collision

here i am at a point in my life wondering what do i want to do for the next 10-20 years. what kind of a teacher will i be, and how it will affect my personal life. do i want to give up certain things from one side for the other? if so, will it last long? is it sustainable?

strangely, although all that happened only in my mind, people around me start asking me the same matters - as to what kind of teacher i would want to be, my personal life, and especially, my love life?!?!?! friends, ex-colleagues, kaks, jies, hallmates, and even one of my di asked me "when are you getting a girl friend?" for a moment, i thought chinese new year visiting came early.

perhaps because of my age, i take it for granted that there is always a next time. for now, i'll keep to 可遇不可求 .

besides, i have other priorities in my life right now.

mirror on both sides

i used to wonder why my mother would always
1) ask me to "take care" whenever we say goodbye. like i wouldn't at my age?
2) call me at the most inappropriate moment
3) getting extremely upset whenever i look tired.
4) be so insecure and think that we don't care about her when we don't put it in words
5) be worried if i'm away from her for more than 3 days. like i wouldn't take care of myself at my age?
it always gets on my nerves and irritates me. especially for someone who hates to be interrupted whenever he is doing something, or when he's in a game of dota, i would respond in a very negative manner, especially when she expect me to give her my fullest attention when i'm in the midst of dota.

then when i have my dis, i realise that i would always
1) ask them to "take care" whenever we say goodbye.
2) msn them at rather inappropriate moments, like when they are in the middle of a dota game
3) get extermely upset whenever i see them in the wee hours online, during school term weekdays
4) be very insecure about how they think of me, to the point that thinking that they don't take me as their elder brother, just because 4 out of 5 of them never put that in words
5) be worried about them all the time.

it is amazing to have mirrors at the both sides, mirroring what i'm doing as a son and as a brother, at my age as a young adult. most people realise it too late, when their biological kids are teenagers, which by then, their parents are gone for them to make any amends.

it helps me learn to understand my dis and my mother better. i hope i can be a better son and a better brother.

i was cleaning my stuff in preparation of cny today, and i came across the vanguard sheet that was given to me by my co-form class in 2006. that was my first time ever being a (relief) teacher. i opened it and read every single word in it. my now-dis didn't write a single thing, other than their name.

i smiled. it reminds me what my ex-co-form said
"they just can't express it properly"

just like how my elder brothers and i can't express our love for our mother properly either. neither have i ever told my elder brothers how much i know they care for me. even at my father's deathbed, i've yet to say " i love you pa". somehow, we can't put it into words. perhaps i'm socialised as guy not to be able to do that, but let's just leave all the sociological stuff aside.

i should be more understanding to them.

met 2 of my dis  yesterday for tuition.  it's so strange. i missed 5 of them so much, yet when i see them , i have nothing to say.

sec 4 life is written all over their face and in their eyes - literally. never have i seen them so tired, eyes so red. yet, they are still working hard listening to my explanation and putting in their effort when i told them to do some work.

my heart kinda ache a little to see them that tired. But i'm sure they will get use to it and be fine soon

di, you want to know what compliment i've been giving you all the time? that i'm very lucky to have u all as my dis. 

it's not their turn yet

but still, d-day today made me anxious about my kids and dis. i wonder what will it be like when it's their turn. i can't bear to see any of them cry or be disappointed. 

marie marie marie

I first heard this song when Mavis Hee performed it "live" on TV for about 5-6 years ago. Those were the days of Napster and I downloaded this song.

Last year, I kinda popularised it in hall when I used it as the background music for the hall production website. Turns out quite a number of people like it cause it's very catchy and happy. Apparently the hall rock band intended to perform it, but I guess the saxophone part in the song wasn't quite possible for them. 

Anyway, I didn't really think about its lyrics till I re-liked it lately. Realise that it speaks a lot about what I think of my dis - how special they are, and how fortunate I am to have them. 

