Sunday, November 29, 2009

like a round object surrounded by squarish objects


have you felt like this before?
like a round object surrounded by squares and rectangles.

the illusion that you have fitted in this group
that you're surrounded and with them all the time
but underneath this illusion,
the only bonds you have with them is superficial
it is unlike theirs where it is so tight and close
they fit each other so well
but you,
you are just someone with superficial bonds
only one small part of contact.
as much as you want the bond to be tighter,
it seems impossible

it's not like you don't have other round objects that "click" with you literally
it's just that they are not around most of the time
but when you meet, you click
but most of your other time
you're surrounded by these squares and rectangles

i used to have the illusion that i've fitted in
among this group of squares and rectangles
so when one of them is troubled,
i do what i did for those who are close to me.

then one sentence from one of them
came like a slap on the face
"you don't know me well enough
stop pretending like you do"

suddenly the illusion of fitting in is gone
and that i don't belong becomes more apparent.

i no longer know what to do
should i continue to try
and risk more slaps of "stop pretending that you know me well enough"?

but yet i'm always surrounded by them
perhaps i should just acknowledge the fact that
what i enjoy with them turns out to be an illusion
my apparent deeper bonds with them is just an illusion.

perhaps it is time to move away.

posted by yanjie at 1:22 AM 0 Comments

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

idiot

referring to self

posted by yanjie at 11:59 AM 0 Comments

Monday, November 23, 2009

if only i can think of a melody for this lyrics that just came to my head


花开了
你说过会回来的
那时你得离开我之前
你种下的花儿
等着你来看

花开了
你说过不是不要
那时你我拥有的幸福
你说花开之前
盼着你回来

*chorus*
是否当时你我的约定
当初说了是让我安慰
你的发 已落谢
你的脸 如白灰
这种说好的约定
是否是你我唯给彼此
回到当初的一种希望

花谢了
你我当初的约定
到你等我了

posted by yanjie at 12:40 AM 1 Comments

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

here comes the rain again

this song couldn't be more apt now.
both literally and metaphorically.
it would be a lie if i say i'm not affected at all by the grade
but i just have to keep moving on and push whatever i can push

posted by yanjie at 10:50 PM 0 Comments

when the monsoon rain comes, tujhe yaad na meri aayee

somehow, the monsoon rain reminds me of this song. perhaps it is how rain is an important part of the song in the movie.

my favourite song, tujhe yaad na meri aayee, from my favourite hindi movie, kuch kuch hota hai.

posted by yanjie at 12:38 AM 0 Comments

Monday, November 16, 2009

the pendulum (redux)

this is not the first time i've used the pendulum analogy , but i shall use it again in reply to a friend's blog post.

think of a person's mood as a pendulum.
at one end is extreme happiness, at the other end is extreme sadness.

once you've swung to the extreme happiness zone, it swing back to sadness, and back to happiness.
the larger the swing in one direction, the greater the swing it is to another direction.

that's the principle of the pendulum.

so where has your megahappyhearts gone to? it will be back when your pendulum swings back. no need to look for it. :)

(and that is why i prefer to be at the neutral state)

posted by yanjie at 12:15 AM 0 Comments

Sunday, November 15, 2009

radicals = lonely? a reply to a friend's blog post

was reading a friend's blog. in his latest entry, he mentioned how his supervisor always share lots of ideas that are very radical, and that it is very difficult to share it with others. Hence he concluded that being radical is necessarily lonely.

i beg to differ.

true, not many people will understand your ideals.
true, not many people will understand your ideas.
true, not many people will see why there is a need to change what you see needs to be changed.

but judging that a radical is lonely at this point is a little too premature. if you look at it at a longer time scale, you'll find that that's not true.

let's take yasmin ahmad for example. her desire to change the notions of racism and race-based politics through her films drew her a lot of flak from the censors and the media. it took her a few more films to find people who think like her and accept her universal ideas of love. it took her a few film festivals to receive the acclaim and love she deserve that she did not get from her country. now, like she put it, even the makciks in the conservative kelantan like her films.

i have a radical idea too. i want to challenge a certain discourse that is prevailing among singaporeans. i once brought that up to your mentor, saying that how it would not change in my lifetime, and how it is so entrenched that you see its effect in schools. he said something, along this line: even if you can't change thousands, at least one who hears it and bring it on will bring about the change eventually. after all, this challenge to a prevailing discourse was transmitted to me from someone else. it resonated in me, and i'm now spreading it. (it's the myth of malays being lazy that i want to challenge, in case you're wondering)

so give radicals time. i used to watch yasmin ahmad's film alone. no one in my circle of friends or family appreciate. why watch a malaysian film when some hollywood blockbuster is showing?

i used to watch hindi films alone too. no one in my circle of friends or family appreciate it either. they always say, why watch a movie about song and dance, chasing around the coconut tree. hello, north india got coconut meh?

but eventually, i found people who appreciate yasmin ahmad films / hindi films. you have no idea how much we talked about and the excitement that erupts when we found each other, so much so that we kinda ignored other friends who were present, as we were too engaged with our own discussions. ditto for the desire to learn thai and its culture.

same thing for radicals. give them time, and once they found people who resonates the ideas and thoughts, they form deep and real friendships.

sometimes the idea itself may not resonate. for example, i do find what your mentor brought up last friday a little too idealistic.

but the underlying values do resonate. that itself can shape the idea, to make it better, and have a wider appeal.

like the two quotes i sent your mentor from my favourite film-maker. you may not agree with what she says, but you have to admit, the underlying values is appealing.

‘I am optimistic and sentimental to the point of being annoying, especially to people who think that being cynical and cold is cool.’ ~ Yasmin Ahmad

" I get accused of being sentimental with my films and optimistic. I can only say 'What do you want? It's pretty shitty out there, You want more of it in cinema? What's wrong with you? Weren't you picked up as a child? Why obliterate hope?" ~ Yasmin Ahmad


you just have to keep sharing your ideals and ideas till it resonates with someone. :) by the way, i don't remember u sharing it with us.

posted by yanjie at 8:57 PM 2 Comments

Monday, November 02, 2009

lotus



the dirtier the mud, the more beautiful the lotus will be.
now that huge load of shit has been thrown at me,
it is up to me to use it and emerge out of it.
to be stronger, to be better.

posted by yanjie at 9:30 PM 0 Comments

posted by yanjie at 12:13 AM 0 Comments

about me


yanjie.
floating log
old cow
whatever

chit chat


Previous Posts

  • crescent moon
  • towards the end of a student life
  • looking back at 2009
  • ทรงพระเจริญ
  • like a round object surrounded by squarish objects
  • idiot
  • if only i can think of a melody for this lyrics th...
  • here comes the rain again
  • when the monsoon rain comes, tujhe yaad na meri a...
  • the pendulum (redux)

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