cover

blood on the streets
fingers pointing
grenades flying
knifes awaiting
guns aiming

whatever happened to love and tolerance?
yet we chose to blind ourselves
with power and our interpretation of morality.

what are we giving our next generation?



"......If all the people around the world
they had a mind like yours
We'd have no fighting and no wars
There would be lasting peace on earth

If all the kings and all the leaders
Could see you here this way
They would hold the earth in their arms
They would learn to watch you play

Oh my sleeping child the world's so wild
But you've build your own paradise
That's one reason why
I'll cover you sleeping child"

forgiveness

are we able to forgive the people
who hurt us in the past
or our loved ones?




went to watch "muallaf" today. would love to be at the q&a session with yasmin ahmad and the cast tomorrow, but exams comes first.

i thoroughly enjoyed the film. thought it is more straightforward than "sepet" and "gubra", but nonetheless, like those 2 yasmin ahmad's film, the silence and simplicity of the film and cinematography speaks louder than all the special effects you have in hollywood.

i still can't get off my mind this scene in the movie: how the two sisters (as shown in the poster above) can, at every night, forgive those who hurt them the most. the elder sister can still love her father despite the abuse and mental torture given to her and her late mother.

i would want to forgive those who hurt me before too, especially the winged-tigers. so do i want to forgive the same tigers who predated on the monkeys.

but i'm still finding the way to.

"it is in forgiving that we are forgiven"

i can only think of this song

called back thailand today. all i can say is this song says everything.


มะเร็ง,

you've taken my father.
though i'm not related to her by blood,
don't take her too please.

a change of name again

don't ask me why. you will find the meaning in one of the recent posts.

when would-be teachers watch a show together......

this is what happened when 2 teacher-to-be friends of mine and I watch "life transformers" on channel 8 yesterday. here are the selected quotes

"how can they show the kids on the show?"
'later they get ridiculed in school how?"
"shouldn't they protect their identity?"

"how can they just stereotype the kid like this?"
"ya lor, later he get laughed at in school how?"

"look at their situation, how can any body says that the parent's don't care?"
"yeh, sometimes it's not that the parents don't care, but they can't"
"like this one, the father has to work all the time to barely make ends meet, and the mother is in such poor health"

"given this condition, how can we blame the child for not wanting to come home?"

songs on repeat at the moment

enjoy these 2 songs a lot lately. it's kinda on repeat mode, especially the first one. yeh, i know it has been out in thailand for quite a while, but i'm slow. :P

and the watch stopped

the watch stopped today.
how apt, how apt.

one of the monkids asked,
why not get it fixed?

i have tried to get it moving for the past year,
but i guess somethings,
can't be fixed,
no matter how hard i try.

i tried looking
for where it went wrong
i can't find it.


i guess it is best for them,
to be left stopped.

the log and the boat

the floating log
can't keep the people holding on to it afloat for long,
especially when it is rotting.

so why should the log be upset,
that when a boat comes,
these people move on to the boat?



stupid me.
they do not have just one boat.
what's there to be upset about
it's not their fault
i'm just a floating log.

PS: if you know the meaning of this song, there is another singer who sang a "reply" to it.

is being mobile a curse?

my mon-kids are all singaporeans. the only foreigner i know among them are either malaysians or a chinese national who has studied in singapore since primary school, and that his mother is with him in singapore.

so it was a rather surprising thing for me when i was sent to the new pasture for that few weeks, to know that a number of the monkeys in the new pasture are foreigners who are here on their own. technically, they are not borned in the year of the monkeys, but since they are all the same batch, let's just call them monkeys as well. most of them came from indonesia, one from vietnam, another from thailand.

practically all of the indonesians who came here started off when they were in sec 3. so in retrospect, it wouldn't be too much on them to uproot and start in a new education system, especially when most of them are alone here.

but what struck me the most was the one from thailand. not because i speak thai or i have a interest in thai culture, nor is it due to the fact that i have a thai "family". what struck me the most was when i first spoke to him. of course, he is rather confident - he has done quite a few presentations before, as according to my mentor. but i also sense sadness, loneliness and a sense of lost beyond that confident front.

turns out as i got to know him better, i realise why. he's been in singapore since he was 11. by the time he went on to sec 1, his cousin, who was also in singapore, returned to thailand. so the only thai he knows in singapore is he and himself, during his formative years as a teenager. now that he has finished his o'levels, he is (don't know when it will be a was) troubled, wondering if he should uproot and return to thailand to continue his study (as originally planned), or continue his study here. and of course, his decision would implicate where he will work in the future. his decision is also affected by his language ability, and ability to fit back in.



