คิดถึงน้องชาย คิดถึงลูก

i want more time

just like him. i want more time to do the same things with them.

but it aren't possible.

into the new pasture once more.
so much joy,
but yet,
reminding me so much what i could have done
with my monkids at the old pasture.

the last lecture

"If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you."

- Randy Pausch, "The Last Lecture"

your words came at the very right time for me.
your lesson, i will continue to spread.
true, you've lived beyond what was expected.
but i'm sure you know, the impact of your lecture goes way beyond anyone's expectation.

"Brickwalls are not there to stop you, but for you to show how much you want it."

heart and lessons

every lesson i've delivered has a piece of my heart in it. it does not create a deficit, for every little piece of my heart given, i receive many more.

no doubt the monkeys at the new pasture are pretty special. after all, i've given them quite a bit of my heart. no doubt they have given me back quite a few to have a place in my heart.

but my mon-kids and dis, they will always hold that very special place in my heart for a very long time to come.

what mr p said is true. students come and go. but like mamafess blogged: love remains.

the curse of the last day

it seems like i'm cursed.

i have taught on 3 occasions so far. seems like on the last day of each occasion, something would happen to one of my students, which will force me to reflect upon my values of education. most importantly, this question always pop up on my mind - should i stand up for this child?

i have always relied on my gut feel when it comes to people. most of the time, it's pretty right. so for the first 2 occasions, when i stood up for my kid who eventually become my di, and another mon-kid of mine for the 2nd occasion, i know that no matter what the circumstances show, they will make it if you give them the chance. that is why i stood up for them.

but it didn't work out for both occasions. as the days and months progress, they show genuine results. "if only those people listen to me, they could have achieved more", i always thought.

but this time, i barely know this kid. but my gut feel says there is a equal chance that he may be right.

but i held back. because i'm worried, if i stand up for him, i'm not helping him the long run. not because i don't trust what he said, it's because i don't trust my own gut feel.

right now i keep wondering to myself - who's right? but the fact that there is solid evidence against him - regardless of the intent. if he is really innocent, i guess it is a painful lesson to him that some things cannot be fooled around with. if he's not, i really, sincerely, which that he'll work with the school and change himself.

it will be such a waste, for someone with so much potential, waste life away in the prison.

meanwhile, i'm buying the possibility that i have the curse of the last day.

in the middle

today, some of the monkeys in the new pasture ask,
if the old cow will ever return to teach them.
the old cow smiled, and ask why so?
then the monkeys at the new pasture remembered,
and said to the old cow
"we forgot
you'll go back to your mon-kids first"

just last week, some of the old cow's mon-kid's ask
"so how's the new pasture? any of them become your kids or dis yet?"

my dear mon-kids,
i've barely known them,
unlike you all. it's almost 3 years since i've known you all.
how can they be of equal footing as you all?

to the monkeys of the new pasture,
i enjoyed teaching you all,
you monkeys are great joy to teach,
but i love my mon-kids more.
they take up a very special place in my heart,
that i guess batch after batch of students wouldn't take away.

i think i might miss the fun i had teaching you all.
but for my mon-kids,
i don't just miss the fun i had teaching them.
i miss the times where i laughed with them,
i miss the times where i shared tears with them.
i miss the times where i joined them for recess,
i miss the times where i see them blossom.

most of all,
i miss them.

i envy you

please do not read this if you don't like emo things.
------------------------------------------------
i tell people they are mine.
but in actual fact, they aren't mine.
they belong to you.
perhaps the thought of them belonging to me,
is just a construct of mine.

they are times i'm envious of you,
sometimes even jealous,
as you can officially say that they are yours.
it is official anyway.
but i can't.
not even when i'm with them.
what's worse when i'm not with them.

i miss them terribly.
yeh, i heard a lot of their mis-deeds lately.
but they meant no harm.
don't hate them for that.
they want to get better too.
they don't want your tears to flow either.
i'm sure you know it too, and you love them as well.

sometimes right here at this new pasture,
i love and hate going to this particular class.
they remind me so much of them.
it feels so familiar,
it gives me so much joy.

yet at the end of the lesson,
looking at the faces,
none of them are there.
how i wish i could give that lesson to them.
and i hate it when all these emotions come running back.

sometimes it feels like being a bastard,
pinning for a parent that is yours but not yours formally.
just that this time, it is the other way.

i envy you,
you have them officially under your care.
yet i'm in this weird position,
where i don't know where to place myself,
among all these unofficial stuff.

the old cow can only miss his mon-kids.

