why wait

This is gonna be one hell long of a post. But it is something close to me, that is why it's so blardy long. So if you're looking for a laugh, come another day ok?

I've posted this question on my facebook the other day:

"Why is it that our social norms mould people to be emotionally constipated, even to our loved ones?"

Other than complains about how I phrased the question(sorry, that's the negative effects of reading too much academic writings at one go), I was struck by this answer from one of my friends:

"I prefer things left unsaid ... less is more sometimes. I would rather my loved ones to feel my love then to let me tell them ..."

Hence, it all goes back to my question : Why is it so difficult for us to say "I love you" or "I appreciate you" or to tell our loved ones: family, quasi-family, friends etc. how much we love and appreciate them? Why is it so difficult for us  to express such emotions and to tell them how important they are to us, and hence the emotional constipation?

It's especially worse for a guy to tell that to another guy. There is always this fear of it sounding "gay" or breaking that tough image that a guy suppose to have.

Why this outburst from me then?

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7 years and 8 months ago, 2 weeks before my father left, the doctor said that all his organs have failed, and he "could go any time". He was constantly unconscious, at most, semi-conscious.

My father is the typical Asian father. Silent, quiet, guards his emotions, I know the caning and fierce side of him more than any other facets of him. He never told us how important we are to him, he never told us how much he love us.

During that 2 weeks, whenever he was semi-conscious, he would look at us, and always tried to say something. But nothing came out of his mouth.

It struck me: What are you trying to say? Why didn't you say it earlier when you can? Why only say it now when you can't?

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Fast forward to today. Well, Nigel Thrift talked about the idea of "affect" - which is basically expression of emotions, which can affect other people's emotion, materialised in a form, and how it is transmitted digitally today. 

I chance upon 5 blogs and a facebook account dedicated to the 5 dragon boaters, who lost their life in the recent tragedy. So much outpouring and accumulation of "affects" on those blogs. The facebook account of one of the dragon boaters was an exceptional example of how sudden the lost is. His status was set as "away till monday", while his wall of his profile is flooded with tributes from his friends.

Everyone was saying how sudden it is, how much a lost it is, how wonderful they have been, how important they have been, how much they love them, how much of their lives have been touched by them etc.

Quite a few mentioned, if only they could tell them all these earlier.  Especially this one,

"WHY do we need to have something like this to happen before everyone realized or start pouring out how great he/she is/was.. how much we will remember them for... how long they'll stay in our hearts etc etc etc "

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A lot of times, we forgot how fragile life is, and how much we have taken everyone around us for granted. No amount of national tragedies, nor no amount of personal tragedies of our friends will drive that into us. 

But at least do yourself, and your loved ones a favour - tell them how much you love them, how important they are to you. Don't end up like my father, who can't say it when he wants to. Nor me, who wants to say it, but he can' t hear it. 

My last lesson last year and this year with my kids and dis, is not geography. I made it a point to teach them this one lesson which I think is darn important. After that, I made it a point to tell them how much I love them. 

At the beginning of the term 4, I planned to say all during my last lesson with them at the last week of school, taking it for granted that they will all be there for the last lesson  But well, it was post exams - in many cases, only half the class appeared for school. One class was siphoned to run some events, leaving only 3 of them attending my last lesson then. Turns out many whom I want them to hear, aren't around to hear it.

True, actions speaks louder than words. I even told one of my dis - those who love you are not those who say it, but those who show it. You can show your love through actions, your loved ones can feel it, but nothing is more affirming than complementing such actions with a affirming "I love you". After all, actions, feelings, they are all very subjective. Nothing is more affirming that when you say it after you show it.

That is why my friend, whom I quoted at the start of the post, you went on cloud nine when your niece said she love you right?

a need to look at the adjectives one use

ST today gave me a very enlightening view on the (mis)use of adjectives!

