a year end

the final day of 2007.

i've forgotten how much i used to go to the roof top of my block, sit on the swing, and look into the sky and think about things. somehow that's a nice place to be alone and empty my thoughts.

i went up today, and realise i have not done that for the whole semester. the sky was especially clear today. loads of stars, nice cool breeze.

i look back and wonder. i ended 2006 with so much hope. results was unexpectedly good. i was getting busy with my first major event in hall. i was toying with the idea of going back to teach my kids once more. 

now i've come to the end of 2007. results is bad, unless the review reveal that those buggers made a mistake. and i know i'm no longer going back to teach my kids (and now, some are my bros) anymore.

somehow 2007 started very well. everything was interesting, fresh. my modules were great, as it challenged my assumptions. i churned out things after things for hall, which somehow tells everyone what i'm capable of.

when the academic year ended, i was reunited with my kids and colleagues (sounds so soap opera) and my modules timetable fitted my teaching timetable perfectly.  took them for half a year, all the way to their exams, which didn't turn out well, which i have responsibility for. 

i thought i was closer to most of them. most, but for those who matter more, we just seem to be drifting apart. somehow things have become a monologue. 

what's there to look forward to next year?

other than field studies, i can't think of any.

i'll never have the chance to take my kids and dis anymore. i guess i'll be faded away from them very quickly. somehow, i have difficulty fading them away, when they have become important to me. right now they may be hoping i'll be back to take them for geography, as they thought all the good geography teachers have left. they thought.  when one of the kaks take them next year, they will know how much better she is, and i'll just be someone in the distant memory. 

colleagues, so many of them have left that place. 

hall, i doubt i'll be given a chance to stay on. they found a better designer. who wants a senior who can't play sports for inter-block games and stays for only 1 semester cause he's likely to go for exchange on the 2nd semester?

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it seems like 2007 is a year where things that were important to me becomes more important - only to be taken away from me. 

so what's there to look forward to next year, when all those things important to you are taken away?

i guess it's something i will only find out next year.

that's life isn't it? when it feels like nothing is left, just sleep and another day comes - till the day something comes. in the meantime, there is always the swing on the rooftop.

colorgenics part II

Was reviewing what I've written for the whole year, in an attempt to review what had happened this year. But I came across the post which I took the Colorgenics Test.

I decided to give it a try again, for fun. Turns out it tells me what I need to know, or what I already know but don't want to know.

You feel that everything is going against you and you are worn out and exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling. You are trying to protect yourself but at the same time you are hiding your feelings, hoping that by so doing, you can avoid exposing yourself to attack. Hopefully this will give you the chance to get on with your life. Nevertheless, you should be very careful to try to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger your plans:

You 'need to be needed'. As an idealist you are intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to you. If you do not get what you seek you are apt to become reclusive and you will close the doors on all those within your sphere of influence.

The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

submitted for review

submitted my request to review my exam results. even mrs chong, the nice lady at the geog department office was shocked that i've requested to review 4 geog modules.

somehow after submitting, the feeling that nothing will change seemed to increase.

but hey. at least if nothing is changed, i wouldn't go on for the rest of my  life "if only...."

either, i gotta work a lot harder. 

chui

my worst semester ever. 4 b- and a b.

i seriously don't understand what went wrong. my ca, which ranges from 40-60% of my scores, are either a- or b+. other than 1 or 2 papers, i walk out of the exam hall feeling more confident than my economy and space module, which gave me a b+ despite a b- project. i'm not saying that given my effort, i should deserve a or a+, but seriously, it can't possibly drop so badly, unless what i've written on the exam papers make no sense to the examiners?

am i victim of the curve? if so, why my group mates who are more clueless with what they have studied, or couldn't finish as much of the paper as i did, got at least 2 grades better than me?

i'm somehow suspecting that it's my chui handwriting. i'll ask for review just to confirm it all. though inside me, i know that 3/4 chance that nothing will change. 

