a shout out to one of my dis

i know you appreciate that i come down to meet you all to clarify your queries. but seriously, don't feel guilty about it di.

i know you are concerned that i have to travel so far, but the thing is i don't find it a chore. i enjoy spending time with you all, why would i find it a bother to spend time with my dis? neither do i think that it is a waste of time either.

it will only be a waste of time if you all don't benefit from it. it will only be a waste of time if i travel down, and you travel down, only to have nothing to ask me or nothing productive done. that will be a waste of time. but since you have your doubts clarified, and i get to see you all and spend some time with you all, why is it a waste of time?

i'm glad that you are very sensible and mature enough to not take things for granted. but don't feel guilty about it alright?

*ruffle your head* you're my di. :)

why it's not my priority now

my home emptied literally when i was 15. first my father left for another world, then both my brothers went to study overseas one after another. in the end, even though i would busy myself in school till evening, i would always return to a home without anyone in. mum would always work till real late, and i don't blame her for that.

that is why i can more or less understand what is like to spend most of your formative years without a fatherly / brotherly figure. looking back, perhaps that is why i'm so into my cca - it's probably my way of finding my self-worth and my way of whoring for praises. perhaps that's why i always identify this mentor and that mentor easily as a fatherly figure or a brotherly figure - perhaps that's my way of seeking attention or compensating for the lack of it.

now that big bro is still working overseas, 2nd bro is furthering his studies this year, mum busy herself with volunteer work during the weekend, i wonder what's the point of going home sometimes. travelling for 1 1/2 hour only to be alone in a bigger shell for most of the time and hardly spending any time with her. some times, i thought, might as well stay in my hall so that i don't drive up the electricity bill at home.

frankly, i'm used to it already. that's how i spent my formative years anyway.

looking at one of my di, who's father is overseas most of the time, i can't help but see some of myself then in him. the way he use certain way of speaking as a sub-conscious form of self-defence, the way he attaches himself to people who are elder than him, the way he attempts to seek attention and validation - seems like i've been there, done that too, and probably still doing that now. that is not the reason why i considered him to be my di, but the day i decided to call him my di was the day i told myself that now that i am his brother, i must be a good brotherly figure to him, so that he wouldn't need to go through as much as what i've been through.

i don't know why either, but my 5 dis and my kids' o's is one of my priorities now. that is why kak, that matter you mentioned today, is not my priority now. frankly kak, i'm used to being alone anyway.

unknowingly....

i met all 5 of my dis today!

giving a pair of wings

found these words on a blog i've encountered today.

"Now that my son is close to being an adult, we have to learn to cut the apron strings too.

All too often, we are tempted to provide him with a solution when he encounters problems.

But now we have to learn to listen to him more for him to work out his difficulties himself. As parents, we always proclaim that we want the best for our child. But is the best really for him or for ourselves? When we help him to make a career choice, is it based on sound judgment or based on our unfulfilled dreams? When we give him opinions about his girlfriends, did we base our views on the kind of daughter-in-law we want or on the one he can love?

Ultimately the best birthday gift we can give our son is not another guitar or hand phone but a pair of wings to fly and explore his brave new world."

it got me thinking. will post my reflection once my thoughts have settled down.

people change

"thanks"
"no need. the pleasure is mine"
"mafan you. so paiseh"
"no it's not. it's not a chore. what matters more is that you get to do what you want to do in life"

i don't know what made me say that out. it is something i didn't want them to know.

perhaps i'm overwhelmed by the changes among them.

that prof who always talk about teaching asked me the other day : what level would you like to teach? i said i don't know, but i find it extremely gratifying to see my kids grow and mature from sec 2 to sec 3.

indeed, many of them have changed, especially my dis. to be a lot more mature, to be a lot more motivated. some changed for the better. some changed for the worse.

today it hit upon me how fast some of them have changed, after not seeing them for less than half a year. some changed for the better. some, their change made me disappointed to the point that i have nothing to say. on one hand, i'm worried how are they going to cope with the big o later this year. on the other hand, i feel helpless that given their age, i dunno how to nudge them to wake up anymore.

i can only wish that things wouldn't be too late for them. please don't shed tears of regret.