About the MDA clip on H3

"Many Netizens praised the civil servants for daring to be different, but felt they were trying too hard to be cool"

I didn't know that the majority calling them "out of touch with the ground", "cannot stand it", "cringe worthy", "I wonder where did all the taxes go to" is called "praising to be different". I learn today that "cringe worthy" is "trying too hard to be cool!

About a dog that was attacked by 5 rottweilers, Prime 3

"My dogs are usually friendly. They bark only when somebody disturbs them or when a stranger comes near the gate" - Mr Japinder Singh, the owner of the dogs

So if I were to stay in a private estate, and scream at every Tom Dick and Harry who comes near my gate, am I considered friendly then? 

Since your dog barks at any stranger who goes near the gate, and by inference, them, when in the world are they friendly then, other than to you?

zombie

I've yet to even take my 2nd out of 5th paper, yet I feel like a zombie already. Feeling really sick about the exams. I've never felt so repulsed about examinations before. No, not even O'levels and A'levels are that repulsive. 

But what is it about exams here that makes it so sickening?  

Here are some of the possible reasons I can think of

1. Like snowflakes, barely anyone is similar. It is near 0% chance that any 2 person takes at least 3-same modules in one semester, and that they know each other(at least for Arts Faculty). In another words, your study partner, hall neighbours, are studying as well. You may be studying together physically, but mentally, far apart - unlike during O's and A's, where you get to discuss and share notes and do common work. Out of the 5 modules I take this semester, only 1 module has someone else in hall taking it as well. 
2. A lot more work. One module of content feels like the entire A'level syllabus (at least to me)
3. Almost everyone you know ends on a different day. Even if its the same day, different time. It's not like in the past where you get to plan the same post exam activities to do the same things together. Eg: Watch a certain movie, burn notes (i'm kidding about that)

Back to listening to my lecturer speaking at 2X her normal speed.

"you're growing faster with every

minute, second, photograph.

I wish I could spend more time with you......"

my kids II

I had a break from revision, and was reading through some of my older posts. I posted one last year about my kids(yes, I hear you saying "Your kids AGAIN? "). 

It's been more than one year. Quite a bit of things have change since then. Here's my reflection on it now.

Monday, November 06, 2006
my kids
"I've realised how much my kids have grown, and how much I've missed them"

John asked me the other day on MSN, after seeing my MSN nick(as stated above) "Yanjie you got kids ah?"
Me: Yah. "Kids". They are wonderful kids.

Indeed. I thought after a few months of lectures, tutorials, projects, lessons, hall life, making new friends, meeting new people, I would get over missing them. How wrong I was.

Mad rush with production and HAM in last semester didn't change anything either. Upcoming exams, projects rush, hasn't change anything either. I still miss them, a lot.

The other day, Yijie invited me to 2E4s chalet. As much as i wanted to stay for a night or 2, I couldn't due to my workload. She told me to pretend that I couldn't make it, so I had to lie to those who asked I was coming.

And as I talk to them, I realise how much they have grown since i left on 21 July.

Their topics have changed. It's no longer about Teen Titans or Dota. Now it's about their subject combination, how am I coping.

They have continued to grow, mature even more. :D

They have grown. Many are much taller now.(duh you would say. Puberty mah) Shanqi can't help but pride that he has reached my nose. I tell him to be proud only when I have reached his nose, while Joshua and Sweehin pride themselves that they have grown from slightly below my shoulder to slightly higher from my shoulder.
They no longer do that though. But both of them can still be as impish and cheeky, but rarely nowadays. Their cheeky and impish days always bring a smile to my face whenever I think about it, and I was glad when I took a photo with them this year, it captured that in their smile. I would be lying if I were to say that I don't miss them being impish and cheeky, but hey. Everyone grows up. 

I'm happier with the fact that they've grown up to be fine young gentlemen who are more matured and sensible.

