chui

my worst semester ever. 4 b- and a b.

i seriously don't understand what went wrong. my ca, which ranges from 40-60% of my scores, are either a- or b+. other than 1 or 2 papers, i walk out of the exam hall feeling more confident than my economy and space module, which gave me a b+ despite a b- project. i'm not saying that given my effort, i should deserve a or a+, but seriously, it can't possibly drop so badly, unless what i've written on the exam papers make no sense to the examiners?

am i victim of the curve? if so, why my group mates who are more clueless with what they have studied, or couldn't finish as much of the paper as i did, got at least 2 grades better than me?

i'm somehow suspecting that it's my chui handwriting. i'll ask for review just to confirm it all. though inside me, i know that 3/4 chance that nothing will change. 

cue grumbling about the lack of academic transparency in nus. we don't even know what checks and balances they have to ensure there is no error. the numbers can be as large as 3 makers, for 200+ scripts of essays. i've marked papers before. i know that no matter how careful you are, there is bound to be some kind of calculation error somewhere or a mistake in marking here and there. yet for review, they don't remark, they just see if anything has been left out from marking or if the addition of marks is wrong. that for $10 that even a sec 1 kid can do without any problems. and we can't see our paper unless we have a f or u? sounds like some vulgar phrase at us if we ever request to see our paper without those 2 grades. i would seriously be rich if i have the same policy while relief teaching.

strangely, i'm not extremely disappointed. i'm disappointed by the fact that i can't tell those who were worried that my results would be compromised due to my relief teaching stint that it didn't. if my kaks and hod were to hear that this is my worst semester, they might feel responsible for it. they've already felt bad that i'm taking less pay and running back and forth school and nus.

i'm disappointed by the fact that i can't tell my dis that i've done well. at least they can tell other people that their kor is one who can do well, or at least have someone to look up to.

but am i disappointed of myself? right now, i may not be able to qualify for thesis, or my cap might edge me out from the competition for exchange programme. but strangely, i don't feel a single thing - just like how i felt about this whole semester. frankly, i would have zombified if i didn't draw strength from those 2 group of people mentioned earlier.

i'm not gonna sob over it. i want to do my thesis, and i will make it happen. whether these grades will change or not, perhaps its meant to be a wake up call. somehow i found more energy today in wanting to do better.

dis, kids. i will make it next sem. so that i can tell you all my story of climbing up again from a fall.