thanks

thanks to you, all of you,
I never knew I have so much love to give.

helpless

never before have I felt so helpless, to the point I cried. I tried my tears, washed my face, but it didn't hide the red eyes.

Bared all I have,
my vulnerabilty
what I thought,
what I felt,
but did not tell them why my eyes were red.

Guilty Faces, but how long will it last?

don't worry, I'm not giving up. Nor am I discouraged.
I just need time to find my next step

tuesdays with morrie

The first time I picked up this book was when I was on course in Slack-mont. We were in the last week of course, and we basically wake up to eat and sleep. So I read "Vernoika decides to die" by Paula Coelho as well as "Tuesdays with Morrie" and finished it in 3 days.

"Tuesdays with Morrie" was the first book that ever moved me to tears. I thought I've gained a lot from it. But after re-reading it again, and again. Not the whole book, just sections of it. It felt like I've never read it before. It seemed like something new has appeared.

Probably it didn't make sense to me then. Probably it did, but it didn't resonate. Probably it was something that went "oh, make sense" and forget about it but now, "oh how true. No wonder that time......"



"whenever people ask me about having children or not having children, I never tell them what to do," Morrie said now, looking at a photo of his older son. " I simply say, 'There is no experience like having children.' That's all. There is no substitute for it. You cannot do it with a friend. You cannot do it with a lover. If you want the experience of having complete responsibilty for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children."

So you would do it again? I asked.
I glanced ath the photo. Rob was kissing Morrie on the forehead, and Morrie was laughing with his eyes closed.

"Would I do it again?" he said to me, looking surprised. "Mitch, I would not have missed that experience for anything. Even though..."
He swallowed and put the picture in his lap.
"Even though there is a painful price to pay," he said
Because you'll be leaving them.
"Because I'll be leaving them soon."

paradoxes in my life

just realised the paradoxes in my life

I'm a relief teacher, but also a student.
I'm the youngest at home, but I have a younger brother.
I have yet to reproduce, but I feel like a parent.
I do not have a spouse, but I have kids.
When I punish my kids, why do I feel more pain and hurt?
I am physically tired, but I've never felt more alive.
I have problems expressing in words, but I'm a Arts and Social Sciences student.
I stay on campus, but I take an hour plus to travel to school for my lessons.

weird things which is an experience that I actually enjoy. :D

being a bastard II

i've resorted to my most drastic measure. Hope they will really wake up. After all, the consequence of the drastic measure is that I wouldn't be teaching them anymore.

Sigh. time to be a bastard to 2 of my kids tomorrow.

it hurts.

"Today, a colleague told me that I really acted like a mother to my students. I would always feel guility after reprimanding them. She said that it was exactly how a mother would be."
- From Singapore Teacher

My exact sentiments.

She too wondered if she could share her love between her kids(when she have them) and her kids in school. Me wondered too.

That's why we salute our collegues who have so much love to share with their kids, their students, and those around them, and balance it all so well.

if i may

if i may,
I wanna pat your back,
and whisper a "thank you".
For making working so hard for the past 3 months,
For putting up a wonderful show
For producing a float that we all call our own.
For making me shed my first tear of pride for KR at the climax of the performance.
Though we didn't win, that was enough.

If I may,
I wanna pat your back,
and whisper a "sorry, I can't do it"
I'm sick of designing posters, websites,
for events, for companies, for organisations.
I wanted to do something new,
you said "no we need you",
and I didn't say "no" hard enough.
Now I'm dragging myself to do it well,
but end up dragging everyone down.
It is no excuse,
but I will give my best.

If I may,
I wanna say it to you all,
I'm proud of you all,
I'm thankful for you all,
but I can't say it out at all.

If I may,
I want to know why you're like this.
I want to know your story.

If I may,
I wanna pat your head,
and give you a hug
the kind which a big brother would give his younger brother,
and say "thank you"
for what you've given me.
To be able to see you grow,
to give me saddness and disappointment,
only to replace it with pride and joy in a moment.
To have someone who's like a younger brother to me,
a younger brother that I never had.

If I may,
I wanna leave quietly, unannounced.
disappear overnight,
along with all the memories you all have of me.
But that's now possible,
But I owe you all a proper closure.
I don't know how to do it yet.
I can't bring myself to.
Perhaps its best left unsaid.

If I may...........
If I may...............

of touch and letting go

there is a certain power that the human touch has. it pass on a certain affection, a certain comforting feeling, a certain safe feeling that no words can pin point. I rememberd Prof Paulin Straughen always holding our forearm when she's showing her appreciation. Somehow that makes it more personal.