People Change
- Rockapella


Didn't hear a tone, are you, hello
I never hear a tone, I guess you know
I can't remember what I called to say
I thought you might be home on Saturday

I really can't believe it's been a year
It took a little time without you here
I'm guessing you survived alone somehow
It's good that I can joke about it now

I still avoid the park at Christopher
Never wanna feel the way we were
Unless I'm in a hurry for that train
And that's the only newsstand open late

People change (people change) everyday (everyday)
Change like you (change like you)
I got all the time in the world

People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
We got all the time in the world

It's been so long that no one even asks
And everybody's walkin' on the grass
Grass that took a while to reappear
I'd forgotten green without you here

Christmas came and went upon this bench
Tryin' to justify what made no sense
Now the ivy's overrun the tears
But it could never hide what happened here

People change (people change) everyday (everyday)
Change like you (change like you)
I got all the time in the world

People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
We got all the time in the world

(Fillin' in the conversation by myself)
(Fillin' in the reason why you leave me leavin', leavin')
(Thinkin' back, the hope we had was more than mine)

The hope we had was more than mine (more than mine)
I know it makes sense to you (more than mine)
Just make it make sense to me

Maybe I'm alive beneath the snow
Maybe you're too petrified to know
I can't believe that you would tell me lies
How could I have missed that in those eyes

Maybe if I only heard your voice
I would understand you had no choice
And though I'm glad it's clear for you to see
I wish that you could make it make sense to me

People cry (people cry) all the time (all the time)
Cry like me (cry like me)
I got all the time in the world

Flowin' in and out your life (people change)
By tomorrow mornin (everyday)
Flowin' in and out my life (people change)

People change (people change) everyday
People cry (people change) all the time
People change (people change) everyday

law of diminishing returns

though i never took economics, i'm quite aware of this law. to put it simply, after a certain point, every increase in inputs leads to lesser-than-before increase in outputs.

but bo bian, their exams are coming.

i'm glad they benefited (for those who bothered).

a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart

met up with some of my dis and some of my kids to the answer the questions they have with their work. one of my di got a new phone and they are checking it out.

"eh, you still keep this photo ah? in your new phone"
my di replied "of course lah! why not?"

they showed it to me. it was the first photo we took together 2 years ago. that was my last day in that school 2 years ago.

it warmed my heart. a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart.
-------------------------------------------
"like that will trouble you or not? your exams are nearing"
"no it wouldn't. remember what I told you before i left?"
"what?"
"that you are my di, and i'll look out for you"
"oh" *smile*

yeh. that gave me a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart too.

suckiest lesson i have ever given

i couldn't quite make sense of what i'm teaching. why in the world are we teaching the kids theories and teach them that are proven totally wrong and discredited, but still want them to consider it as a key factor? doesn't help when my brain is not working properly as my cumulative number of hours of sleep for the week is less than 10 hours. Doesn't help that the noise of friday ccas perpetuate through the classroom.

it was indeed the suckiest lesson i've ever given. it doesn't reward those who make the effort to come down for 2 hours to learn. i'm so sorry to have wasted your time.

what better way to mark 2 years of teaching them

taught and clarified some stuff with 3 of my dis and some of my closer kids. what better way to mark the 2 years.

and i found myself acting cool again. underneath that "everything seems normal" face is me missing them a lot.

2 years

exactly 2 years, i began my first teaching day as a relief teacher.

i thank you, all the kaks, and those who taught me and guided me along this journey.

i thank you, the bloggers out there who gave me advices and encouragement - roamer, piper, fearfully opinionated, stressed teacher, singapore teacher and ktm.

i thank you, my kids. this journey wouldn't have been so rewarding without you all.

most importantly, i thank you, my dis. the 5 of you are what i'm most proud of.

thanks to all of you.
yanjie changed,
learnt a lot,
and experienced life a lot.

it is aptly meaningful how today is also the day we started our "solution" with my beloved kids and dis.

8 years

it's been 8 years.
we are all fine.
so many years,
things have moved on.

there's nothing left for you to worry about.
do fly away.
these are just some occasional tears,
from missing you,
time to time.

aren't nothing much,
no need to worry,
fly away.



