Reality check

"Sometimes, we get lost in doing so much things, somethings that we do for very selfish reasons, and forgot that the core of our profession. You are a living reminder and we are thankful that you reminded us that"
- some of my ex-collegues, who I shall not name.

They told me that, springing on a cake on my last day in SKSS. I was shocked and touched when I heard that. In the first place, they have not done anything which I would consider as selfish, i.e. for own career advancement or profile raising, at the expense of others or the kids. They are some of the teachers whom I respect in SKSS, who always think about the kids. And for them to say that they were lost, I'm lost for words. I guess only those with the passion would be reminded and awaken, while those with the rotten core who is always looking for political gains could not be reminded, awaken or healed.

How easy is it to get lost in teaching? Well, very. Recently, the CTBWIK (Circle of Teachers' Blogs Who I Kaypoh) mentioned about how easy it is to get demoralise in teaching, or succumb to the dark side of winning awards and forgetting the students.

1) Only 10% of your performance (or one of them claim) is graded for what you taught, and what you did to the kids, how well you groom them. The other 90% is the number of projects you win for the school, number of awards, aka things to raise your profile. I don't know if this is school specific, or system specific, but I tend to think it's system specific, judging from the sources of this complains that I have heard form.

2) The school is busy asking you to input data, meetings, paper work for some unrelated awards like Singapore Quality Class, organise events, on top of managing CCAs, prepare lessons and worksheet. Oh wait, you don't have time for yourself, or your family or your students!

I have rationalised where I received my gratification during my relief teaching stint in SKSS. I have always wondered how the other teacher manage all these, when the academic load is enough to leave me with only 4 hours of sleep.

Firstly, most of my energy is spent on my passion. Well, I do not have to manage CCAs(though I kaypoh ELDDS), plan events(though I help out in one or 2), take attendance, collect money, do weekly reflection log. That leaves me time to create better lessons, better animation, better resources to teach the kids, and receive better gratificaiton from them. That also leaves me more time to interact with them, talk to them, counsel them, chat with them in MSN to ensure their development and to bond with them. Without this extra time, I wouldn't have exchanged so much emotional resources to receive the gratification of watching them grow.

Second, as a relief teacher, I am only expected to teach well. So as long as I'm responsible and teach well, I am considered to have done my job well. Receiving positive feedback, and being appraised only on that, from various level, of course would motivate me to do more. Imagine the other teachers - they can give the best lessons in the world, but given a ranking of D because they didn't do much events or projects. How would they feel? Compared to giving medicore lessons and do things to ensure your promotion and bonus. It is easy to succumb to the dark side.

I'm aware of the dark side. I hope I stay with the "force" and never never succumb to it, or get disillusioned by it. Cause if I ever joined the dark side, I will be just like one of those I detest. Cause if I ever get disiullusioned, I can't change the system.

Reminder to self: Don't ever give up caring, and giving the best for the kids, no matter what they rank you according to. Cause that's what gave you the best time of your life. That's what gave you your kids, your 2E4, your laughter, your tears, your concern, your love. That's what drove u to work through the wee hours of the morning, to chat with them. That's what make your job worthwhile.

BIG REMINDER TO SELF: DON'T EVER SUCCUMB TO THE DARK SIDE

blogs and links

Blogging from my Mackie
A Mac user, and currently a student in NUS, but who hopes to become a teacher. Perhaps is already an MOE scholar/award holder.

I was shocked when I saw this at Fearfullly Opinonated/ The blogger had an entry listing various blogs by teachers, along with his/her comments, for his/her own reference. I'm not shocked that my blog is being seen by strangers, rather, shocked that my blog has warrant enough attention for some strangers to link me. Perhaps they found their way through the comments I left in other teachers' blogs, and must be terribly dissapointed to see that my blog is just ramblings - nothing intelligent. Then again, my horlible england spelleng could provide them with a few laughs here and there.

Anyway, I'm ok with strangers reading my blog. It's a WEBLOG for goodness sake, it's on the Internet (which part of WEB do you not understand?). Whoever in this world who thinks that a blog is something priavte (think KQH during PJC days and WSM incident. Hey, they were from the same elite secondary school!) deserved to be shot. Hello, it's on the Internet. Which part of "Inter" do you not understand? Unless you tell me, that your thoughts that are password protected has been hacked into, I would agree that those are your private thoughts. Even my kids, be it sec 1 , 2 or 3 knows that blogs are nothing private, without anyone of us having to teach them that. Else, any thoughts left unprotected on the internet are as good as barangs laid out for sale in a Pasar-Malam.