===========================================
hence, it made me wonder : is being mobile curse?

if he didn't have the mobility, he wouldn't need to move here to study, nor would he have to go through the trouble of thinking about returning or staying.

if he didn't have the mobility, he wouldn't have to have such ambiguity with his own identity. how would you feel if someone labelled you as "singaporeanised" when you're not a singaporean? how would you feel if you worry about the command of your own mother tongue? how would you feel if you have to worry if you would fit back in into the place where you were born?

i'm not saying nor suggesting that he didn't benefit from his education here, nor that he wasn't taken care of. but should an 11 year old be burdened with uprooting and forced to be independent in a foreign land? should a 14 year old spend his formative years, where he is becoming more self-aware of himself, or establishing his own identity, in a situation that makes it ambiguous? it is already difficult enough for 16/17 years old singaporeans to wonder whether to go to a jc or poly, and which stream or which course. must a 17 year old be burdened with the thought of whether to re-uproot himself again?

i must say he has a group of very good friends. but let's face it - issues with regards to his own culture, own identity, education pathways back at his own country - no one could do it better than those from his own country. the indonesians, with their larger network, would be better able to provide support for each other with regards to these aspects, but what about him?

------------------------------------------------------
hence i have this question: is being mobile a curse?

true, it's their choice to uproot and whatsoever. even though they are not the children of our soil ( and i would argue, imagined commonality and imagined boundaries), they are still our students after all. true, they have guardians who are suppose to take care of them, but there are somethings that their guardians can't do or see, which teachers can.

shouldn't we look out for their emotional development more? singaporean students are already confused with their future path with whatever options available to them, isn't it worse for those from a foreign land?

perhaps there could be a network to connect them with each other. maybe i should do something about it when i enter the service.

now before you criticise that there is no need for such things, think again: why is there a need for those singapore unions or singapore clubs or singapore days overseas? and they cater to people who are much older and can better support themselves emotionally as well. what does it say then?

whoever you are

the following people who visit my blog, i would love for you tell me who you are. drop me a comment or a message on my tagboard ok?

1) the one who keeps visiting from Oslo, Norway. i don't remember anyone i know who is in Oslo now.
2) the one who visits me from your singnet webmail. was wondering who in the world would email my blog, which is filled with useless crap to you?

empty nest syndrome

empty nest syndrome

according to wikipedia, empty nest syndrome is the
"general feeling of loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives may feel when one or more of their children leave home."

some websites say it comes about the time when there is a clear signal that a parent/guardian is no longer needed the same way he or she once was.

perhaps, that's what is the case now for the old cow, now that his mon-kids are done with the big hurdle. after last night, though the old cow was thankful for the dinner, the old cow didn't realise that he actually have a bit of empty-nest syndrome for some of the monkeys in the new pasture, until last night.

is that the price the old cow has to pay for putting a bit of his heart in every lessons he taught?

it reminded the old cow of this complain one of his di mentioned - who was complaining how one teacher did not put in his/her heart when it comes to teaching. though the old cow wanted to shoot back at his di, he decided not to.

what exactly does a teacher does when he or she puts his/her heart into teaching? be more concern? spend even more effort in preparing the lesson? it's not like the teacher the old cow's di complain about didn't do.

but if it means getting the teacher to revolve a part of his or her life around the students, there is a price to pay for that. mainly, the empty-nest syndrome. for a teacher who is married with kids, is it fair for the teacher to do that in the first place - to take time away from his/her family and to invest it in someone who will leave an empty-nest within a few months?