cue grumbling about the lack of academic transparency in nus. we don't even know what checks and balances they have to ensure there is no error. the numbers can be as large as 3 makers, for 200+ scripts of essays. i've marked papers before. i know that no matter how careful you are, there is bound to be some kind of calculation error somewhere or a mistake in marking here and there. yet for review, they don't remark, they just see if anything has been left out from marking or if the addition of marks is wrong. that for $10 that even a sec 1 kid can do without any problems. and we can't see our paper unless we have a f or u? sounds like some vulgar phrase at us if we ever request to see our paper without those 2 grades. i would seriously be rich if i have the same policy while relief teaching.

strangely, i'm not extremely disappointed. i'm disappointed by the fact that i can't tell those who were worried that my results would be compromised due to my relief teaching stint that it didn't. if my kaks and hod were to hear that this is my worst semester, they might feel responsible for it. they've already felt bad that i'm taking less pay and running back and forth school and nus.

i'm disappointed by the fact that i can't tell my dis that i've done well. at least they can tell other people that their kor is one who can do well, or at least have someone to look up to.

but am i disappointed of myself? right now, i may not be able to qualify for thesis, or my cap might edge me out from the competition for exchange programme. but strangely, i don't feel a single thing - just like how i felt about this whole semester. frankly, i would have zombified if i didn't draw strength from those 2 group of people mentioned earlier.

i'm not gonna sob over it. i want to do my thesis, and i will make it happen. whether these grades will change or not, perhaps its meant to be a wake up call. somehow i found more energy today in wanting to do better.

dis, kids. i will make it next sem. so that i can tell you all my story of climbing up again from a fall. 

another space gone

you took away the tables and chairs where we spent quite a bit of time with the kids. so we use the other tables and chairs.

now you're going to air-condition the remaining space. it is hard for me to believe that you wouldn't control that space.

it's really like a message to me that my days there are really over.

you are geography major in nus when

you are a geography major in nus when you see ge2006 and you start wondering what geography module is that.

only to realise that it means General Elections 2006

a reminder to self

*slap myself*

you're no longer, or never was in the first place, a part of their life, yanjie. stop interrupting, or ruining it for them.

merry christmas

nice white lady

what a nice stab at those feel-good teacher movies. Madtv have some of the best parodies.

disconnecting

*i'm just in the mood to type everything in lower caps. don't ask me why*

one of the most fundamental buddhist theory, is if i remember correctly, that attachment is the root of all suffering. attachment to things or people, that is why we suffer when we lose them. attachment to the living world, that is why spirits can't move on peacefully. attachment to grudges, that is why one continue to suffer in hatred. only when we can discard all these attachments, can we find peace. i have not read about the dharma for quite a while, so there should be some inaccuracies in what i've just mentioned, but basically, the gist that i remember is that attachment more or less equates to suffering.

ironically, i'm an extremely sedimental person. i like to keep things that reminds of certain parts of my life. i know attachment is the root of suffering, yet i still keep things to remind me of certain memorable parts of my life.

lately i'm trying to release my emotional attachment to certain things and people. yet there is this subconscious fear that i'll forget these people that i treasure and the memorable moments i have with them when i release that attachment.

accept the fact yanjie. you are, and never will, be a part of their life, even though they are very much in yours. some don't even want it. let go and fade away.

but that file containing what all of them have written when we first got to know each other, might stay for a long time to come. i still don't have the heart to throw away its contents, for it continues to bring me smiles, even after 1 year.

the last 10 days of the year

some how, during the last 10 days of every year, I tend to get a little reflective. No, I don't mean becoming like a mirror, but I tend to look back more.  It helps that it rains almost every day at this time of the year. Some how, the plattering of the rain gets me into a contemplative mood.

While I was still in schools, I used to dread that schools is reopening. Somehow, that will set me to think about what I've done for the whole year.

While in NS, I used to love December, cause it means another year served. It also helps that most of the bosses are clearing their leave, effectively leaving December a month where hardly any work is done.

But now....I wouldn't think about 2007 yet.

For my Dis.

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another.

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

me: is she still taking that class?
kak k: no. we've reallocated her so that she has more personal time.
me: ok. so there is no need for me to relief her then.
kak k: you intend to relief her?
me: initially, when she was deployed to teach that class. Cause Kak Z will over-stretch herself to cover her for that class, and I thought probably I should relief her. But since she's not, and Kak Z will be taking all of them, there is nothing for me to worry about anymore.
kak k: ok. but anytime if you want to come back and relief do tell me. Want to have your attachment with us?

me: No thanks.

kak k: Why not?
===================================

L: Intend to come back and relief next year?

me: Highly unlikely.