They are more capable. If I didn't tell you Yijie is 14, you would think that she's some businesswoman. Ear piece stuck permanently in her ear, handphone in the pocket, she would call up her classmates when they disappear to check on them, or to make arrangements for the BBQ.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the privilege of teaching her this year to know.  :( But i see more of those who I get to teach becoming more sensible and self-motivated.  :)

They no longer squabble over all the small little childish things or chasing after each other round everywhere. They were actually BBQing together and coopearting.
And their squabbles have take on a more adult manner - back stabbing, out bitching etc. It's not a good thing. sigh. More complex issues plague them - BGR, emotional issues etc.

and I realise how much I have missed them. I missed the days teaching them, joking around with them. Missed the days where i would feel like a proud parent whenever anyone of them go on stage to collect some prizes, missed the days where i would feel very very upset whenever anyone of them broke the school rules. Missed the days where we had fun, missed the days they made me very angry and upset.

Yeh. As I said, the last lap may be a major disappointment, but they have brought me a lot more joy over all. 

When I was about to leave, I just silently told Yijie that I have to go. No longer do I hear immature pleas of asking me to stay. They have grown matured enough to understand. And studdenly, and quietly, they stop their games and walked me to the gate, despite me telling them not to do so. Joshua and gang went on further, wanting to send me to the bus stop. I appreciate that gesture of appreciation, but it's late.

They are less open in showing their emotions now though. Well, I was like that too as I grow up. I have to accept that and stop misunderstanding their restrain.

I'm lucky to have taught them. They are such wonderful kids. They may not have the best results in the world, or the best behaviour. But they will always have a special place in my heart. Even if they forgot who this Mr is, they will always bring a smile to my face whenever I think of them.

They still are wonderful and have a special place in my heart. Yeh, they still bring a smile on my face whenever I think of them.

Somehow, I felt as though as I had experienced what it is like to be a parent.

I think this part has changed the most.

I can no longer view some of them as my kids. They have matured a lot more, became a lot more sensible. I wouldn't do them justice if I call them "kids".

Especially my Dis (younger brothers). Yeh. The 5 of them. I've had close juniors who I know for a few years, close to some of the kids at centres that I volunteered at before. Yet, I never felt like I was a elder brother to anyone. Never had I felt that I have a younger sibling, or worry for one, look out for for one like they are my younger sibling. Never had i promised to anyone that I'll look out for them for as long as I can, nor have I promised to anyone that I will be there for as long as I can. Not in the capacity of anything, not even as a elder brother.

Never to anyone, except the 5 of them. 

I've also learnt to loosen up, showing a bit more of my affection. Like I told one of my Di "It's time I take photo with you all as your brother, not as someone who distance himself because he is worried what a little sign of affection like putting my hands over your shoulder during photo taking might be interpreted as."

Was watching Naruto Shippuden the other day, and the part from 3:58(-5:41) to 5:02(-4:37) is the closest to what I feel.
 

=============================================

hod humanities from my alma mater called today, asking if i'm interested to relief for them, as they are facing a serious shortage. Yeh, I've heard about their shortage. But things have changed, for me.

If you were to ask the yanjie last year, before he reliefed in this school, he would love to serve his alma mater. In fact, he dreamed about going back to either his secondary school alma mater or jc alma mater to  be a perm teacher there, so that he can contribute back to his alma mater.

He wanted to relief there before he went to NUS. Unfortunately, he ORDed a month later than most of his peers, and by the time he can join his alma mater, all the slots are filled up. That was when he searched for a alternative and luckily, found an opening in this school. If you asked him then, he would give you an immediate yes.

But the yanjie today no longer has this dream. Now he only dream that his dis and special batch do well for O's, go as far as possible in life and fulfil their dreams. The yanjie today finds it difficult to face new students in his alma mater, or in any other schools, while wondering how his dis and special batch is doing in school.  In fact, he's still struggling if he should relief for one of the kaks next year, who will be away for one month. Though he'll get to see his special batch again, is that one month going to benefit them? Or would it be better for them if the other Kak is stretched further to cover for her? After all, both of them are a lot more experience and caring. It's only when the graduate, then he'll lose his final reason to go back to this school. 