that was what the old cow wanted to tell his di. but he decided not to, for it might guilt his di. he only hope that he'll discover how unreasonable his expectation can be.

whatever is the case, the old cow shall, and will, over come this empty-nest syndrome.

sometimes

sometimes by the carpenters
sometimes not often enough

we reflect upon the good things

and those thoughs always center around those we love

and I think about those people who mean so much to me

and for so many years have made me so very happy

and I count the times I have forgotten to say thank you

and just how much I love them

but that aren't something that you all accept.

favourite quotes from a movie

(in reference to the actions of a mother in the movie)
"although there are times,
when you all love each other too much,
and end up hurting yourselves.
but i believe,
after sometime,
we will all learn that,
there is no such thing as 'too much love'

even though there are times,
when we make mistakes because of 'too much love'
it's much better than not doing anything for the sake of love,
isn't it?

in life,
there are many opportunities for us to try again.
after learning from our mistakes,
we will always have the opportunity.
hope you will hold on to it,
to care for each other more."

---------------------------
"it may only be a small achievement,
but it is because of all these many little achievements,
that make us even more proud of our children"

which movie did it came from? i'm not telling.
i'll just give you one of the song (though not my favourite) that is from the movie.

cleared my thoughts

it's been a while since mum and i sat down for a home cooked meal and talk. haven't been spending much quality time with her for the past few months - her being busy with her volunteer work, me tutoring my mon-kids for their o's. then came by projects avalanche and now finally there is a breather before the exam craze.

mum never knew how attached i am to my mon-kids. nor does she knows that i have 5 dis. i didn't tell her because she'll freak out - all those reports of teachers being accused (those wrongly accused of course) caused her to be extremely cautious. i had to assure her many times i'm meet my mon-kids in public areas for tuition then her mind will ease a little. so i did not tell her what i'm going through now. but somehow, after listening to her talk about some of her problems, i kinda found the solutions to mine.

i used to tell my colleagues this: we did not teach to receive appreciation. if appreciation is shown, it's a bonus.

yet i did not really practice what i preach. wondering why things turn out this way - aren't i looking for another form of appreciation and gratification of what i have put it? i might as well do what xyz did(which i'm still digusted about) - openly guilt them, ask them if (s)he should continue putting effort into them because (s)he has not been thanked. oh yeh, somehow that worked in getting whatever appreciation (s)he wanted, but i'm still disgusted by that method.

kak is right. when you put in too much, you'll end up expecting something to happen, and it can strains things when somethings are said / not said or done / not done.

i guess that is the case with me and the 3 dis of mine. i'm expecting something, i'm expecting a clear answer, probably because of what i've put in. i didn't put those in to get something in return, neither should i expect anything from them - be it a clear answer or what.

so that's why i'm no longer taking an active role now. i don't want things to be done out of obligation, neither do i want to guilt you all.

yes i would very much prefer a clear indication.
but if it is not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
if it is suppose to continue, like with my 2 other dis, then it shall continue.
if it must take a few years before we find each other again, then let it be.
if we will only find each other at my deathbed, like what happened in "Tuesdays with Morrie", then so be it.
if it will never continue, then let it be.
perhaps to them, some things are better left unsaid.

i am trying hard to move on, but give me time. at the start of the year, i thought i have successfully moved on. turns out that's not how things should turn out, and my life revolved around them once more.

now i have nothing to help them. it's the time to really close this chapter for good and move on with life. more than 2 years of my life have more or less revolved around them. i will need time to fill in the void. perhaps when i start my exchange next semester, starting a new life would help me move on much more easily.

but they will continue to have a special place,
on my table,
on my wallpaper,
and in my heart.

my mon-kids, will always be my mon-kids.
my dis, will always be my dis.
i don't know if there will be a batch where i would love as much,
or be just as committed and attached to.

i certainly miss them a lot.
thanks for all the joy you all have given me.
all that's left are feathers.


can't find cat steven's version, and rod stewart's version is quite bad. so have to resort to a nicer, but female version.