L: why not?

me: Cause I'm not taking them.

L: But you can take new classes?

====================================

SQ: Coming back next year?

me: Highly unlikely.

SQ: Why not?

me: Not taking them. No Point.

SQ: But you can take new students what.

=====================================

I can't. not from there. not when they are still around.

I only want to remember them from that place. I don't have the energy to have any more emotional ties with anyone new from that place anymore.

So that was the last time.  Its a journey to fade away from their minds, without any more U-turns like this year. It's not a journey I would like to thread, and how far I would go on this journey is not determined by me. But it is inevitable.

on the road to be faded away

attended the chalet for one of my kid's class, in which one of my di is in. Well, they invited 2 of my other di from another class as well.

It was nice to see them after 1 month plus. Other than some issues that cropped up, it was a memorable one. "fortune telling", playing cheat, snap etc. Haven't done such things for a long long time.

Spent the 2nd day with my dis. Basically we went from east to west and back to east.

Goodbye and take care. Thanks for the invite, and I cherish this very very much. Cause I'm quite sure this will be the last time I get to see you all or have an outing/gathering with you all. As much as I'm close to you all, it seems like there will always be this gap between us, that can never be closed up. In another words, I'll never be seen as a part of the class, or a part of the group. Probably now, but when someone else comes and touch your lives next year, it's very likely that I'll be just a part of your passing memory, if I'm that lucky.

I couldn't asked for more, than these happy times

I'm mentally preparing myself for this unavoidable truth. And mentally preparing that it comes from my dis as well.

I'm not saying that they are a bunch of ungrateful people. But let's put it this way - don't we all, at some points of our lives, faded away some of our friends sometimes?

What chance do someone like me have then?

It's time i begin my inevitable journey of fading away. It was so much easier last year to take the first step. Why is it much harder now?

พรุ่งนี้...ฉันต้องลาก่อน พรุ่งนี้...ฉันต้องจากเธอไป	Tomorrow...I have to say goodbye. Tomorrow...I have to leave you.
ไม่รู้...จะอีกนานซักเท่าไร ยอดดวงใจ จะกลับมาเจอ	I don't know...how much longer it will be. We'll meet again.
ห่วงเธอ...ที่คงคิดไม่ต่าง ห่วงเธอ...ตอนที่ฉันไม่อยู่	I worry about you...you probably think the same. I worry about you...when I'm not there with you.
ฝากฟ้า...เดือนและดาวช่วยดู ให้เธอรู้ ว่าฉันจะคิดถึง	Let the sky...the moon and the stars look after you. Let you know...that I'll miss you.

Kaks, I know you all will, take good care of them, and do what I can't do for them a lot better than me.

a letter to one of my di

Hey Di,

You told me you didn't get the award because of that particular reason the other day. I wanted to tell you all these, but my thoughts was everywhere along with my examination. Since it's so long to put it over MSN, I've decided to put it here.

You know how they decide who gets the award? Everyone is ranked against each other, just like those statistic curves you all draw. Then they determine a certain percentile will get this award, another percentile will get that award, and so and so forth.

Seriously, those who decide who gets the award. I really wonder, do they even know the people who are getting it? Do they even know their names, their face? Or are the awardees just a number or statistic to those who decide who gets it? In some ways, the award is suppose to encourage people, but I wonder, do they really know the people they are trying to encourage the award with?

So ultimately, what they give is probably not really a recognition, or an encouragement. Even if it is, it doesn't seem that it is from the heart to me. What's left, is just money - something that you can get from anyone or anywhere else. I doubt they know how freaking damn hard you have worked this year. Even if they give you the award, that amount of money is not enough to acknowledge how much effort and hard work you have put it.

Remember last year, when I asked you, "what's your dream?" You gave me a reply immediately, which I told you(while smiling), shows how mature and sensible you are. Many of your peers, till today, are unable to give me a definate answer. Some can't even give me an answer, or don't even want to think about it.