The yanjie today no longer dreams of being a teacher that contributes to his alma mater at the same time. He has different dreams today - one of them has got to do with his special batch. It is his dis and his special batch that drove him, even to the point of doing things that everyone else calls it "crazy" - reliefing while studying, staying up late at night etc.

He can't even find that drive to do the same for students of other batches from that school. What makes you think he has the drive to do the same for students from another school? 

Yeh, one shouldn't be too emotionally attached to his or her students.

But this is what I learnt from watching Naruto and Bleach, which I agree - it's only when you try to protect people important to you, that will bring out all that's in you.

coffee club

Mr C and another 3 of us used to have this "coffee club" while we were in JC. Usually, it is after major events on fridays or weekends where most of us would have dinner at West Mall, and settle down in Coffee Club and Tea Leaves in West Mall. This is where we will talk about things that happen among us, things that happened during the event and almost everything under the sun. The last time we did this, was right after our A level results were out I think.

The other day, I messaged Mr C to enquire how's he in his new school. He mentioned that he missed the coffee club. I realised I missed it as well. When I "jioed" the other 2 members, we all realise one thing - it's been quite a while since we had "coffee club" meetings and we are missed it terribly.

So we met yesterday. Had a talk that went on and on, and the good old times are back.

Mr C, You have always been rather quiet. Even though you didn't say it, I know how you feel.
I know the feeling of missing students that you are closed to, but you can't initiate outings because of your position.
I know the feeling of wondering how are your closer students doing, because they have not contacted you for a quite a while.
I know the feeling of seeing how your students change and grow.

You didn't say it. But I could feel it.

We shall have a coffee club meeting soon. Things are easier now since you have a car, right? hehe.

some things

alright. I know I have been talking about how much I miss my bros and kids over and over again to the point that my blog posts are beginning to resemble Sumiko Tan's column. But I can't help it, cause they're quite a big part of my short life?

Elder Brother (biological) and I had a major argument with mum last week. She interpreted our tone as being pissed with her, and she's upset that she don't know what else to do, when we are not.

It dawned upon me how much it parallels the situation I had with J a few weeks back. I realise I might have been over-sensitive and over interpreted his actions and tones, to the point that damn me, my insecurity didn't trust this brother of mine enough. In another words, I'm doing to my little brother what my mum is doing to me.

I held back my analysis and stop interpreting anything.

But I can't help but interpret today's conversation. Cause it's very much how we always talked. :)

This di of mine is getting older and more matured. He's no longer that playful kid that I need to look out for him all the time. As much as I want to see him succeed, I have learn how to give him more trust and intervene less.

dear god

D: Hey cher. here's a song dedicated to you.
me: stop calling me cher lah. I'm no longer one. What about this song?
D: It's by a hard rock band. But you know, all bands have their soft moments.
me: phew. ok, I'm reading the lyrics now. Hey it seems more like for you leh. What miss her etc.
D: No. Replace all the "her" and "you" with "them" and "they"

*after a while*
me: Thanks D. Now it really says what I'm feeling. You know me. :D
D: That's why I dedicate to you what.

Hey D (yeh, I don't want to give out your full name here for your privacy). I know you might be reading this. Remember you asked me if there were any songs that moved me to tears, and I told you there were only 2 so far?

One is "Fly Away" by Corrinne May, because its accuracy in saying what I feel about my father. The other is "My Little Nephew" by Corrinne May (Again), cause of its accuracy in saying what I feel about seeing you all grow so much.

Now you've found the 3rd song that have moved me to tears. Thank you very much.

PS: I might even modify the lyrics further! Frorm Dear God to Dear Kaks!