Some of my friends asked me - why not blog under some anoymous moniker. Well, true. Blogging under some nicknames would save you from incurring the wrath of people who are offended by your entries. This is especially useful for teachers, as certain opinons that landed in the wrong hands can result in their rice bowl breaking.

But for someone who has nothing much to lose(unless my award gets cancelled for some of my opinions. Then again, if that should happen, it would have happened when I send a email to my award officer, criticisng the production of the "Grow" Package booklet), I chose not to blog anoymously. True, it will be easier to trace me if someone gets offended by my opinion, but hey, this is what freedom of speech is about - being responsible for the opinons and thoughts you have articulated. No, freedom of speech doesn't mean you can say anything you want and walk away from it - it's kids who does it.

That is why I have always respected Mr Brown and Dixie Chicks - they voiced credible opinions, and when attacked, stood by it and took responsiblities for it. And that is why, at some uncomfrotable level, as much as I think Singapore needs more dissenting voices, I have always looked down on CSJ. He has voiced out his opinions, but hardly backs it up with proper evidence. When challenge, he accuse others of being undemocratic. Hello, you made your accusations, you made your opinions, you don't back it up, and you don't take responsiblity for it and triees to hide, by accusing others, when the challenge comes. How do you expect us Singaporeans to believe or support you? If you have justified it and stood by it, trust me, you would have garnered crediblity and support. If not, please continue to cry for your mummy at the corner.

I'm actually happy for the emergence of teacher blogs. By reading each others' blog, some sort of a netowkr has been created to support one another - cheering each other on, encouraging each other to press on despite the difficulties, bitching about lousy middle managemen that deviates from the true meaning of education etc.

It is good to know when someone has just blogged about his/her students, about the wonderful time he/she had with his/her kids, about the little things his/her kids have done that makes teaching all worthwhile and gratifying. It simply helps people to press on when they read it. The solidarity would help to regulate our sanity. (darn, why am i using sociological terms when my soci exam is over!)

Then again, all their blogs made me miss teaching already. But as I have found out on my 2nd week in NUS, if I really wantto give my kids a really good education, open their minds to the world, expose themselves to different things, I must first expose myself more in University first. Within 2 weeks in NUS, i hve learnt so much, and realised that if only I have learned these earlier, I would have exposed my kids much more to the geography discipline. I guess it is a long 4-5 year wait.

"Many of the teachers have come into the profession envisioning themselves moudling the future generation. I still see itthat way. Many of us are caught in situations and circumstances that might have caused us to forget our intial passion..."
- From "Revival of a Singapore Teacher's Life"

i truely admire her. She was disillusioned once, left the service and rejoined the service. It is the best place to get yourself motivated and learn to tolerate the rubbish in the system. And Surprise surprise, the rubbish doesn't comes from our kids.

why i love the rainy monsoon season

1) Everyday is a cool weather day
For fat people like me, that means no sweating!

2) Every night is a snuggle-under-your-blanket night
Extremely nice way to sleep....and to end up over sleeping.

3) Feels good with a hot cup of drink
Especially the "tomato and herbs soup" from the Western Food Stall in Business Canteen or the Tea from the drink stall from the now-defunct-temporally-for-renovation. Drinking a ice cold drink during a hot day doesn't have the same comforting effect

4) when it rains, it is simply, well, poetic
I just love small, soft things flying down from the sky. Be it petals, snow, leaves. Or rain. It is simply poetic. I don't know why. Remember, it must be SOFT. Hailstones and killer litter are not welcomed

well, all thanks to the dryers in hall. If I were at home, I would have cursed and swear that there is no sun for me to dry my clothes.

ST's one sided reporting.

I'm officially pissed with ST's one sided reporting, about the MRT system in Singapore. (Sunday Times, 19 November, pg 10)!