no longer

re-read my old entries, that were written last year around the same time.
seems like it is the same thing over and over again.

i'm not pushing the 3 of them away.

they are still my di.
but instead actively asking them,
i've decided to be passive.

it's been more than a year since i consider 5 of them as my di.
only 2 has been clear so far, that i'm a brother to them.

but the other 3,
it's been more than 1 year
and it hasn't been clear.
one moment i'm really sure they don't want me to be around,
another moment they seem like they want it.
doesn't help when my friends think that
they want me to be around.

why is it that what you tell me,
contradicts what i see?
you tell me they express it in another manner,
or have problems expressing it.
but tell me:
is not replying my questions considered as wanting me to be around?
is actively moving away from me if i were to change my seat considered as wanting me to be around?
is actively moving away from me if i were to go from person to person considered as wanting me to be around?
even someone who saw the photos say so
"he wants to escape from you"

so tell me.
i have believed what some of you said for 1 year.
yet i still see contradictions,
and wondered if you're really right when i see things that tally with what you said.

i don't want to guess anymore.
i will no longer take the active role.
i will not longer initiate any conversation or any sms.
i will no longer ask them to "take care" or "all the best"
neither will i update them on anything.
like me going for exchange.

i no longer know if they want me to care.
i no longer know if they want to know about what's going on with me.
in fact, i never knew.

but i will still be there for them when they want it.
they are my dis after all.

goodbye

that's my last sms that i've initiated.
goodbye to the 3 of you.
i have been guessing, wondering, deciphering for too long.
wondering if it is something that you all want to have or not.
wondering what's next.
yet i could never get a clear answer from you all.
if it is a no, say so. why make it so ambiguous for me.
i have to guess from your behaviour, your actions, your words, which contradicts all the time.

i've decided to follow my gut feel.
take the most painful route for me,
and goodbye.


it aren't easy for me.
especially when nothing inside has changed or will change.
but, i guess this is what the 3 of you wanted.


ก็หมดเวลาฉัน ตั้งแต่นี้ ฉันขอลาก่อน

tomorrow is the day

after i send out my last good luck, all the best message,
i wouldn't initiate anymore sms to 3 of them.
seems like showing them concern makes them uncomfortable.



"I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear "

what did i learn from obama

not those race thingy or change stuff.

but about leading.

it's not about listening to those who support you only.
it's about listening to those who disagree with you as well.
even if an agreement can't be met,
at least a respectful discussion could be made,
to earn each other's respect.


it's not about leading those who support you only.
it's about leading everyone.
like he said

"i want to be their president as well"

of power, serving and person

do you want power to serve
or serve to get power?

i don't understand why people want power,
when they don't want to serve.

neither do i understand,
why should a person be measured by his/her achievements
but not by how much of a person the person is?
achievements may not be achieved by a person,
it can be achieved by a monster (case in point about serving and power)

so go kiss your child on the forehead
and hug him/her
how great they are should not be measured by their results,
what school they get into,
but how much of a person they are.

from someone's else blog

Life could be short. Give your siblings, mum or dad... whoever's close to you and staying with you... a hug tonight. I know I'm gonna give my wife and kids a big one when I see them. In the blink of an eye, things could change unexpectedly. Let's not take people we care about for granted.

- from someone's blog.

no. life is not "could be short". life is short.

unfortunately, being appreciative to those people around you,
showing how much you appreciate them,
how much you care for them,
doesn't necessarily mean they will be comfortable or happy with it.

cause they,
don't think that life is short,
or take you for granted,
thinking there is always a tomorrow.

that's life.
it's short.

but that doesn't mean you shouldn't show,
how much you love them,
how much you care for them,
how important they are to you.

cause you never know,
when you'll not have the chance
to let them know.

so what if they don't appreciate i?
so what if they take you for granted?

someone is important to you,
not because they appreciate you,
isn't it?

4 more papers

before i make a clear clear cut.
though you never said it,
but i guess your attitude says it all:
that's what you want, right di?