regrets and exams

exams will start tomorrow for the kids. so much talk among themselves about the possiblity of being retained, scared of being retained, etc. Haven't we been nagging at you since the end of term 3, that you wouldn't have enough time if you don't start revision at least 1 week before exam?

There are those who still do not have the complete set of notes, which they prefer to rely on rather than the textbook. Ask why their file is not ready, the reply goes "I've already filed whatever I have." I retorted " you mean you can't be bothered to check with your friends what notes you have missing and photocopy it?" Cue guilty faces. One week later, the file still aren't ready.

I've decided not to focus my energy on them. There is nothing I can do if their stuff is not ready. It's like throwing all my efforts into a pit. I'll rather give all my love and effort to those who want to do well. I'm mentally prepared that some of them will blame me for sending them out of class this term, i.e. blacklisted, as an excuse for not doing well, without explaining why they have been sent out in the first place. I've already done what I can do for them - nag at them, get their friends to talk to them about their files, counsel them, wait for them, give them chances. I refrained from calling their parents, as I know it will just make them even more negative. Surely, some parents will blame it on me for not informing them.

But I did what I think is best for them already. It's up to them.


Anyhow, I've learnt not to be affected by it. I'll give them my fullest effort to help them once they are ready. If they are not, my efforts wouldn't help them. I'll rather focus it on those who wants to be helped.

Digging your own grave

Dear Junta of Burma,

You no longer need protests to bring down your government. Attacking the Sangha community is enough to worsen your already bad karma, to the point that your own deeds, will bring yourself down as a effect.

Good luck in digging your own grave.

A break from movie desert

The last time I've watched a movie was.....................see, i can't even remember when was the last time I watched a movie.

Anyway, I've decided to catch a movie today - alone. It seems like I'm always cursed with watching movies. When people ask me, I can't make it. When I ask people, they have watched it. During my JC days, Cedric and I are always the last among our friends to catch "The Matrix". Not just Matrix 2. Matrix 3 as well. In the end, it's just the both of us watching it. We would always feel awkward as people always give us the "are they homosexuals" stare.

Anyway, I was deciding between catching 881 and Ratatoulle (i'm too lazy to check up the spelling). Settled on 881 as I don't think I'll be able to watch it in its full Hokkien glory if it is shown on TV. Besides, it has been out for more than a month - someone's gonna yank it out of the theatres real soon.

Settled on watching it in AMK Hub. Love the cinema there. Comfortable seat, great leg room, and the slope is steep enough that I don't have to crouch down so that I wouldn't be blocking the person behind me. Great sound system as well. How in the world is Eng Wah @ Jubilee gonna compete?

Anyway, I think it is a great movie to watch. I love Royston Tan's trademark cinematography, and the visual metaphors used, especially the first scene. Lots of plot loopholes, but it's a nice film to sit back, relax, and enjoy. A little cheesy though.

Though some people wonder about its out-of-logic fantasy/magic/wuxia/mythical elements, I don't think it is out of place in anyway. Getai - is a fantasy land. Each singer, with their own lavish and garish costumes, transform and bring their audiences to a magical world of the story in their song.

finally

finally, the mid sem break is here. I'm in such a need of a break from NUS. Now I understand what one senior meant, that we should go on exchange as "by year 2, you will be sick of the schedule in NUS". How true. I don't think my relief teaching is affecting my morale. Rather, I find the lessons less interesting lately. It doesn't wow or open my mind like some modules which I've done previously. Perhaps there are only these few school of thoughts at looking things, i.e. Marxist kind of thinking, cultural turn, etc.

My last day has yet to be set. Guess we are all too busy preparing the students for exams to consider. Everytime my thinking goes wild, I end up thinking what am I going to say during my last lesson, how should I leave. Should I inform them that I'm leaving only on the week itself, one lesson before my last lesson, at the start of my last lesson, at the end of my last lesson, or just disappear?

Ironically, I came back to find proper closure with them. Yet, I'm having so much trouble closing it properly.

Kak X is right. The first batch that you see to graduation will always be the most special batch to you. Though I don't get to see them to their graduation, though it's quite unlikely I wouldn't be in S'pore when they get their O level results, they are special to me. They are, my first batch.

Goodbye Halcyon Days

I've popped the question today to my boss about my last day.

It has yet to be set. It's more of up to me than up to her. But no matter what, the maximum length I can stay, is just another month.

Today, the JCRC of my hall had their handover. Looking at how people step down and expressed their gratitude, it made me wonder over and over again - how am I going to say goodbye?

Goodbye Halcyon days.

the end and thinking

finally, the event has ended.

Here are some quotes that made me think, and I'm still thinking about it.

"Make sure you have a life outside school"
- a senior teacher to roamer

"I'm your mother. I have to do what it takes to correct you, even if it makes you hate me"
- from the trailer of "Self-Medicated"

I have yet to set my last day. One part of me wants to see them to the end of the term, the other part of me wondered if I can cope, especially with mounting project deadlines.

I'm still thinking how to say goodbye.

maturing

it is really a joy to see how students grow.

Just yesterday, I had a conversation with a student of mine. I've realised how much he has matured this year. The way he carries himself, the things he talk about, he has grown rom a happy-go-lucky boy who couldn't be bothered about much things, to a mature-young man.

That is why it is increasingly difficult for me to considerl some of my kids as kids - they have matured so much, it felt like they are more like my younger sibilings.

It is getting harder to say goodbye.

emotional constipation

Our social norms seems to be rather restrictive, to the point that I feel rather emotional constipated. Not just me, it seem like one of my kid as well.

Was reading his blog entry, in which he gave a tribute to his older brother who will be leaving for an overseas attachment for a few months. The way he ended off kinda intrigued me : " I love you XXXX. In a brotherly manner, not a gay-love manner"

It seems like our social norms have restricted the expression of love for your family members, especially for guys. All the things about "acting man", "acting macho", keeping your weak side, or any physical contact between 2 guys has implications of being accused to be homosexuals etc. No wonder Asian Fathers are known to be the "silent one".

I love my "kids", just like how a parent would love his child. I love my 4 "younger brothers", just like how an elder brother will love his younger brothers. I cherish them, my moments with them. My heart weeps when I have to scold and punish them. My eyes tear when I worry about them. Making the effort to spend time with them have never felt like a chore - it felt like something I enjoy. They do not have the best results, they do not have the best character. But they are my kids, they are my younger brothers, and they are very much dear to me.

But I can't express it out. Being trained sociologically(ok, just the introductory module), I don't really care. But unfortuantely, they wouldn't interprate it that way. I can't show them how proud I am of them infront of everyone else - cause the credibility of their success will be undermined when they are accused of getting to where they are not by their hardwork, but through me.

Hence my emotional constipation.

But I have to learn to let all these emotions go. I don't have much time left with them. I'm sure they'll move on.

As for me.........I need to learn

if I have a younger brother

I would want him to be like him.

Then again, you don't need bloodlines to tie 2 brothers together.

Tell me again, why am I so lucky?