the beauty of the night

there's no need to look at the stars,
or the moon,
to appreciate the beauty of the night.

Just pause for a moment,
and you will feel its beauty.
"Angel" by Sarah McLachlen helps too.

Kids are having exams in a few hours,
I'm finishing mine more than 24 hours later.
A chapter of my life is to be placed on hold,
another that I thought was closed,
will be reopened soon,
for more stories to be added in.

I can't wait.

the end of a tune

I'm reaching the end of my hall life for this Academic Year. Sadly, I've kinda forgotten how is it like to live at home. All along, I never had my own room, and shared a study room and bedroom with my brothers. Guess I will need sometime to adjust my life away from the time where I could just close the door and blast my music without disturbing anyone, or anyone walking past jioing me for meals (supper is a meal, at least to me. *stares at tummy), or spontanous games, or congregating at the lounge for some conversations that last the night, or sudden movie trips and outings.

One thing I like about living in hall: Privacy and Communal living is simply a door close/open away. For someone who needs time alone as well as time with other people, Hall has many pockets for me to think alone, as well as many pockets for me to interact with others, without anyone judging whether my schedule is correct or not. Well, it's kinda like having the freedom and liberty, and most importantly trust. Sigh...I wonder what would the next 3 months be like. Doesn't help when my family members like to judge and moralise my schedule.

What I have been anticipating for so long will be realised next week. I can't wait. But let me finish my papers and move back home first.

I have resisted not to write my goodbye email to the seniors after Command, as I would want to write one before I move out. Sigh... will miss them. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today in Hall. Without them, I wouldn't know what Hall Life is like. Their friendship among themselves is something I aspire to have, and see it developing among me and my floor buddies. It's not something superficial, but rather, something deep, meaningful, and beyond words. That birthday hug they gave each other, is what I think, summarises what it means.

of superficial people and disillusions

It's not something I would want to be right about, but some people just have to prove it to me.

I have branded one guy in floor as a highly superficial person in terms of relationship. His hellos and "concerns" always give me the impression that he's doing it just to go through the motion and that he's not really concerned at all. I have decided to ignore this person for the past month, as I hate wasting my energy on superficial people. Well, I hope I'm wrong.

During FYF supper, I commented on how pixalleted the pictures of the gifts look. That guy, who did it, was asking me if I know anyone in the block who knows how to do it properly. JK interrupted, saying that I'm the one who knows how to do it. To think that he exclaimed "yanjie knows photoshop meh?"

If this skill of mine is dormant, I don't blame him. However, it is the very reason why I'm always up late in the night, not sleeping - churning out designs after designs. That's also the reason why I have to use QY's computer during our first few weeks in Hall to do up DnD stuff so that I can't be around and you can ask this straight in my face "Why you so phantom?"

It's almost 1 AY. You don't even know what one of your more visible neighbours (literally) is good at, even if he has told you about it a few times? How not to think of you as superficial?

*********************************************

On a unrelated note, about disillusions,
there are 2 kinds of response one can have when they are faced with bad things
either they can be aware about it and pre-empt it so as to guard their ideals,
or be disillusioned and let it shatter their ideals.

Sometimes, the mangos ripen fast, not because they want to,
but because they have learnt that they didn't ripen fast enough in the past,
that caused them not to appreciate somethings,
before it was too late.

curiosity killed the cat

So and So(SaS), my friend whom I dedicated the "two less lonely people" post to, read that post. And we had this short exchange today.

SaS: Curiosity Killed the cat!
Me: Huh?
SaS: Your Photoshop thing lah!
Me: How you know?
SaS: Your blog lor!
Me : (Slaps forehead) Oh Ya!
SaS: Nevermind lah. You can say. some people know already.

Well, my friend, why do I still refer you as SaS here? Because

1) Relationship is what I think belong to the very personal and private sphere. Of course, you would only be comfortable letting people whom you're comfortable with know. Who am I to have the right to tell the whole world? It's your private sphere, and you would let the whole world know when you're comfortable and willing to let people know.

2) It is indeed wonderful news to know that two of you got together. But I think if I were to spread it at such a early stage, especially when you don't seem quite comfortable of letting others know, all the kaypohness and prying eyes could be detrimental to the development of the relationship.

So hence, you are still a So and So (SaS) here.

I'm happy that you found happiness. :D

PS: Curiosity killed the cat. But Kaypohness doesn't kill! That explains the longevity of the aunties and 3 mushroom 6 grandmothers (三姑六婆). And I didn't do the photoshop thing out of curiosity, but rather, kaypohness. So technically speaking, I'm quite safe. :P

I just realised I've typed another crappy post. See, I told you. There's nothing intelligent here.

how true....

I've always thought sincerity is one of the most important thing in any human relationship, and any relationship that lack sincerity is simply superficial, or you're there to be made used of by the other perosn.

Turns out it may be some problem with me..

Take this interesting Colourgenics Test


At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover......

You haven't been feeling that great lately. Both physically and mentally you are exhausted. To your best friends, those who know you and love you, it shows. Your self esteem has been reduced almost to a minimum and in order to recover - and recover you will - it is necessary that you get away from it all, even if it be only for a few days.

You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot.

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured

2 less lonely people in the world

I just saw the msn's pic of a friend of mine, that's been change recently. It's a pic of him and a girl with her head on his shoulders. A really cute pic, but the face is darkened. I assumed that he wants to keep it a secret for the time being, but oh well. The kaypohness in me and the wonders of photoshop allowed me to find out who the girl is.

Congrats my friend. I will keep your secret till you're comfortable to say it yourself.

Here's one of my favourite song for the both of you by "Air Supply". 2 less lonely people in the world indeed. :D

Two Less Lonely People in the World
I was down my dreams were wearing thin
When youre lost where do you begin
My heart always seemed to drift from day to day
Looking for the love that never came my way

Then you smiled and I reached out to you
I could tell you were lonely too
One look then it all began for you and me
The moment that we touched I knew that there would be

(chorus) two less lonely people in the world
And its gonna be fine
Out of all the people in the world
I just cant believe youre mine
In my life where everything was wrong
Something finally went right
Now theres two less lonely people
In the world tonight

Just to think what I might have missed
Looking back how did I exist
I dreamed, still I never thought Id come this far
But miracles come true, I know cause here we are

(chorus)
Tonight I fell in love with you
And all the things I never knew
Seemed to come to me somehow
Baby, love is here and now theres
(repeat chorus)

A case of twist of fate

This is a paraphrased SMS conversation between me and R today.

Me: Hey, sorry to add stress to you, but I need to confirm if my services is still needed, as I need to confirm my holiday plans with my department
R: Ok, wait I check with MH ?
R: Sorry, MH say we have a RT till end of term
Me: No worries. So next term no need either?
R: yah...sorry to dissapoint you.

Then, I thought my world came crashing down. Wanted to blog about this. After all, been anticipating it for the past 2 months. However, for some strange reason, I was unable to log on to the wireless internet, till lecture staretd. When the lecture ended, R called me.

R: free to talk now?
Me: Ya
R: MH just spoke to ???. We are short handed. When can you come?

Suddenly the dark clouds cleared.

Realise that things have turned better for the kids. M is back, in much better health and is likely to be able to teach them till her maternity leave. Glad to hear that they are catching up well with her, and finally, a geog teacher they can't bully any more or fool around.


Now is time to focus on my exams.

time flew by

Time flew by that I forgot about it totally.

11 April: I have regained my civilian status for one year.
12 April: The day I started a life changing experience as a relief teacher.

It's been 1 year. That's fast.

interesting test

Read my VisualDNA™     Get your own VisualDNA™

clarification

this is a clarification for my post on the FWOC thing.

I guess it wasn't clear. What I had was just a tinge of regret. You know, that is only worth a sigh to get over. And the reason for that tinge of regret is not because DnD comm is not good or what. It's simply, because, some of the people whom I very much want to learn from, work with, befriend are in FWOC, but that doesnt' mean I don't want to do that to Dnd Comm. Nor does it imply that I think DnD is lousy, it's not.

I still remember why I want to do DnD this year. Not any other years, but must be this year. The very same reason why I must do Hall Annual Magazine this year as well. Not any other years, but must be this year.

Why is that so? For the Giants who have placed me on their shoulders, so that I could go as far as I have gone to today.

"If I have seen a little further,
it's by standing on the shoulders of Giants"
- Issac Newton.

digging up old dirt?

went to meet the my friends at UCC today, as the kids had MLDDS syf judging today. Didn't know that so and so was there, and he asked me some questions that made me very uncomfortable. Was it a dagger hidden behind the smile? I do not know. Was it a follow up to what happened last year? I suspect so.

But like I told G, it's not a matter of pride. What I did may seem like a rash act to some of you, but it wasn't. It was thought over, I mulled over it for several days. I thought of various plans, alternatives, since the day I got myself involved in it. I weighted the cost, the risk, all those that you all have mentioned. But why do I still do it?

2 words: Guilt and Regret. These are 2 things in life that I cannot live with. I can't go on thinking "if only I had done this...". If I didn't try, i wouldn't know. That's why I did it. It failed. I'm aware of the consequences it brings, and I accepted it.

But I'll rather suffer the consequences, than the guilt and regret. It's not selflessness, it's for my self.

I'm selfish. I don't want to live with guilt and regret, that's all. Life is too short for "if onlys".

If only you saw what I saw, you would agree that it's something wonderful enough to do what I did.

it's exactly 7th year now.

7 years ago, 10 mins before this time, a phone rang.
7 years ago, 10 mins before this time, we rushed down.
7 years ago, at this time, you flew away.
7 years ago, 10 mins later, I saw peace on your face

today is year 7

Today is year 7. Since you flew away.

"You can fly so high,
keep your gaze upon the sky
i'll be praying every step along the way

Even though it breaks my heart
to know we'll be so far apart

I love you too much to make you stay,
Baby, Fly Away"


i don't wish you to see how i am now
or how are we now.
cause it means you hasn't let go of us yet.
if you had, i'm glad.
if you hadn't, please do.

it's time for you to fly away.
we're all fine.

yes, i may tear a little,
miss you here and there,
have a little regret here and there,
but we're ok.

I'm ok.
i love you too much to make you stay.
Fly away.

a little regret

Looking at the people who joined FWOC, i felt a little regret that i didn't apply to join this year. so many of the people in hall, whom i want to work with, learn from, get to know better and hopefully, be closer friends are in fwoc. doesn't help when what i've been anticpating for this holiday (i.e go back to for relief teaching) isn't quite confirmed now.

but i guess it all goes back to fate. either i'm fated to know them through other means, or not to know them at all. or i'm destined to know another gorup of people instead.

then again, like i can get into fwoc in the first place. :P