I have always envied my female collegues who can give a assuring holding of the hand to the students who break down. Such human touch is much more powerful and comforting then all the words out there combined. Or when they share their joy or pain when they receive their results with a simple hug. It is the most basic and powerful way to say 'I'm here. Don't worry." I had the chance to witness how it almost instantly calms the student, or an invisble bond was formed almost immediately, or how the joy, being shared, multiplied to all those around them with just a hug.

Yet, that is something a male teacher can't do. Do that to a female student, you're at risk of being considered as a pervert or molester. Do that to a male student, you're at risk of being considered as a homosexual, or a paedophile. Somehow, male aren't suppose to give the human touch, usually males who do so are perverts/molester/*insert your choice of term*. After all, I don't blame anyone for thinking this way. Look at all the news about pervertic teachers in Singapore who gave the human touch at all the inappropriate places - they are all male teachers. Or those who have been accused of touching the wrong places, even though there wasn't a single physical contact - males too.

Hence, I've always distance myself physically from my students. Whenever G jokingly put his arm over my shoulder, he will be shurgged away immediately and given the cold stare, no matter how close he is to me. Even when I took a photo with my closest kids last year -all of them have their arms over each other shoulders, except me.

The other day, I was looking through the multiply pictures of an ex-collegue of mine. Almost all the photos he took with the students close to him invovle them having their arms over each other shoulder. It struck me.

Last Monday, one of my kids told me about the passage they read during CME, a story from "chicken soup for the soul", about how a father who has skin diseases overcame his inhibitations and gave his son a hug. A number of them commented how sad it was, to have difficulty giving the simplest and strongest form of affection - the human touch. It struck me once more.

What have these kids of mine done wrong, to not deserve any physical contact with me, to not receive a little gesture of my assurance?

I'm not talking about more intimate ones like hugs. I mean, a simple pat on the shouluder, or a simple pat on the head - it is powerful enough. Like how D smiled when I gave him a assuring pat on his head after our counselling session, much to his protest that I've messed up his hair. Like how Mr Choo will always pat my shoulder when I visit him - my kids deserve to have those too.

Yesterday, I bumped into a few of them at the school porch, while they are waiting for each other. I've decided to put away my inhibitations and gave them a pat on their shoulder as I greeted them. That smile, is something I've never seen before. That feeling, when they return a pat on my shoulder, is something I've never felt before. Somehow, we all felt more comfortable with each other. Comfortable enough for them to start poking my tummy, like how my friends always do.

But i'm not complaining. Somehow, I feel closer to them, and I feel that they are more comfortable with me now.

But that is precisely my problem now - letting go.

Time flies. At most, within 2 more months, I have to let go, something which I'm finding it increasingly difficult. Perhaps I'm worried what will happen to them, what will happen to the bonds we share.

But I'm mentally prepared that all the bonds will not last. Even the apple of my eye, who's closest to me, who share a unspoken friendship with me, who's close enough for me to call him "the younger brother I never had" between. I've been mentally prepared that all those will just be a fragment of their passing memory since day one.

But I just don't know how to say goodbye when the time comes.

updates + walking out part II

Haven't been updating for a while.

Have moved back to hall since saturday. I was sceptical if I could go back to what I was like last time. Suddenly, even though most of us haven't seen each other for months, everything went on as per normal. It was as if someone press the paused button in May only to press the Play button now. The only reminder that things have change is that the FYFs are no longer with us.
============================================
Walking out Part II

I've tried giving the class a cold shoulder till my lesson with them this week. On Monday, they gave me a card, in which almost everyone in the class apologised and promised to pay attention. Some mentioned that I should not leave. Many asked me not to be angry with them. When was I angry with them in the first place?

On Tuesday, during my first lesson of the week, I cleared it up with them - I no longer believe in promises and apologies. Too many a times, too many of them have promised me things to raise my hopes, only to crash it all over again by breaking it. I told them that the best way to apologise, is through action - to not do the thing you've promised not to do. I thought it worked. They gave me their fullest attention.

Today, I was kinda dissapointed. The class was a little restless, much less talkative, but we still have sleepy heads. Mentioned a few times about what I mean by them "making empty promises" in the card, but still doesnt' seem to be enough to wake the sleepy heads up. Do I really have to tear up their card or throw it away in front of them to remind them how empty their promises is? To remind them what they've promised in the card but did not follow, hence making the card useless?

The other class is kinda on the verge of hitting the 5th stroke today. So was the non-stop chattering by L in my extra lesson, despite me almost walking out after much warnings. Do I really have to do such bastard things every now and then to wake them up? Or are they still in their slumber actually?