Accusation Number 1: Singaporeans have a better train system, compared to London, Tokyo and New York

Rebuttal
1) You are comparing Singapore's less than 20 year old system with system that are above the age of 50? (London's tube is more than 100 years old). Of course Singapore's system will look better. Why not compare it with Thailands' Skytrain, Malaysia's LRT, or Hong Kong's MTR? By using examples from these "global cities", what impression are you trying to create?

2) You ask expatriates who are "executive creative director", "business develoment manager", and "business development executive" to try the MRT. Do they sound like they take the MRT often enough to know the problems? And if this is their first try (chances are it is), of course they are less piss. Try squeezing into trains packed with people 2 times a day, 5 times a week. See if you will get pissed.

Accusation Number 2: Singaporeans don't move to the centre of the train

Rebuttal
1) Have you taken enough trains to know what's going on? Yes, Singaporeans tend not to move to the centre of the trian, but that doesn't mean that there is no one in the centre of the train! And if Singaporeans are to pack the middle of the carriage as much as they pack the doors, that means we would have to stand on the feet of those who are seated. In another words, they have no way of leaving their seat to exit the train

"In a city like Tokyo, they are shoved against each other."
What are you trying to imply by using the term "in a city like Tokyo?" Are you saying that a global city like Tokyo, by default, as a global/world-class transport system? and that it is a norm for a global/world class transport system to have people packing like sardines?

It's not like we, commuters are asking for lots of space to stretch out. We are only asking for our personal comfort zone not to be intruded, no body to body contact. That's all! This is the social norm, this is the comfort personal zone almost everyone in Singapore has. Discounting couples who behave like Siamese Twins, have you seen anyone in Singapore having any form of body contact in any social context? Do you talk to your parents with the front of your body touching the back of your parents' back? If not, why are you expecting Singaporeans to do so with strangers? Why are you comparing it to other societies that have a different demograph and norms?

Besides, we are a TROPICAL climate. Aka everyone sweats more easily. Imagine the hygeine standard of everyone in the train.

What claims do you have that you are a "world-class" transport system if the system can't even provide the basic personal comfort zone to it's commuters? We are not talking about stretching space, just no body contact, which is a social norm. Would you like to have body contact with everyone 10 times a week, to and fro work? If not, shut the !@#$%!@# up and stop using expatraites' experience to say that we are spoiled. Is it to much to ask when we are voicing out our displeasure when our personal comfort zone has to be intruded?

3:40

this entry is not bout spoofing royston tan's 4:30, but well, it is almost the same thing lah. About not sleeping in the wee hours of the morning.

Twisted and turned on bed for half an hour earlier, and realised that i can't get to sleep. Darn, shouldn't have made green tea before sleeping. Now i can't sleep, nor study. But this special state of mind gives me the ability to think.

I realised that I have yet to play the piano for more than a month. It used to be an outlet for me for my emotions and thoughts. I guess i was too busy with project deadlines and stuff. Or have i found another outlet without knowing?

The other day, I was looking at the list of people who will be going for SEP next semester. I realise that it contains names of certain people whom i have grown close to during this sem, whom I guess, I will miss their presence sorely next semester.

It is a wonder what hall life can do to people. You could meet so many people, make so many friends, be close to people whom you never thought you would be close with on day 1. Meal times used to be a individual affair. It will be a group affair if you bump into people in the dining hall. Now, everyone will just "jio" everyone else.

It used to be cliques mixing among cliques. now the cliques are breaking, barriers dropping to form a big group.

Perhapas this is the honeymoon period, where everything is new and fresh to us, where we enjoy the social life found in hall and the bonds and friendship that were made. Perhaps we have yet to see the politics and the ugly side of all these, and for some strange reason, I tend to believe that it exists and our seniors are hiding it from us for some good reasons.

And the realities of separation will sink in eventually. Other than those going for SEP, there will always be people who are burned out, had enough of hall life, move out of hall life, don't have enough points to stay on for hall. And of course, the final years leaving us.

I guess that's why the final years look at us year ones with so much joy. Perhaps it remind them of the good old days where everything was still fresh and new, where we were all innocent. Just as how we cherish and smile when we look at babies and children - their innocence simply reminds us of the things that made us happy - which we have forgotten about and lost.

"Oh My Sleeping Child,
The World so wide,
but you build your own, paradise.
That's one reason why,
I cover you Sleeping Child"
- "Sleeping Child", Micheal Learns to Rock.

