yet, half an hour later, he came back to school, with his dyed hair gone. VP spoke to him, and I caught up with him just as he was about to leave the general office. I introduced myself, and told him I'll want him to set target for his common test, just like his classmates. He considered, asked me questions, and decided to aim for a C5 first.

i thought there was hope. His form teacher was skeptical. "He may be at your lesson later, but whether he pay attention or not, it's another story."

As I step into the class, the glimmer of hope I have was lost. He's not in class. Yet,15 minutes, he rushed in apologising. He gave his fullest attention, and handed up a work which is of pretty good quality.

This was when my heart flew to the heavens.

I hope he continues to be like this. I guess he has wasted enough years. Hope he's finally woken up.

And I'm hoping that his form teacher speak to him properly before issuing the punishments for him skipping lessons during the past week. True, he has to be responsible for the mistakes he has created.

But the purpose of punishment, is to correct the child's behaviour, right? If the child is correcting his behaviour now by attending school, what's the purpose of issuing the punishment now when the lesson has been learnt then? If you want the child to learn about the consequences, please talk to him properly before he feels that he's punished for putting in effort.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

GST hike

Funniest take on GST hike I've ever seen:

"My 2.14*cents worth"

*with effect of 1 July 2007, inclusive of 7% GST

Timetable's out

"When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realise his dream"
- "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho

Modules Timetable's out. So far so good. All the modules I wish to do fit it perfectly with the current time table, except for one lecture. Heck, I even have a free day. Currently finding out if that lecture which clashes is web-casted.

Suddenly, it felt like the universe has conspired for me to pursue my dream of seeing the kids through their End of Year. I hope it will come through, so that I can have a proper closure.

So that by then, these kites know how to ride the wind, without depending too much on those who're pulling their strings.
So that by then, they will be strong enough to handle whatever comes to them in Sec 4.

They're making progress.
They're putting in effort.
They've been such a dear.
How can I leave them hanging now?
They're trying so hard to catch up what they've missed to play last semester.
They're morale is recovering.

How is it better for my studies
if I were to be at NUS 24 hours a day,
while worrying for 24 hours a day about them?
I left last year at ease,
knowing that they're returning to better hands.

But if I were to leave now,
what hands will be holding them?
The good and better hands are filled to the brim,
what kind of hands will come in once more?
Will it be a repeat of last semester?
And once again, the guilt of "if only..." clings on?

Please let me do it
I know it will be a bit of a strain physically
but my heart can't take the strain of guilt.
Just this once, to prop them up and get them ready
So that they'll be ready enough to stand on their own 2 feets

Then I can leave my heart at ease.


' "My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer." the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second o the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."'
- "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho

cleaning out

3/4 of my desktop was clustered with icons and files. Thought that it didn't matter because

a) My desktop is filled with opened windows and applications while working.
b) Dual-display ability of my Mackie basically means that what is projected on the screen is just the wall paper and whatver things I choose to show through the projector.

Hence, I'm saved from embarassement. However, I begin to fill that it's icky to have such a messy desktop.

Finally, felt so much better after clearing it up. Somehow, it feels good and newer. And it helps that I get to see my mantra clearly now.