whatever happened to

"Ah, I'm scared I'll retain. I should have worked harder. If I get promoted, I will work hard to catch up."

Now you are complaining you have to come back to school for extra lessons for 3 weeks, which is aimed at helping you to catch up with your sec 3 work.

Shame on you. Shame on all of you who are back to your lazy ways. You don't have next year to catch up, and you are complaining when it has barely started? Whatever happened to all the grand plans you made to catch up for next year? Oh I forgot. You were scared that you will get retained then. But when you knew you got promoted, it seems like all those fear and regret disappeared along with your grand plans. Either that or you more or less said "Screw you" in the faceof your grand plans.

You think that your teachers are so free? They have so much more to plan and prepare for next year. They are more tired than you, yet they worked hard to give you quality materials and teaching. They don't need to do all these extra lessons if your results are much better.

Good luck to you next year, all those lazy ones. Let's hear you regret for when your O'level results are released.

Those who are working hard now, keep up the effort and spirit! But give yourself a good break after the weeks of exra lessons too. I'm sure you will reap the fruits of yoru labour eventually, and leap for joy when you get your O'level results.

only a mac fan will get this

This is so cute-ly funny.

how much they have grown

2 of my hall mates drop by my room a few hours ago. They were looking at the pics of kids and dis taken with me on my last day last year, that was pinned up on my board facing my table. I was telling them, those photos were taken last year, and I showed them my wall paper, telling them "these were taken recently".

Then it struck me.

How much they have grown.

Now when I look at the photo taken last year, other than sighing over how much weight I've gained over this 1 year plus, it struck me how kiddish and child like they were, and how much they have grown this year. All of them looked so much more matured, though some, esp my dis still keep their impishness. I relooked at their mug shot which was arranged according to class. It didn't strike me how childish they look then, and how much more matured they look now.

In a few hours time, it would be time for me to start my unexpected last day. Monday had been a pretty normal life of a student. I thought I've adapted back pretty quickly.

But the quiet moments bring me back to them.

I miss them.

way back into nus

it seems like the best way to transit back into full-time nus life is to be thrusted right into the week where most of your projects are due. You would be so busy researching and writing reports that technically, you don't have the time to think about what you transisted from. All you know is that you have to clear the backlog you have accumulated and have just been shoved right into.

Unfortunately, that doesn't really work for me. I'm most inspired to write near the deadline, and tend to spend more time reading around and shopping for ideas to write - something which I have perfected further thanks to tight deadlines as a relief teacher. Doesn't help when your lifestyle now is not much different from being a relief-teacher which can be summarised into 3 words - busy, busy and busy.

I've decided not to blog about the end of my stint, till my really last day.

Some habits die hard. I nearly set the alarm to wake up early tomorrow. Almost put my formal clothes aside for ironing. Checked my iCal to confirm tomorrow's time table.

And i'm still worrying about them. Not sleeping yet, despite having lessons tomorrow? How's your appeal? Hope what I'm doing now could give you merit to help in your appeal.

It takes time i guess.

not really last day last day

yesterday was my last day....well not really after all. Departmental meeting was postponed to tuesday. Though I was given the choice of passing my stuff to the coordinator and she'll pass it on to the necessary people, I chose to come for the meeting instead. I have something that I must do to their next year teacher, in person. My head is required, their feet is needed.

But it was the last school day for my kids and dis as well. Well, not really again cause they have to come back for 2 weeks of lessons, as most of their results are less than ideal.

Anyway, I met my dis and talked to them one by one. The closest one finally opened up, saying that he was busy, hence didn't reply. (sic) busy watching movies and gaming. Then again, I was like that when I was a teenager - not knowing that my non-reply could be interprated and cause worry to other people. Perhaps that's retribution. He did seemed guilty, when I told him he made me really worried, wondered if something happened to him or whether I've offended him. But his usual "act cool" and blurness concealed the guilt further.

Anyway, my dis. There is nothing you could do, that will change the way I feel about you. Unless you don't want this kor (not gore), which I'm perfectly fine with. Be it ups, be it down. Be it when you do the right thing, be it when you do the wrong thing. You're still my di, for as long as I can look out for you.

自你离开踏出大门
我不能吃不能睡手脚软
我坐在大厅等你到天亮
你无音无讯你没回返

your silence is making me worried.

distance

why is it so difficult,
for you to tetll me,
what i've done wrong?

why are you keeping your silence?

I felt like I'm talking to a totally different person. It seemes like whatever bond we have doesn't exist at all.

I told you, you can be frank with me. What did I do wrong?

Why this sudden distance?

