away

will be away for a month.

the day the cow got shocked

it was a dark and stormy night. ok cliche. cut!

it was just another night at 3am, where the old cow was roaming around the pastures trying to arrange layout the hay nicely for some magazine. one little monkey suddenly came, visibly upset.

it broke the heart of the cow too. the cow knows that this monkey has always pushed himself hard, but it was upsetting to hear how the monkey has so much fear, and how much pressure he has placed on himself.

the cow was shocked. he don't know how to react. all the cow hoped is that what he said helped.

but the cow is glad to hear about the monkey smiling today.

a change in blog name

where did this new blog name come from?

i was reading "sir fong" and "sir fong 2", and otto fong was describing why he drew his students as bunnies - because his first batch of students are borned in the year of the rabbit.

though it isn't the first time i've read about that, this image suddenly struck me this time. an old cow chewing grass while monkeys jumping and smiling around him.

it's not difficult to conjure up that image. i'm born in the year of a cow, and given my size and facial expression sometimes, i do look like that old cow chewing grass in that mental image. on the other hand, my kids and dis are borned in the year of the monkey. everytime i think of them or look at their class photos, i think of monkeys  - in a good way of course! intelligent, cute, and very very very creative. little wonder why i like them so much.

so since i talk about my kidds and dis all the time, i've decided to change this blog name to "the old cow and his mon-kids". of course, "mon-kids" being a lame and unsuccessful attempt to play with the words "monkey" and "kids", but you get the point.

i really like the mental image this new blog name conjures up - an old cow chewing grass looking indifferent, but at the same time, amazed and smiling inside at the monkeys that are jumping around him. will probably draw it out when i have the time.

shelter

glad to know that both of you are doing fine.
but if you need to,
you know where to find me.

here's a song for the two of you,
esp you, di.



Shelter
Corrinne May

What's wrong, whats getting you down
Is it something I might have said?
You're walking around
with your head to the ground
and your eyes are watery red

I know you've been through rough times
Kicked around, thrown to the ground
but you've always been the strong one
So don't tell me that nobody gets you
'cause I'm standing in your corner
Knocking at tour door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

We share a bond
You and I we belong
We're like coffee and morning trains
You strip my defenses
I catch your pretenses
The same blood runs through our veins
I swore I'd be your lifeline
Made a vow that I'd surround you with love at every milestone
I'll listen when nobody gets you
I'm still standing in your corner
Waiting by your door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

It was not too long ago
You sought to understand
You helped me mend
Remember when
So promise me you'll

Call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let my be your shelter my friend

post #300

i don't usually keep track on the number of posts i have. until just now, when i realised that this is my 300th post.

what can i say.

i moved to here towards the end of 2006. it chronicled my views on certain issues, my hall life, and my time with my kids and dis. looking back, all it is surreal to see how my view of hall life change. it is amusing to read about my time with my kids and dis, and realise how foolish i am sometimes. of course, those brought back a lot of good old memories.

one of my friend commented, that i'm thinking way beyond my age. frankly, i feel like i'm beyond my age too. somehow, i feel old. every time i think about my kids and dis, the image of them when they were sec 2 will always appear in my mind. then i realise it has been almost 2 years, and it past like that without me really feeling it. and then i feel old.

then i think about my ex-colleagues. i understand that one of my ex-colleague is leaving the school. reason? i'm not sure. but i just don't get it why he has to leave them when they are going to take their o's in a few months time. what's so urgent? if he's really leaving the school for what i think the reason is, i wouldn't be able to find the heart in me to forgive him.

and another ex-colleague of mine has tendered in her resignation. such a waste, that such a wonderful teacher who is ever so caring and committed to the kids have decided to leave the service, due to the circumstances - the very same circumstances that caused the exodus.

unknowingly, half a year is about to zoom pass me. before i know it, dis and kids are done with their o'level exams and they move on with life.

and then it will soon be my turn to enter the service.

will i persist on? i dunno. i want to, but realities, are difficult to say. the worse is that i join the dark side.

post #300. seems like it's very much the same crap that has been repeated and repeated over and over again in this blog.

tears inside

to keep another person strong,
one has to be stronger.