Perhaps that's why.


PS If you want me to link ur blog here, tag me with ur blog add pls.

stupid rain

when it rains, the cooling effect that it brings to the weather has 2 effects on me
1) makes me sleepy(so do everyone else right?)
2) makes me think of people.

It just rained. I had my dose of slumber. And I'm thinking of people that I'm missing.

2E4, where are you all posted to? did you all get your choice of subject combination?

When I said my goodbyes, I was thrusted right into Hall Life, which helped me get over it all. I don't know why it all came back again. Perhaps I'm too comfortable in hall now for all these feelings to resurge?

Darn, why is my blog turning into like a whiny one like Sumiko Tan's column?

cher cher

came across this guy's blog, apperently a science teacher, whom as I see, someone who holds the same values in education as me. check out this video he made for his kids!!



I guess only those who put their kids first will know the true joys of teaching. It is good to know that such people in the education exist and stayed strong. Hope he will climb up the ladder and bring more sense to this system.


One does not acquire this through being a popular person, by giving to every single request to his/her student.

Cause students, know whether you care or not. They know when you are punishing them for their good, and when you are punishing them to just show your power. And they will respect those who punish them for their good, those that truely care,not those who just smile all the time and ignore their mistakes.

cause it's those punishment with good intentions that will impact their lives.

if you were to die now

if you were to die now, and look back at your life, what are the things that make you think "it's a good life", and what are the things that make you think "i should have done it the other way"?

I should have done it the other way:
- take the momentum to lose more weight in NS *stares at tummy and sigh
- appreciate my father more while he was still around
- spent more time with Cedric, Jia Hui, Ming Feng and gang.
- learn Hainanese while i was still young and sponge-like brain

It's a good life
- great friends whom i could count on and have fun
- great kids (yes xiao hui, they will always be my kids, regardless of age. they made me feel what it was like to be like a parent, and as long as they come to me, they will always be my kids, and i'll be their mentor.)
- great seniors who guided me and taught me many things
- great juniors whom showed me things i didn't see and gave me a chance to past knowledge to them
- great family (extended as well)
- great teachers who mentored and nutured me
- great schools who gave me great teachers, experiences and opportunities
- great experiences.

I guess if i were to die now, other than worrying about my mother, I wouldn't have any regrets.

No i'm not suicidal. I'm just reflecting upon my life to see if I'm going in any path that may add on to the "regrets" list

Pearls Before Swine

Well, ended my final project today. Basically, the group presented our GE2226 group project. Well, though Prof Savage mentioned that "I have already graded you, and the presentation is to see if you should get a better grade", i think he really meant it. On our paper, he graded "A-", next to a cancelled "B". So hooray!

Got back our individual project as well. Just as I was about to rejoice over my grade (A-), I realise that everyone else around me got an A. Darn. I'm still @ the back of the curve.

anyway, here's one or 2 strips from my favourite comic, "Pearls Before Swine". Enjoy.


Now I finally understood, why Starbucks drink size are named like this.


cute.

Sendimental values

Well, the Deck ( I always laugh when I say "The Deck". don't know why but it sounds obscene to me) , er, Arts Canteen will be close for renovation next week. Well, you don't need any announcements or email to remind you that. Just look at the queue length of the ever-popular-and-beloved Yong Tau Foo Stall. It's at its all time high. Everyone wants a last bite before they don't see it for the next 10 months, or for the final years, for a long long long time, maybe never.

Well, there were lots of protests about the Arts Canteen being closed for renovation. Some made valid points. Some, they are just 强词夺理. They exaggerate the smallest things ("Inconvinience for students to have lunch" when the nearest canteen is less than 3 mins walk and a huge array of alternative dining arrangements have been made nearby. wtf) that is, to me, as good as saying that a new born ant is going to destroy the world.

I don't get it, why is it so difficult for people to see the long term benefits? I'm shocked by the immature comments that people say, like "why can't they do it next time"(like hello, when?), "10 months is too long"(screw u. They are almost rebuilding the whole canteen. and you expect them to finish it in 10 days? You think they are making bahsha tents ah?). To think that University is the place where ideas flourish, where ideas grow, and yet we have such immature thoughts published in the Student Union Publication, with the maturity level that matches my kids.