Avenged Sevenfold - Dear God

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

reasons for leaving

student x: cher, why are they so many good teachers leaving ?? sec?
student y: aiyah. must be because of the students lor. we all sux what.
me: oh trust me. The students here is what makes it difficult for the teachers to leave.

a little revamp

I've edited my wallpaper, to replace some photos, and of course, so that it will place more emphasis on my 5 dis (younger brother). Have also printed a new photo and added the thai cloth I've won from the workshop last week to my bedside in hall.

from l: lamp, a printout of my new wallpaper, my 5 bros with the chinese character "di", and my co-form class last yr

While I was editing the wallpaper, I realise I miss them a lot.

It has been 2 weeks. Life here has gotten very boring. True, I'm less tired. But I find myself more zombified. True, I don't need to deal with office politics,(ok, there are some politics in hall). True, I don't need to travel up and down, rush to lectures, etc.

But it is just plain boring without them.

I miss them a lot. I miss how I look forward to enter their class. I miss the joy of seeing them understanding something. I miss their laughter, their crap, their cheekiness. I miss the times where we have recess together.

This stint was a lot more roller-coastery. I'm not a temporary replacement for their perm teacher - I'm in charge of them. Hence, I've tried a lot more things, implemented a lot more things, without needing to worry how they transit back after I leave, like last year. Pushed them harder, but I got closer to them.

The few who were closer to me since last year, especially the one who I fought for last year, have become so much closer, to the point that I've started to worry for them and love them like they are my own younger brothers. It was tough that I have to maintain my profesisonalism in class, bearing the pain of punishing them when they get into trouble with me. But i'm glad that they understood and is sensible enough, that I'm their teacher in class, brother outside of it.

I came back this year to seek closure. But when it was time to close, it was way harder than I thought it would be. Kak Z told me, in every teachers' career, there will be a "special batch". Most of the time, this "special batch" would be the one you see to graduation, and they will be the ones who continue to inspire and motivate you for many years to come.

I've found my special batch. It's them. Unfortunately, I can't see them to their O's. It's better that I don't. I'm not half as experienced as any of the other perm teachers in school. They are a lot more caring, a lot more inspiring, and care a lot more. These are the kind of teachers they need, not me. I would love to see them through their next stage of life. Unfortunately, most likely, I'll be on exchange when they get back their O's results. Sigh.

There are much opportunities for me to go back next year. After all, they are severely shorthanded. But I doubt I can find the energy to do what I did when I'm no longer taking my special batch. Collegues after collegues leave, my closer bosses are leaving next year too. Is there any point in going back anymore, other than the few collegues and kaks left behind? Things would be a lot more different. Even if I were to go back, I doubt I would be given the same amount of trust as well.

I have made up my mind, and there are only 2 things that will make me return to this school to be their staff once more. One, my return has DIRECT benefits to my special batch. As for the second one, I can't reveal it here, but it has got to do with my special batch as well.

The Calvin and Hobbes applicaiton on my facebook showed this quote " If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care nothing matters so you are never upset.". It reminds me a lot about what Kak K told me - don't get emotionally affected, or you'll be disappointed.

But I guess Calvin forgot that, despite all the disappointment, the joyful times makes it all worth it. If you don't care, nothing matters, and you wouldn't get the joy either. I'll just work on not letting myself feel disappointment instead.

My special batch, yes, the last lap, have brought me a lot of disappointment. But that doesn't change how I feel about you all, nor does it make me forget all the joyous times we have. My only regret is that I didn't benefit you guys much.

Go as far as you can in life, because you can go far. I know many of you wouldn't remember or think of me, but it doesn't matter to me. I didn't teach to be remembered. All I want, is that if I ever bump into you in the future, you are doing what you want to do, leading a happy successful life. Yes, I will continue to think of you and miss you all for a long time to come.

My dis, one of you asked me why I didn't include x or y or z as my di as well. I can't answer this question, cause I don't know the answer. But I will continue to be your older brother, for as long as you see me as one.

a shamelessly ripped off post

If it this is my project, my professor would have considered me as plagarising.

Here's a huge chunk of a post by roamer.