"Very often, students say that their teachers motivate them. But we are also motivated by them. When one child turns around, that child can motivate us for a very long time."

- Mrs Chua Yen Ching, Principal of NorthLight School

swing

i'm ever so lucky. have mentors that are supportive and give me a lot of trust and space. if i had fallen into wrong hands like that friend of mine, who knows i would have been very disillusioned.

to my mentor: if you're reading this, thanks so much for your care. but when it comes to lesson preparation, i'm the kind who prefer to let the pendulum swing.

unlike the original analogy, the pendulum for lesson preparation swings back first. the further you want it to go forward, the more it has to swing back. of course, effort is not proportionate to end result, but you get what i'm getting at lah.

cause it is when it swings forward, that's what keep me going on.

late nights once more. not that i have anything against the monkeys in this pasture. i enjoy teaching them. but i still miss teaching my mon-kids and dis. too many a times, when i wondered "if it is easier for them to understand....", i'm wondering if my mon-kids and dis will understand, not the monkeys in this new pasture.

but what's not mine, isn't mine.
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had a small chit-chat with a teacher in the new pasture. she read my blog, and found that what i've been through is pretty similar to what she had been through when she was on attachment. yeh, a bunch of kids that she's very close to. it's nice to hear what is it like for them now, especially when the kids have graduated and they have not met up for years.

somehow, that gave me some assurance on what things might turn out to be.

exodus

one by one they are leaving. to think they weave magic in the classroom, done so much for the kids.

a lost to the service, a lost to the kids.

the new pasture

the old cow thinks that,
1) his mon-kids and dis deserve what those monkeys in this new pasture have. not the physical forest, but the culture of the forest.
2) his ex-colleagues deserve such a supportive environment. if they were given that, they would be a lot happier, and can do a lot more things that would benefit the learning of the mon-kids.

today, one of mon-kids asked the old cow, after he has completed his training, will he ask to be at the old pasture?

what for? the old cow said. all you mon-kids will no longer be there.

and the old cow miss his mon-kids terribly. :(

a constant advice to male teachers

as mentioned, the old cow has roamed a new pasture lately. he found it slightly amusing that almost everyone he met gave him and another fellow cow, being male, the same advice which goes around the following pattern

1) this is a mix-school, hence there are female students
2) you have to draw the line clearly with female students
3) most female students, given their age, are unable to differentiate and hence, take your kindness the wrong way
4) do not offer to send female students home or be alone with them - you will always be considered guilty until proven innocent.

the old cow isn't amused with the advice. in fact, he is very appreciative of the concern and good-heart of those around him. what he found it slightly amusing is how he pondered about the same issue a year ago. and this too.

as long as males are considered as sex-starved/perverts/whatever term you choose to use, so long as society continue to give this gender identity, male teachers will always have to keep their guards up and be mindful, at the expense of the rapport with students.

still reminds me

"And I've tried to spend my time with somebody new
But everyone still reminds me of you
I tried to play some songs that'd changed my point of view
But every sound still reminds me of you "

the old cow is currently roaming around a new pasture. he has met with some monkeys, dogs, chickens and pigs today, and manage to talk to some of them. somehow the 15 mins conversation he had with some piggies today kept reminding him of his mon-kids when they were still climbing up the trees and throwing bananas around.

it brought a smile to the old cow's face. but it only made the old cow miss his mon-kids terribly.