Marie

Solveig

Little sister come stay with me a while
It's been so long since I have seen your happy smile
Let's have a toast together for all the crazy times
We thought would last forever until the end of time

Marie, Marie, Marie, you're a shiny pearl
Marie, Marie, Marie, such a spacy little girl
Marie, Marie, Marie, you're a shiny pearl
Marie, Marie, Marie, such a spacy little girl

That thunderstorm around you is bound to mess up those
That bravely try to get to you and step upon your toes
Do what you have to do, go where you have to go
All your destiny and your destination it's all that you should know

Marie, Marie, Marie, you're a shiny pearl
Marie, Marie, Marie, such a spacy little girl
Marie, Marie, Marie, you're a shiny pearl
Marie, Marie, Marie, such a spacy little girl

What would I do if I didn't have you
(What would I do) get along
Who would you be if not for me

Marie, Marie, Marie, you're a shiny pearl
Marie, Marie, Marie, such a spacy little girl
Marie, Marie, Marie, you're a shiny pearl
Marie, Marie, Marie, such a spacy little girl

I'm so lucky that I have someone like you
And a piece of history that I know we'll hold on to
I'm so lucky that I have someone like you
And a piece of history that I know we'll hold on to

Tomorrow is D-Day. Hope the efforts of all my Kaks will show.

PS I just realise the first line sounds so cheeko if it is translated to Chinese.

a central transport planner?

me thinks that it is a good idea that the government plans the bus routes and let those bus companies bid for the routes. i've always gripped how buses in ang mo kio don't really go to yishun even they are just towns that are next to each other. why? because ang mo kio routes are operated by sbs transit, while yishun routes are operated by smrt.

but then again, a good idea needs good implementation. i hope 

1) it is implemented with really the people at heart. (just like what raymond lim said)

2) the planners do enough fieldwork to know what people need and serve it, and not be disconnected and just plan what looks right and good on paper.

most importantly, 

3) bus routes remain neutral and not be politicised,  like what happened to the upgrading programmes.  

if not, perhaps we are better off with what we have now.

A blessed union with many lessons and awkward questions

attended Kak K's wedding today. i thought i would miss the other kakaks as i overslept. but apparently, i was the first among them to arrive, and the people i wanted to avoid have left / about to leave. 

boy is she gorgeous. it was just so sweet seeing two of them on the dais. though i don't know the groom well, it just seems like both of them are so compatible for each other. 

met up with quite a number of ex-colleagues and it was a great time catching up with them. inevitably, the conversation swayed to the topics about the kids. one of them was direct enough to ask me "you miss them ah?"

then the wedding became a occasion not just for me to catch up with people, but to have awkward questions thrown at me. somehow the conversations with quite a few people drifted to another corner too. different people were asking me at different time "are you dating?" "do you have a girlfriend" "how's uni? got girlfriend?".  the wedding bug must have bitten them.

chill people. i will inform you when i got one. and make sure you buy 4d that day, cause you have a high chance of striking 1st prize. but what surprised me most was this question "are you dating any of your students?" what? with my own kids?

it was also an occasion where i had epiphanies of some things in life. ( i learnt that word from the simpsons movie)

i manage to learn how the to greet ex-students if you can't remember their names but don't want them to feel left out. if the first thing your teacher call you is "gorgeous", "darling" and proceed to hug you, chances are they kinda forgot your name. however, it sounds lewd if it comes from a male teacher. perhaps my ex-teachers "oh you look so different" will be better for me.

i've also learnt that happily ever after do exist in real life, but it is a packaged deal with tolerance and acceptance as well. I saw so many elder couples, with so much love between them. especially kak s's parents, one whom is chinese, the other malay. i'm sure they've been through a lot before they got married, but it is so heart-warming to see them ageing gracefully with so much love between them. 

but them most important thing i learnt, is from the bride and groom. kak z told me about their love story - how they met in jc, broke up, had relationships with other people, only to be back again, and now married. it's amazing how life play tricks on people and how life goes back in one full circle. like how kak z put it, just because 2 people are not ready for each other at one point of their life, doesn't mean they aren't suppose to be for the rest of their lives. 

may the both of you grow old together, hand in hand.

i wonder who's next. 

i wonder if there will be a day where i get to witness my dis or kids getting married.

unknown

one of my di asked me a few days back. "is it a good time to start a relationship now?"

lol. your nick said so much about you liking someone.  Is this song describing how you feel?