so it means even though the news saddens one,
one has to keep his tears inside,
hide the saddness that he has,
and put up a strong and happy front,
so that one can cheer up the other who's down.

but those are not enough.

i wish i know what to do,
or what to say,
to make you feel better.

tomorrow will be a brand new day

"tomorrow will be a brand new day"

- di (2008)

so much disappointing things are going on for you, and yet you brace yourself with so much optimism.

indeed, you will exceed me in life, di.

i'm here for you.

a really weird dream

mothers' day today. left the gift on mum's table so that she'll be surprised by it. i found myself having difficulty uttering "happy mothers' day". emotional constipation again.



on a unrelated note, i had a really weird dream today. i dreamt that i was invited to the home of one of my di where all his other friends were too. i asked my di, where do i place my bag? he said, with a sarcastic laugh, to place it at a dog window. then i heard him saying to his friend "cause that's where dog's stuff are placed."

soon after, i can't find my di anymore. i only see his friends, his family members, but not him.

and then i woke up.

weird.

packing

here i am packing up as i'm moving out of hall. frankly, i don't feel the sadness i felt when i moved out last year. yeh, i'll find it inconvenient to travel up and down for the next 2 weeks, but frankly? perhaps i'm used to the ebb and flow of people moving in and out of hall, that i'm numbed to it. perhaps i see more superficiality that i'm numb to it as well.

unexpectedly, i unearthed memories from my teaching days - teachers' day gifts, cards, surveys and feedback forms. I can't help but re-read every single one of them. till now i still can't believe one whole class find tombolos phallic. I mean, how? their different variations of drawings in the card doesn't seem to suggest why either.i also rediscovered the apology card that was given to me for walking out of the class. it was a little sad to re-read that, cause almost none of the promises made in the card was fulfilled, not even today i heard.

unknowingly, it's been more than half a year since i left there, and more than a year since i went back again as a full staff.

as i pack their class photos in, i can't help but realise that the memories have been unpacked.

at the crossroads once more

should i talk to kak about continuing the enrichment? i know i have to talk to her about the 2 of them. but the enrichment?

it's not as clear cut as what happened to the previous topic, where it is clear that so many people don't understand it. but this time, don't know leh. many people think that they know the topic, but from what i see, they do not know it deep enough or organise it properly to understand it better. hence, is there a need for enrichment, or it is something that 5-6 months of lessons will do the job?

i don't know.

have so much things colliding over the next 3 weeks. admin stuff for field studies, field studies lesson, admin stuff for exchange, move out of hall, hall webby, geosphere, and yet i still happily squeeze in my friend's website.

i totally have no ideas now.

a response

among the five dis i have, you are the last one i acknowledged to be my di. not that you're any less special - all along you've been kinda like a younger brother to me. just that you're the last one among the five that i formally acknowledge you as my "di". (for the uninitiated, we didn't swear brotherhood at the peach garden. ello! you're reading too much romance of the 3 kingdom if you think we did)

among the five of you, you're the one who's most open about your emotions. you are the one who is more willing to tell me what you think, share with me your problems and the only one among the five who acknowledge me as your "kor" through words.

i'm heartened to know that you appreciate it. but i want you to know that i appreciate it too. i appreciate that you push yourself real hard this year. i appreciate that you don't want to lag behind. you are putting in so much effort - how can i as your "kor" do nothing about it?

most importantly, i appreciate you, all 5 of you.

frankly it's never troublesome or a chore tutoring you. i always look forward to spending some time with any of the five of you. why do you think i'm the one who always ask when you want to meet up? :)though it breaks my heart to see you always so tired. please take care of yourself.

ello, your kor got sleep one lah. he's not a superman leh.

don't dedicate your last papers to me. i don't want to set expectations for you, and the last thing i want is for you is to study for me. all i want is that you do your best so that you wouldn't regret it in the future, and that you get to do what you want to do.

most importantly, what's most important to me is your happiness.

one of the best things that has ever happened to my life is to have my kids (all 120+ of them). what's even better is the 5 of you dis. many a times i look back and wonder - what have i done right in my previous life to deserve these wonders in my life?

the 5 of you especially - bring me a lot more joy than you know. :)

so don't say that you're troubling me.
the 5 of you- you're never a trouble, a chore, or a hassle.

you aren't heavy, you're my brother. :)
and as your kor, i love the 5 of you.
very much.
but i also know, the day will come,
where your wings will spread and fly away



The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another.