Whenever I share this incident with your teachers, their eyes well up a little.(it helps that they are female). Their eyes are not just filled with wonder, but an admiration of how mature and sensible you are, and how much you have impressed them with that. That is on top, of all the the pride they have of you of your academic achievements. They did not say a word, but their eyes, shows how much recognition they give to you.

Ultimately, the money come and go. But it is these individual recognition from people you know, that matters. Ultimately, it is all these recognition that they give you from their heart, that last a lot longer than money. So many people are proud of you, and give you the recognition, that is a lot more meaningful and sincere than that award.

I too, am freaking proud of you. Not just of your academic achievements, not just of your maturity or sensibliity. Those are the bonus. I have been proud of you since last year, for what reason, I can't pin point and put it into words.

I can't put to words how special you are to me, my brother. Just like your other 4 "sibilings", they are special to me in their own ways that I can't put into words.

LIkewise, there is something about you that I'm very proud of, but I just can't put that into words. There is something special about you that I cherish, but I just can't put it into words what it is. That is why I call you my "Di", because I don't know how else to recognise how special you are to me, and how much I treasure you as a person. Other than those pats on your head, I don't know how else to tell you, "I love you as your brother, You are a very special di, and I'm freaking proud of you".

You are on your way, my di. Closer, to your dreams.

Don't doubt yourself. If I were to go back in time and tell the last-year you what you have achieved this year, the last-year you would not believe me, and would probably denounce what you have achieved this year as a far-away dream.

You gone beyond what you used to believe was your limit. What's stopping you know?

It's a long marathon next year. I'm sure you can do it.

80th Birthday

"My Place where I belong to, is the place where I live among the Thais.

The People of Mine"

80th Birthday. Long Live the King.

One thing about hall is that it is a place of irony to me. There is always people around you. There will be people walking pass your corridors, your neighbours walking in and out of their rooms, people coming to look for you, people coming to look for your neighbours etc.  Yet, hall can be a lonely and private place. Shut your door, hide in your room, and nobody will know if you are in or not. People can knock on your door to jio you, but as long as you play dead and lock your door, nobody really knows. 

Some people claim that with this number of people and activities around, you can never get lonely in hall. Unfortunately, these people have not heard of the term "alone in a crowd". Think our domestic workers living among a huge Singaporean family. So what there is a lot of people around her - no one connects to her.

One of my kid just asked me an hour ago - "is it lonely living in hall?"

I don't know how to give him a general answer that applies to majority of the people, cause my own experience seems to differ. Is it lonely? Actually, my personal answer would be - it can be at times, especially this year.

I looked around, and realise that people whom I'm close to in hall, are not really people from my block. I don't play sports, that leaves out having a common experience with 75% of the active members in my block. My fellow drama person in my block is currently on exchange. No one in my block knows anything about designing website, other than those who want tips from me for their computing module. Most of the people I know through hall activities - hardly any are from this block.

That leaves out hardly any common experience for me to connect with them. But that hasn't been an issue last year, or all my life, especially the issue about websites and design. But why now?

Perhaps I do not have anyone in hall to share about the people I love now. Perhaps they will see the photos of the people I love most, comment about it, and that's it. They have no idea, what is it like to love them, or what joy they bring, and the frustrations they bring. Like minded people in the staff room will understand and appreciate it when you tell them how one of them rocked your day with a simple act, or why you're upset when they did something wrong. They too have been through it.

Most of the people in hall, they seriously wonder why in the world are you talking about them with so much pride. When you share stories with them about how these people you love rock or rained your days, the nicer ones try to appreciate, but never understood why. 

SO there goes sharing a big part of your life. And talk about small things, like "dinner?", "dota?".

Don't get me wrong. I'm not disillusioned about hall life. I know of people who are so disillusioned that they declare every single human relationship created in hall as "superficial".

I guess, I just miss the days where there are people around me whom we can exchange the wonders in our lives that wow or upset. Most of all, missing the people who are responsible for it.

Perhaps it's a signal for me to move on. But how do you put behind something that drives you and made every moment of your life worth living for, and continue to give you the energy and motivation to push it to its limits even now?

Their pictures will continue to be my wallpaper, on my bedside, on my table. And probably, for a long time to come, no one else in hall will be able to fully understand why they are up there.

"I know they will move on. But I don't know how"