"Super Duper Love"

Yeh are you diggin on me
Yeh yeh yeh
Im diggin on u now baby
Yeh do u wanna little bit of my love
Yeh wait a minute wait a minute

All the time i knew that you loved me
Because you were always there
Could i be that mistaken
Believing that you really care

In the presence of all my friends
You stood there holding my hand
And you promise me faithfully
That you will be my only man

Yeh are you diggin on me
Yeh yeh yeh
Im diggin on u now baby
Yeh do u wanna little bit of my love
Yeh wait a minute wait a minute

Everytime i walk down the street with you
Im as proud as a girl can be
Just 2 no that u r mine
And all that good loving belongs to me

In the presence of all my friends
You stood there holding my hand
And you promise me faithfully
That you will be my only man

Yeh are you diggin on me
Yeh yeh yeh
Im diggin on u now baby
Yeh do u wanna little bit of my love
Yeh wait a minute play it for my Little Beaver

[insrumental]

In the presence of all my friends
You stood there holding my hand
And you promise me faithfully
That you will be my only man

Yeh are you diggin on me
Yeh yeh yeh
Im diggin on u now baby
Yeh do u wanna little bit of my love
Yeh wait a minute your love is super oh baby
See im trying to tell you
Your love is super duper
Super yes it is yes it is
Your love is
Your love is super
Are you diggin on me coz im diggin on you
Im just trying to tell you
Oh this love is super duper
Wait a minute

union

there is something about people falling in love that makes me happy. no, not when i fall in love. it hasn't happen before for me to know.(yeh, do drop a tag or comment if you want to be informed the minute i fall in love, so that you can buy 4d and have a 99.99% chance of striking first prize)

what i meant is knowing that 2 people got into a relationship together, or knowing that people are getting married. for some strange reasons, it just puts a smile on my face. 

i know i've always told my kids that i don't encourage nor discourage them from getting into relationships. but if i got wind of any of them getting into a relationship together, be it puppy love or serious, it just puts a smile on my face. (yeh, i have to hide that from them) 

kak k has solemnised her marriage today, and tomorrow will be her wedding reception.  i'm so looking forward to congratulate this sweet union.

i wish them happiness. may they grow old together, hand in hand. 

my favourite on today's Today

technically, it's yesterday's today, but oh well. a very insightful article. 

the heart and soul of teaching
HO KONG LOON

IN 1983, my school head nominated me for the post of vice-principal.
But he was shocked when I turned it down, persuading me to reconsider my decision because that rejection could adversely affect my career advancement.

He relented when he realised how resolute I was. I thoroughly enjoyed doing what I loved most: Teach with passion, dedication and, compassion.

A decade or so later, the education landscape underwent great change with improvements in salary scales, better and faster prospects for promotion, attractive study bursaries, generous sabbaticals, annual performance-based bonuses and so on.

Still, there were teachers who much preferred teaching to fast-tracking their way up the pecking order to become heads of department, subject or level heads or senior teachers.

The ranking of teachers set many teachers working feverishly to come up with the best possible professional portfolios, one that their reporting officers have an avid interest in.

Differentiation took on an added significance when ordinary teachers and their hierarchical counterparts worked from different rooms.

Staff camaraderie nose-dived. Contact time, originally intended for busy teachers to interact professionally or socially once a week, was transformed into lengthy staff meetings, in the guise of sharing sessions, mini meetings and briefings.

Walk into any school before assembly, during the breaks and after dismissal, and it is not uncommon to see teachers working at a frenzied pace — marking written assignments, keying in data at the computers, responding to the voluminous work-related emails from colleagues or superiors, keeping an eye on the kids at the canteen, supervising silent reading ... and the list goes on.

Gone were the days when teachers could take time off to relax with their colleagues after school hours.