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

we should have such lessons

we should have such lessons for employers of domestic maids.

the pendulum swings

i have used this analogy many times i think - about the bonds between a teacher and his/her students and how it's like a pendulum.

the pendulum is akin to the state of the teacher. if you choose to be a more detached teacher, the pendulum is at the neutral position - doesn't swing forward, doesn't swing backward. no exhilaration, it doesn't bring you to the gratifying and joyful zone in front, but it doesn't swing back into the sadness and disappointments zone.

however, if you choose to be a teacher who is closer to his/her student, you've just swung the pendulum. it will bring you exhilaration, it will swing forward to a zone of joy and gratification, but it will inevitably swing to the zone of sadness and disappoint behind. the closer you are to your students, the greater the amplitude of the oscillation - greater joy, greater gratification, but greater sadness and disappoint is part of the package as well.

so far, i have chose not to let the pendulum remain in neutral position. i found extreme joy and gratification, and extreme sadness to the point i cried too. thrice to be exact, but never in front of them. when i cried out of helplessness and disappointment, i did ask myself - should i go for the neutral position instead? the answer is always a "no". i realised that it's the joy and gratification that drives me in teaching - i just need to learn how to cope when the pendulum swings to the back and make sure it doesn't hit me in the face.

today, i met up with two of my kids who asked me about geography. i have not taught them since 2006. but never did i expect to tear in front of them today.

why so? one of them talked about giving up on himself and no longer believing that his effort has any impact. those words broke my heart. no wonder there is this chinese saying - 哀莫大于心死 - the saddest thing in the world is when someone's heart dies.

i'm not sure what i said change anything. the last thing i want to do is to set and expectation and expect him to follow. i hope i didn't. i hope he believes in himself now and believe in his efforts. that's why you wanted to try again, right?

as long as you don't give up on yourself, you will always find people who don't give up on you either.

don't apologise to me. you didn't do anything wrong. those tears, it's not your fault. it's just part and parcel of the pendulum swinging, the price i have to pay for choosing this path. i have learnt to cope with it. i'm glad that you voice it out in fact.

don't lose hope. hold fast to what you want to do in life.

a shoutout to all those in love

if you're going to send a mushy message to your other half, please check that you are going to send the message to the right person. please don't freak us out/cause us to shiver/ cause us to feel disgusted by sending the message to the wrong person i.e. anyone else other than your other half.

it's quite a traumatic thing to see unexpected mushy message, especially when you're not in the lovey-dovey mood

a shoutout to another of my di

i know you understand why i scolded you this morning, and that you are aware of my intentions.

but i'm not irritated nor pissed off. i'm actually worried.

i've always looked forward to meeting you almost every week. to spend some time with you, to help you with your work, to know how you are doing. but deep down inside, i'm worried that i'm doing more harm than good.

why so? cause if you rely too much on me, you will not be an independent learner. you will not have the confidence to trust what you've just learnt and studied and think on your own two feet.

for the past semester, i was quite heartened that it wasn't the case. you've always done your work, tried to search for the answer on your own - only when you can't, then u would ask me.

but this morning, it wasn't the case. things are laid out there for you to read and understand, but you didn't and asked me to explain it to you. it wouldn't do you good if i explain to you without you reading up first.

explanations are only effective when you have tried to make sense of it on your own but can't. it's like playing a rubik cube - if you have never touched the cube before and dive straight to using certain methods, it wouldn't be as fun and satisfying compared to you yourself figuring it out first right?

it's like when i was trying to learn the thai fiddle this semester. the teacher didn't tell me how to hold it - only after i tried on my own for like an hour plus, did she correct my posture and stuff. it's only when i tried to figure out on my own did i realise why i shouldn't do it and why her method is better.

so as long as you've tried but don't understand, it's fine that you ask me. but if you didn't even read it before you ask me, i don't think that i'm doing you a service if i explain to you directly.

you're my di. you're never a bother nor a chore to me.

*ruffle your head*