"Indeed, the school environment has changed at an exponential rate over the last decade. When I chatted with a teacher who's retiring at the end of this year, he said that schools have changed too much over the past few years - so fast that he can no longer cope - the extra work to be done besides teaching, the shift in students' attitude... Instead of gratitude, many feel like they're customers and we 'owe' them a service. When we don't accede to their 'requests', some of them can get very vindictive - just read some students' blogs and you can easily find students showering expletives and derogatory nicknames on their teachers. A few will even call these out at teachers face-to-face. (I remember in the past even the worst-behaving student would still show respect for their teachers.) Students now talk about 'rights' and about how teachers should respect them - I've heard colleagues who've come across students who told them, "If you want me to respect you, you'll have to show respect for me first." The more law-savvy ones may even find excuses to sue their teachers in court - just look at the alarming number of such cases in the recent years. How can teachers feel secure with showing care for their students when even simple acts of concern can be twisted to become lewd acts of indecency?

Recently, my student asked me to meet her under her block after my invigilation duties to answer her questions on Physics as her place was just beside the school where I was invigilating. Her classmate (another girl) came along too, and we studied for a while until we realised there're many flies around and the place really wasn't very conducive for studies. The girl suggested that we went up to her place. When I asked whether her parents were at home, she said only her younger sister was in. I vacillated for the while with the idea of being alone with THREE GIRLS without other adults around. It really sounded like a scenario which might get me into trouble. However after much persuasion, I finally conceded - the girls were afterall 'good' students, and their O level exam was on the following day - I doubt I have anything for them to seek revenge for anyway.

I have been very cautious with going to students' house. If I remember correctly, that was only the second time I went to a student's house after all these years of teaching - the first time was several years ago when I went to a boy's place with a bunch of other boys to celebrate the end of a school year. At that time, I thought going to a boy's house wouldn't have much implications, until those lawsuit cases started appearing in the papers. I don't know when and why the relationship between teachers and students have become so strained - I'll even hesitate before putting my hand over my students' shoulders during photo shoots. Is that the result of teachers with bad conduct? Or of vindictive students who are too badly pampered by their obliging parents?

If teachers (and school) and students are able to trust each other, none of these will be a problem at all. It used to be nice and peaceful when I was a student. So what went wrong over the years?"

I myself witnessed how some 15 year old can curse and swear at me on their blogs, but smile and "tair" when they want something from me. Where did they learn such plasticness?

rain

November just came and it's started to rain cats and dogs. Looks like the monsoon season is coming early this year. Either that or Mother Nature is faking again.

It's always been my favourite time of the year. Not that the weather is wonderful for sleeping, but the poetry written by the splattering of rain, is what triggers my memories. What better way to end the year than to look back before you start a new one?

I have yet to write a proper post about my last day to close this chapter properly. Let me clear my last report first. Darn the migration newspaper project! It cost $30+ just to print 10 sides of A3 paper and to saddle stitch them! Prof Yeoh better give us an A!!!

human

I was watching "HIstory Boys" as a celebration to the end of my projects. After 15 mins into the film, I had to stop the film to tune my mindset and rewatch it.

No, it's not the British accent.

It's because the teachers in the film are pretty real.

Too many films out there, glosses the teaching profession. All the teachers in those films seem saintly and inspire all those around them, change the world of the students etc.

But this film, it shows something really real: Teachers are human too.

Yes, teachers are human too. They have character flaws too. Some don't have a life too. Some smoke, some have to close one eye, etc.

They are insecure too. They have to be cautious, cause any students that come too close, could backstab them or use them. Some might stir your emotions, only to make use of your weakness to benefit them.

It is always a gamble showing your more human side to students that seem close to you, or giving a portion of yourself to them. You never know how they will deal with it. Or mould it into something to stab at your back.

That is why we are always cautious. You never know.

To call you my brother, putting my hand on your head, or over your shoulder while taking a photo, takes a lot of courage on my side. I'm already a insecure person, all these makes me even more insecure about it.