But I soldiered on. The children in the class were my main concern and if my portfolio seemed embarrassingly slim, it did not unduly bother me.

When it was time for the battle-weary horse to move on, he did. I was an anachronistic remnant from a bygone time. I was nurtured and trained to be the front-liner in the education of the child, who held centrestage in the process.

It is the passion, creativity, love, care, concern and commitment, which collectively make the learning process enjoyable, productive and permanent.

Now, it is rare for the teacher to have all that time with the kids.

Teachers today have an overflowing plate attending to issues well beyond the classroom. There is only so much they can accomplish daily.

The better-qualified ones are not necessarily more committed, nor are they, in comparison with their lesser-qualified colleagues more effective teachers.

Grow 2.0, while welcome and comprehensively packaged, aims at institutionalising the culture of reward for diligence, upgrading, multi-tasking and versatility.

A tsunami-scale mindset revolution, to get back to the basics of dynamic, creative and dedicated classroom teaching, is hopefully attainable, too.

The author is a retired teacher.

-----------------------------------------------------

For his last point, technically on paper, creative teaching has been achieved by the "ICT revolution" and ExcelFest. On paper. What has been shown to people.  *Sic* A tsunami-scale mindset revolution is needed, indeed. 

My saluted to this person who has the balls to stick to his passion and principles at the expense of material returns. 

stupid me

met 2 of my dis yesterday to tuition give them tuition. unexpectedly, their friends were around too to buy stuff with them and ended up meeting all of them as well.

somehow, everything felt so comfortable. things was just like before, nothing changed. it felt like the holidays didn't happen at all. i don't feel replaced either, which i expected to be. it felt like i've never left that place at all. 

guess ah b is right. i've been thinking a little too much. 

I've been tagged!

Instructions
1. Do the following WITHOUT complaint.
2. Choose 5 people to do this after you completed yours.
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.
4. Start your post with; I have been tagged!

I've been tagged!

Favourites:
Favourite Color: White, Black, Grey, Blue
Favourite Food: hard to choose
Favourite Movie: Life is Beautiful. (All time favourite) 
Favourite Sport: Basketball (yet, i still suck at it)
Favourite Day of the Week: Tuesdays
Favourite Season: Spring / Monsoon Season
Favourite Ice Cream: Peppermint with choc chips and nuts. Too bad Ben & Jerry don't do mint (or I can't find it)

Currents
Current Mood: Everything but PMS 
Current Clothes: Orange Tee and Dark Olive Berms
Current Desktop: My  Mackie
Current Time: 1000pm
Current Surroundings: mess
Current Annoyances: Hypocrites and superficial people. "Educators" who step on students to climb higher
Current Thoughts: Dis. Kids. 

Firsts
First Best Friend: I knew him from primary 2.
First Crush: First and only so far. That happened when I was in Sec 4.
First Movie: Can't remember
First Lie: I don't lie. Oops I just did.
First Music: Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

Lasts
Last Drink: Coke
Last Car Ride: Bus 143
Last Crush: Refer to First Crush
Last Phone Call: To my faculty to complain about CORS
Last CD Played: Tanya Chua's "Hello and Goodbye"

Have you evers?
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: Not even a single date by far. Don't even talk about date with friends.
Have you ever broken the law : Jaywalk. Chew Gum. 
Have you ever been arrested?: nah.
Have you ever been on TV: No. Unless I got caught by some random camera.
Have you ever kissed someone you dont know: nope

Random
5 things you are good at:1) Gaining weight 2) crapping 3) laming 4) destroying lives 5) being hyper-critical
4 things you've done today:1) Tuitioned two of my Dis. 2) Attended lectures. 3) Laming around 4) Cracked lame jokes

3 things you can hear right now:1) Anne Murray's "You Needed Me" 2) My Keyboard 3) My Adium making noise (someone wants my attention!)