You are, among all, the brother I loved most since last year. You were the one, with your maturity, who always understood and saw my intentions behind my actions. You were the one who's always so sensible.

You were the one whom we discuss at great lengths anything under the sun. You were the one who will turn to me.

You were the one who keep me motivated and inspired.

You were the one I worried the most last year, but now, the least of my worry. But now, I'm very worried about you. It seems like to me, you are going back your old ways and wasting all your efforts again. I want to talk to you, I want to find out what's wrong, I can't bear to see you regret anymore, like how you regretted not working hard last year and missing out all the opportunities now. Not when the stakes are much higher now.


But why the sudden silence?
why is it so difficult for you to tell me why?
Why are you avoiding me whenever I bring this up?

Why can't you tell me what did I wrong,
so that I can resolve?

It's ok if you don't see me as your brother.
It's ok if you want some distance between the both of us.
It's ok if you want me to shut the !@£$!£% up and leave you alone
Tell me please.
Tell me why.
Don't keep me guessing.
I'm alright with it.

Did you do something wrong, that you're worried it will upset me?
If that's the case, yes it would.
But this distance is upsetting and hurting me a lot more.

and now there is 5

Now I have one more "di". Well, guess we are rather close like brothers, but it was sorta official today.

But I seem to be having problems with one of my di. Avoiding me.

The closest one hurts most. Now I think i understood how mum must have felt when I was a teenager.

my cute brother

one of my 4 "brothers" asked me online today

bro: why you always call me "di"? How am I suppose to call you? "tian"(sky)?
me: -.-. "Di" as in Bro, not ground.
bro: oh. hehe.

5 more days

5 more days. I'm not looking forward to it.

歌曲：泪桥
歌手：伍佰 专辑：泪桥

无心过问你的心里我的吻
厌倦我的亏欠
代替你所爱的人
这个时候
我心落花一样飘落下来
顿时我的视线
失去了色彩

知道你也一样不善于表白
想想你的相爱编织的谎言懈怠
甜美镜头
竟也落花一样飘落下来
从此我的生命
变成了尘埃

寂寞的人
总是习惯寂寞的安稳
至少我们直线曾经交叉过

就像站在烈日骄阳大桥上
眼泪狂奔滴落在我的脸庞

Goodbye 628

I've always taken this wet market for granted. It has almost been the same since I grew up with it. No number of major renovations changed its layout, nor most of the hawkers and stall owners there. It is the only place in Singapore where I can find most of my childhood memories intact. The same hawkers, who watch me grow up (and side ways), with their familiar fare.

All it takes is a few hours for it to be wiped out.



L-R: Very good vegetarian stall, drink stall, fish soup stall

Sigh

I'll have to say I love you in a song

Well, I know it's kinda late, I hope I didn't wake you
What I gotta say can't wait, I know you'd understand
'Cause every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you, in a song

]Yeah, I know it's kinda strange, every time I'm near you
I just run out of things to say, I know you'd understand
'Cause every time I try to tell you, the words just came out wrong
So I have to say I love you, in a song
'Cause every time the time was right all the words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you, in a song

Yeah, I know it's kinda late, I hope I didn't wake you
But there's something that I just gotta say, I know you'd understand
Every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you, in a song

You guys deserved someone better.

"never had someone with so much good intentions done so much harm"
- can't remember who commented on US's invovlement in the Vietnam War

I used to mock US for their invovlement in Iraq and Vietnam.

I have not right to do so now. Cause I too have done more harm than good.

numb

stab me once, I feel the pain
stab me twice, double the pain,
stab me again,
and again,
and again,
and again,
and again.

I have no more feeling.

I don't know how to go to the class tomorrow.

went to the canteen at 1pm searching for lunch. What I found instead were my bros, waiting for one of them to finish his coursework. Rare of them to stay back - cause they are always the one who leave school first.

Had a nice chat with them. It doesn't revolve around school work - it doesn't revolve around geography - it doesn't revolve around exam.

It felt good. I felt closer to them.
Just like what it always has been.

I didn't find my lunch.
But I found something I appreciate more.

------------
Didn't intend to go to school tomorrow as it is marking day.
Turns out they are taking the department photo tomorrow,
and my boss says that I must be there to take photo with them.
So nice of her, to take photo with a bunch of collegues,
whom I learnt a lot from, had so much joy working with,
sadly, most of us are going our own separate ways at the end of this year.
I wonder if I would get to take photo with my special classes too?
Then again, I'm not their form teacher or co-form teacher.

Boss told me that my plans to have lessons didn't pass those residing in Mount Meru in my school. So after this week, I wouldn't have any formal lessons with them.I guess I have to find another way to give them my last lesson.
I don't want my last lesson with them to be about how horrible they did for their end of years, how much they have dissapointed me, how much I hope they have learnt their lesson etc.