"i love you,
too much to make you stay
baby, fly away"

"i'm ok now,
you can go now"

glimmer of hope

it made my day to see that quote from current unity primary principal.

3 important days of my life

10 april 2000: the day i graduated from two life lessons (see previous post)
11 april 2006: the day i finished my national service
12 april 2006: my first day at the school of my kids and dis.

warning: emo posts ahead for these 3 days.
---------------------------------------
been feeling a little unwell lately, but recovered quickly. perhaps it was due a lack of sleep, yet not much work seem to have been cleared. decided to take leave from all my stuff yesterday and today. it's been almost a week since i slept properly on the bed, instead of half on the chair or on the floor. finally stepped into amk library after almost a month, to read recreationally. i need my weekly dose of flipping through some random facts that interest me at that moment. turn out there is a "dummies guide to sustainable living". that will make a great learning portfolio entry.

the final years have commanded. somehow, i don't feel as emotional about it as with the final years who commanded last year. perhaps i'm not so close to them, or the previous batch of final years are the ones who really showed me what hall life is about and gave me a platform to show the hall what i'm capable of. or perhaps, after they've left, i realised that everyone move on with life. all those tears, all those friendship, are just a fragment of memory when theirs and our lives have moved on.

room results came out too. i didn't get a room, much to the shock of some people. apparently, i missed the cut off by a measly 1 or 2 points. somehow, i didn't feel much about it. perhaps there aren't much people left in hall for me to come back for. it somehow got me thinking about what hall means to me.

i'm no longer able to say i love it, like i would in year 1. perhaps the distance from those whom i'm closer to, made me felt this way. but do i still feel for this place? the answer is yes.

it feels like running. somehow at the start, every thing was great. somehow in the middle, every thing begins to feel tiring and the feeling of giving up keeps pounding on the mind. somehow it is near to the end, can we find the energy to start sprinting and enjoy the joy of running again, till the euphoria of the finishing line.

perhaps i'm right in the middle. but i'm not going to give it up.

life's lessons

8 years ago, some where around this date, a life lesson called "appreciating your loved ones before they are gone - learning it the hard way" started for me. i think i'm the only student for that lesson. it came along with this course called "telling your loved ones that you love them before you can't say it, or they can't hear it any more - learning it the hard way" as well.

in a few days time, it will be 8 years since i've graduated from these life lessons. for the pass 2 years, i have been used whatever i learnt from these 2 life lessons, and taught them to my kids and dis. unfortunately, they didn't get learn it though. it's a little disheartening, but i hope they manage to learn it before it's too late.

8 years on. so much have happened, that i no longer ask "what if" any more. life has moved on so much on this path, that you are no longer able to look back and wondered, what the other path would have been like. true, i have attributed some state of myself now, and at some point, blame, certain state of things for this change of paths 8 years ago. but now the junction seemed to far to think of the possibilities of the other path.

too many a times, we have taken life for granted, especially the lives of those around us. somehow, there is always this "tomorrow" which we can see each other again. hence, "i love you", "i treasure you","i'm sorry" and "you're important / special to me" can always wait till tomorrow, while unkind words take its place.

put your pride a little. put your ego aside a little. they are things you bring along to with your grave. but your words of love, will stay forever. don't the ones you love deserve to have that from you before you are gone?

that is what i learnt from those 2 lessons. and i think this is my last life lesson to anyone as well. not that i'm dying, but it is one lesson people will keep forgetting, that needs to be retaught over and over again.

including to myself

有时很想 再次听你说出的第一个字
有时很想 再次看你露出的第一个笑
有时很想 再次看你跨出的第一步伐
有时很想 再次擦干你流的第一颗泪

有时很想 再次抚摸着你的头
有时很想 再次听你的胡说
有时很想 再次听你吹的牛
有时很想 再次听你诉的苦

是否你的头 不再转回头
是否你的背影 渐渐的离开
是否你的困难 我不再听你说
是否你的开心 我不再听你分享

是否你的声音 若想再听 只从电话传出
是否你的脸孔 若想再看 只从相片看出
是否你说的话 若想再听 只丛电脑看出

是否你留下的羽毛
是否你翅旁挥的风
是你告诉我你翅旁硬了的方法？