I mean come on, look at the bigger picture. I think OED is right when they say "there is never a right time to renovate the Deck". I guess people just likes to complain without giving viable alternatives.

I sympthaise with those who will miss the Deck for sendimental values. But the canteen should not be renovated just because of sentimental value? Think about it. The roofs are leaking, ventalition is real bad etc. Think of the long term.

When PJC moved to the new campus, I was quite upset when people say "they no longer feel belong to PJC because of the new campus". Although we have memories created by the facilities, do we need the facilites to stay the same, to reaffirm our love for the place or the people who created the memories? Anderson has undergone a facelift. As much as I feel unfamiliar with the place, the council room may be gone, the computer lab which i slog hours in may be relocated, I still feel attached to the place. Cause I don't need them to be there to remind me of the memories I have. It is well in my mind.

Things change and evolve. Flowers bloom, only to fade. (and to whoever is the boh liao person who changed that to "flowerrs bloom only to f**k on my door, go screw yourself) Do we have to wait till the roof of the canteen to collapse before you are willing to say "ok, it's time to renovate"?

Why do we feel so insecure about our love for a place, that we need it to stay the same, so that we can love it just as well? Why are we so insecure that the place must stay the same for the experience to remain? Why can't we let a new place bloom new experience, that could even be better? Yes, things may no longer be the same, but what in nature's world stay the same?

If Kent Ridge or Sheares never moved, could the new unique experiences nuture? Did it cause the spirit of these 2 halls to die? No, cause it is strong enough to be transplanted. Cause it is strong enough to adapt to a new place and blosoom into a newer, better one.

Places rot and decay. What's new? The state that really matter to us will always remain in our minds.

power of dreams

all it takes is to have a dream

for one to do the impossible

for one to overcome it all

for one to keep going when everything seems wrong,

just for that one moment that is all right.



why am i blogging!!!! STUDY!

Got umbrella why don't use?

"Hey you need a shelter?"

"No need, I have umbrella"

"Then why you don't want to use?"

Sigh. How am I going to explain to someone the joys of walking in the rain. Not those cat and dogs kind of rain, not those light drizzles where the rain don't even form drops. Rather, they are heavy enough to make you feel it, but light enough not to wet you.

Walking in the rain, I wouldn't say that it's some spiritual cleansing thing or some maschoistic act. Rather, it's just a special feeling, a special experience. It is different each time, depending on your mood, depending what's on your mind, depending what you are thinking now, depending on the music you are playing into your ear.

then again, why is something so magical and simple, such simple joy, spoiled by people rationalising the dirt behind it?

sigh.

Saying Goodbyes and Hi

My kids have received their streaming results and are broken into various classes. Many of them blogged aboout it, saying that how much they will miss the sec 2 class. Many displayed in their MSN, "I wil misse the times with you guys" etc.

I guess it sounds childish to us, adults (I'm 21. I is a adult. :P) I mean, logically speaking, they are still in the same school, they will still each other, chances are they are at most 50m apart from each other given any time of the day.

And then I looked back, and realised that I was like them when I was their age.

I used to attribute that to the melo-dramatic overtly-sedimental personality of mine. But i guess i was only half correct.

In schools, we always make promises, that we will keep in contact, we will always be the bests friends etc. But then again, as we move on in life, made new friends, meet new people, we begin to forget all the promises we have made. No one seemed to care, no one seemed to bother to honour it anymore, and no one bothered if anyone honoured it in the first place.

Now I see my kids, making the same promises to each other, or made promises to me when I left (I will not forget what you said), I wonder how much they will honour it.

I guess given their age, they experience less people moving in and out of their life. Hence, every gathering and leaving matters a lot more to them. As compared to us adults, we see so much of it, that we are so used to it - it simply numbs us.

It is interesting that it's the kids who knows how to treasure those in their lifes, to treasure the moments, to appreciate it. As for us "adults", it seems like you will only be treasured only if you are useful. Project mates? Guess many of us would rather forget about most of them unless they are really nice to work with. Army buddies? So what you have been through thick and thin together. How many of us have talked more than 5 sentences to them for the past 2 months?