I want it to be a lesson about life.
I want to say goodbye properly.
I want to tell them,
I still love them, despite the dissapointment,
and how special they are to me.

insecure

I have this nagging insecurity about me and my bros.

Somehow, it feels like,
they don't consider me as their elder brother anymore,
heck, probably not even in the first place.

They no longer talk to me about what they use to talk about,
rather, conversation has always been revolving around geog and school.
My attempt to ask how are they,
always felt awkward and short.
The converesation they initiate,
seems to revolve around their test, exams, or asking me to help them look for / tell mr/mrs/mdm/ms XYZ.

Perhaps they don't feel comfortable.
Or they don't feel that close to me after all.
Perhaps it's just my wishful thinking,
and something for them to use to get benefits.

If any of my bros read this,
yes, this kor of yours is a insecure person.
I'm not doubting you.
I just need confirmations, affirmations, whatever "tions".
All along I'm a person who is reserved by nature,
and given my status,
I can't ask you all this question openly.

I just need a confirmation.
It's ok if you say "I've not considered you as a elder brother"

Cause I don't have much time left with you all.

"There is nothing you could do,
that change the way I feel about you"
- Trailer of "Martian Child"

I still love them.

"I do not love him because he is good,
but because he is my little child"
- "The Judge" by Rabindranath Tagore

How could I forget my mantra.

But still am heartbroken

I've never felt so heartbroken before.

crying in the rain

They tell me,
it's not worth it.
"Your own studies is more important."

I tell them,
it's worth it.
They are trying hard
they have wasted 1 semester away.
If they continue to waste, how are they going to cope next year, when they are sec 4s?

She told me,
stop it, it is affecting your health.
I told her,
I'm doing it only till the end of term 3.
But it's been more than 3 weeks since term 4 started,
and I'm still doing it behind her back.

For 3/4 of this year,
I've been wanting to take them to this very day,
to make sure they do well, to make sure they are ready for next year

For 1/2 a year,
They were my priority
They have my love, they have my time,
over my health, my social life, my hall life, my reputation,
my commitments in hall, my relationship with the freshies,
my relationship with my fellow hall mates.
Some call me crazy.
Some call told me it's not worth it.
I say it is.

The day has finally come.
Everything came crashing down.
Just walking around, looking at the kind of answers,
it's upsetting enough.
Why didn't you listen, when I told you 3 weeks ago,
you need at least 1 weeek to prepare?
Why didn't you listen, when I went through that question,
cause something similiar is coming out?

How dare you come and tell me,
there is not enough time to prepare,
cause you have A-maths as well,
when I told you you need at least 1 week to prepare?

how dare you tell me you tried your best,
when you played last saturday away while you met your friends to study,
and didn't study, as you all didn't have the mood?

Why did you not listen,
when I told you so many times not to do it,
yet you still make the same bloody mistake?

Didn't you all felt bad about common test?
Didn't you all want to do well for EOY?
Why did you not listen to me?

Why?
Look at your answers.
Seems like you didn't study.

Look at your file
Where are your notes, which you said is better than the textbook?

Why do I bother giving up so much,
to teach, to make notes,
only for you to chuck it aside?

How dare you say that the other teachers
don't teach well, don't give good notes,
when you don't use the ones you find good in the first place?

How dare you complain that the other teachers don't care,
when they have given so much,
only for you to trample on it?

How dare you, revise right in front of me,
flip your notes for a few pages and decided not to study anymore?
you call that revision and trying your beest?

Why didn't I listen to them
When they told me it's not worth it.
Why apologise to me,
give me that guilty look,
only to do the same wrong thing,
over and over and over and over again.

I felt like I have wasted all my time, the whole half a year.
I should have cut most of you out, combine those who bother together,
and probably come back twice a week just to teach them,
those who bother to study, listen and learn.

Why did I even bother thinking how to say goodbye to you all?
Why do I even want to take you all till the end of this term?
Why do I even bother asking for lessons after exam, so that next year you all have more time to study and prepare for o's?
when nothing will go in anyway.
Except for the few.

I no longer want to say goodbye anymore.
I just want to disappear.
Probably goodbyes to the few, who deserve proper closure from me.

Whatever plans I have,
to make my last lesson with you a important life lesson, like last year,
to make my last lesson be a time to tell you all,
how much I'm thankful, how much I cherish, I much I love you all,
why do I even bother.

don't ask me why is there water stains on your papers.
Yanjie, you're an idiot.

"If I wait for cloudy skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know that I still love you
So though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain "