why wait

This is gonna be one hell long of a post. But it is something close to me, that is why it's so blardy long. So if you're looking for a laugh, come another day ok?

I've posted this question on my facebook the other day:

"Why is it that our social norms mould people to be emotionally constipated, even to our loved ones?"

Other than complains about how I phrased the question(sorry, that's the negative effects of reading too much academic writings at one go), I was struck by this answer from one of my friends:

"I prefer things left unsaid ... less is more sometimes. I would rather my loved ones to feel my love then to let me tell them ..."

Hence, it all goes back to my question : Why is it so difficult for us to say "I love you" or "I appreciate you" or to tell our loved ones: family, quasi-family, friends etc. how much we love and appreciate them? Why is it so difficult for us  to express such emotions and to tell them how important they are to us, and hence the emotional constipation?

It's especially worse for a guy to tell that to another guy. There is always this fear of it sounding "gay" or breaking that tough image that a guy suppose to have.

Why this outburst from me then?

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7 years and 8 months ago, 2 weeks before my father left, the doctor said that all his organs have failed, and he "could go any time". He was constantly unconscious, at most, semi-conscious.

My father is the typical Asian father. Silent, quiet, guards his emotions, I know the caning and fierce side of him more than any other facets of him. He never told us how important we are to him, he never told us how much he love us.

During that 2 weeks, whenever he was semi-conscious, he would look at us, and always tried to say something. But nothing came out of his mouth.

It struck me: What are you trying to say? Why didn't you say it earlier when you can? Why only say it now when you can't?

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Fast forward to today. Well, Nigel Thrift talked about the idea of "affect" - which is basically expression of emotions, which can affect other people's emotion, materialised in a form, and how it is transmitted digitally today. 

I chance upon 5 blogs and a facebook account dedicated to the 5 dragon boaters, who lost their life in the recent tragedy. So much outpouring and accumulation of "affects" on those blogs. The facebook account of one of the dragon boaters was an exceptional example of how sudden the lost is. His status was set as "away till monday", while his wall of his profile is flooded with tributes from his friends.

Everyone was saying how sudden it is, how much a lost it is, how wonderful they have been, how important they have been, how much they love them, how much of their lives have been touched by them etc.

Quite a few mentioned, if only they could tell them all these earlier.  Especially this one,

"WHY do we need to have something like this to happen before everyone realized or start pouring out how great he/she is/was.. how much we will remember them for... how long they'll stay in our hearts etc etc etc "

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A lot of times, we forgot how fragile life is, and how much we have taken everyone around us for granted. No amount of national tragedies, nor no amount of personal tragedies of our friends will drive that into us. 

But at least do yourself, and your loved ones a favour - tell them how much you love them, how important they are to you. Don't end up like my father, who can't say it when he wants to. Nor me, who wants to say it, but he can' t hear it. 

My last lesson last year and this year with my kids and dis, is not geography. I made it a point to teach them this one lesson which I think is darn important. After that, I made it a point to tell them how much I love them. 

At the beginning of the term 4, I planned to say all during my last lesson with them at the last week of school, taking it for granted that they will all be there for the last lesson  But well, it was post exams - in many cases, only half the class appeared for school. One class was siphoned to run some events, leaving only 3 of them attending my last lesson then. Turns out many whom I want them to hear, aren't around to hear it.

True, actions speaks louder than words. I even told one of my dis - those who love you are not those who say it, but those who show it. You can show your love through actions, your loved ones can feel it, but nothing is more affirming than complementing such actions with a affirming "I love you". After all, actions, feelings, they are all very subjective. Nothing is more affirming that when you say it after you show it.

That is why my friend, whom I quoted at the start of the post, you went on cloud nine when your niece said she love you right?