5 People to tag
Sorry I'm a chain breaker. If chain letters are true, I should have been murdered at least a 1000 times by now.

i want to

i want to,
give you a pat on your back,
to affirm your efforts,
and tell you to keep up your efforts.

never have i seen you work so hard,
or made so much effort.
i'm freaking proud of you dis.
all 5 of you.

press on,
don't tire yourself out.
i'll watch over you all.

night of the insomnia

for the first time, i couldn't fall asleep.

somehow my mind is twirling with lots of thoughts. about life. about my family. about my dis, about my kids. about my friends. about hall. about the future. when i manage to get the twirling to stop, somehow i feel awake.

"if you love us so much, and so interested in us graduating, why did you choose to leave?"

i was taken aback when this line came out as i re-watched "dangerous minds"(yeh, those nice-white-lady-feel-good-movie) 

though you all didn't ask me this question, some of you still ask why i leave. because my kids, and my dis,  i know that the person taking you guys will love you all more and will help you all graduate a lot better. and i'm sure you guys will love her a lot more too. what you guys have blogged so far about your first lesson with her, simply confirmed what i knew. :)

i miss you all a lot. so many mornings i wish i was in the classroom with you all. so many nights i wish i was marking your work or preparing your lessons. so many times i look at the photos and wish i could talk to you all. but your future, is more important, than these sedimental feelings.

whatever dreams i have, of seeing you guys to your graduation, to be there to take your o'level results with you, are just dreams i guess.

damn it. i miss you all a lot. and i love you all.

Dis say the funniest things

here's what 2 of my dis said this week. it still cracked me up whenever i think of it.

background info

went to thailand lately to visit my host family. well, since 1 di wants souvenir, i decided to buy for all 5. bought for them a small wooden frog that has a wooden rod attached. whenever you stroke the wooden rode up the back of the wooden frog, it will make a croaking sound.  asked one of my di to pass to the other 4 cause i didn't had the chance to meet them since i was back.

di(via sms): thanks for the frog!

me: welcome. it's to remind you not to be a frog in a well.

di: huh? I am one meh?

-----------------------------------------------------

background info

was talking to the di that i heard that so-and-so (sns), who was their physics and form teacher for last year will still be their form teacher for this year. apparently the kids don't quite like him, despite him being very caring and being persistent about them.

di(via msn): huh? him? our form teacher?

me: yup

*di changes his msn nick to "not him as our form teacher"

di: then who's teaching us physics?

me: -.-. no no, mr sns is teaching you all social studies and english. 

*di changes his msn nick to "not him as our form teacher. ss and eng as well!"

-----------------------------------

my dis. i miss them. 

blogging at a weird hour

I signed off at the wee hours of 31 Dec, wondering what's there to look forward to in 2008.  Just that morning, things started to change.

that morning, Kak Z called, apologising that they forgot to inform me about a farewell treat later that afternoon for the department. I manage to attend it, and it was good to see all the colleagues once more. soon to be leaving boss broke down when she mentioned about leaving. who wants to leave a place where your colleagues are like your friends, and the students you love. unfortunately, there is only so much crap a person can take. 

somehow that gathering gave me things to look forward to. Kak Z finally told me how she needed help in the preparation of certain resources for my kids, and i'll be on my way to do that soon. everyone was talking about the impending wedding of Kak K and how everyone is looking forward to it. somehow, being away doesn't mean being apart - we are still as close as a group, with much things to look forward to to do together.

i also signed off on the 31st, talking about how things between me and my dis are increasingly becoming distant. just the other day, my ex-colleague whom i co-formed in 06 were talking about my kids and dis. she was telling me how it would last for a long time to come. i told her its increasingly a monologue, but she tells me, that something tells her that things are getting stronger and will last for a long time to come.

turns out she's right. somehow, the path down monologues has u-turned back to dialogues on 31 Dec and 1st Jan. yeh, i learn to trust women's intuition more now. 

somehow there are more things to look forward to now. not because i had hall deadlines to clear, but perhaps things seems better.

clearing these hall deadlines gave me the familiar feeling of last semester. working through the wee hours, seeing all the kids log off their msn by 1am, clearing work till 5am to bathe. only this time, i'm heading off to bed, instead of to school to be with them.