When was the last time we have taken the initative to ask how our friends are, not because we have something to sell to them, not because we have some information that we need to get from them, not because something bad had happened, not because some joyous event has occured. Just simply, cause we want to find out how they are?

Is it so difficult? Why do we always assume that as long as there is no news coming out from them, they are doing fine? Why do we always have to wait till gatherings, or some one died, or someone got married, or someone gave birth, to get together and even dial some number and ask "how are you?"

What's with the name?

I have been asked. What's with the name "Mackie"?

Well, Mackie is the name of my beloved laptop. Why the name? Well, it's a Mac. Some people call laptop lappie.

So Mac + Lappie = Mackie.

Still can't see the equation? Why not Macppie?

Well, I don't want my Mackie to soundl ike some desert or products of the company with the golden arches (Meh-Donlad lah!). Besides, Mackie sounds nicer, and this MAC has been the KEY to many of the things I do.

I adore it to give it name, to buy keyboard protector, port protector, laptop sleeves, not throw away the thin foam that prevent stains from the keyboard to be on the screen. Why? Cause it rox and does my work well and fast. Even Melissa was saying that I spoil (As in love too much that kind of spoil, not damage that kind of spoil) my Mackie too much.

Excuse me while I kiss it. *Muacks.

Unrepentant

"how is he?"
"unrepentant. Still the same"

sigh. I thought he would change after all the shit he got himself into, the credit card fraud and stuff. But it aches to hear that he's unrepentant.

don't ask for 2nd chance, cause you don't deserve it.
don't blame anyone if your appeal falls through, cause you deserve it.
and when you walk out of jail, don't blame society for looking at your record.

cause if you refuse to change, you will just prove that black mark correct.

my kids

"I've realised how much my kids have grown, and how much I've missed them"

John asked me the other day on MSN, after seeing my MSN nick(as stated above) "Yanjie you got kids ah?"
Me: Yah. "Kids". They are wonderful kids.

Indeed. I thought after a few months of lectures, tutorials, projects, lessons, hall life, making new friends, meeting new people, I would get over missing them. How wrong I was.

The other day, Yijie invited me to 2E4s chalet. As much as i wanted to stay for a night or 2, I couldn't due to my workload. She told me to pretend that I couldn't make it, so I had to lie to those who asked I was coming.

And as I talk to them, I realise how much they have grown since i left on 21 July.

Their topics have changed. It's no longer about Teen Titans or Dota. Now it's about their subject combination, how am I coping.

They have grown. Many are much taller now.(duh you would say. Puberty mah) Shanqi can't help but pride that he has reached my nose. I tell him to be proud only when I have reached his nose, while Joshua and Sweehin pride themselves that they have grown from slightly below my shoulder to slightly higher from my shoulder.


They are more capable. If I didn't tell you Yijie is 14, you would think that she's some businesswoman. Ear piece stuck permanently in her ear, handphone in the pocket, she would call up her classmates when they disappear to check on them, or to make arrangements for the BBQ.

They no longer squabble over all the small little childish things or chasing after each other round everywhere. They were actually BBQing together and coopearting.


and I realise how much I have missed them. I missed the days teaching them, joking around with them. Missed the days where i would feel like a proud parent whenever anyone of them go on stage to collect some prizes, missed the days where i would feel very very upset whenever anyone of them broke the school rules. Missed the days where we had fun, missed the days they made me very angry and upset.

When I was about to leave, I just silently told Yijie that I have to go. No longer do I hear immature pleas of asking me to stay. They have grown matured enough to understand. And studdenly, and quietly, they stop their games and walked me to the gate, despite me telling them not to do so. Joshua and gang went on further, wanting to send me to the bus stop. I appreciate that gesture of appreciation, but it's late.

I'm lucky to have taught them. They are such wonderful kids. They may not have the best results in the world, or the best behaviour. But they will always have a special place in my heart. Even if they forgot who this Mr is, they will always bring a smile to my face whenever I think of them.

Somehow, I felt as though as I had experienced what it is like to be a parent.

A new start

Ok Ok Ok. I have migrated with so much procrastination at last! This is NOT what my blog is gonna look like, but given the fact that I have exams in 3 weeks, 4 website designs to conceptualise by next week, I do not have the time to design my blog skin. So it shall appear only after my exams, which is in .....6 weeks. happy waiting.