cleared my thoughts

it's been a while since mum and i sat down for a home cooked meal and talk. haven't been spending much quality time with her for the past few months - her being busy with her volunteer work, me tutoring my mon-kids for their o's. then came by projects avalanche and now finally there is a breather before the exam craze.

mum never knew how attached i am to my mon-kids. nor does she knows that i have 5 dis. i didn't tell her because she'll freak out - all those reports of teachers being accused (those wrongly accused of course) caused her to be extremely cautious. i had to assure her many times i'm meet my mon-kids in public areas for tuition then her mind will ease a little. so i did not tell her what i'm going through now. but somehow, after listening to her talk about some of her problems, i kinda found the solutions to mine.

i used to tell my colleagues this: we did not teach to receive appreciation. if appreciation is shown, it's a bonus.

yet i did not really practice what i preach. wondering why things turn out this way - aren't i looking for another form of appreciation and gratification of what i have put it? i might as well do what xyz did(which i'm still digusted about) - openly guilt them, ask them if (s)he should continue putting effort into them because (s)he has not been thanked. oh yeh, somehow that worked in getting whatever appreciation (s)he wanted, but i'm still disgusted by that method.

kak is right. when you put in too much, you'll end up expecting something to happen, and it can strains things when somethings are said / not said or done / not done.

i guess that is the case with me and the 3 dis of mine. i'm expecting something, i'm expecting a clear answer, probably because of what i've put in. i didn't put those in to get something in return, neither should i expect anything from them - be it a clear answer or what.

so that's why i'm no longer taking an active role now. i don't want things to be done out of obligation, neither do i want to guilt you all.

yes i would very much prefer a clear indication.
but if it is not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
if it is suppose to continue, like with my 2 other dis, then it shall continue.
if it must take a few years before we find each other again, then let it be.
if we will only find each other at my deathbed, like what happened in "Tuesdays with Morrie", then so be it.
if it will never continue, then let it be.
perhaps to them, some things are better left unsaid.

i am trying hard to move on, but give me time. at the start of the year, i thought i have successfully moved on. turns out that's not how things should turn out, and my life revolved around them once more.

now i have nothing to help them. it's the time to really close this chapter for good and move on with life. more than 2 years of my life have more or less revolved around them. i will need time to fill in the void. perhaps when i start my exchange next semester, starting a new life would help me move on much more easily.

but they will continue to have a special place,
on my table,
on my wallpaper,
and in my heart.

my mon-kids, will always be my mon-kids.
my dis, will always be my dis.
i don't know if there will be a batch where i would love as much,
or be just as committed and attached to.

i certainly miss them a lot.
thanks for all the joy you all have given me.
all that's left are feathers.


can't find cat steven's version, and rod stewart's version is quite bad. so have to resort to a nicer, but female version.